A Leg to Stand on

Posted on Mon Jan 14th, 2019 @ 5:52pm by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D.

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Counsellor's Office
Timeline: during shore leave
2077 words - 4.2 OF Standard Post Measure

Justin arrived a few minutes early for his appointment, he'd become fairly good at using the crutches and his one good leg. He rang the doorbell and waited, in a fairly good mood. He was happy to receive help from a professional and wasn't going to turn down the offer.

"Come in," Tate called out. As usual, her office doors hissed open upon her command. She smiled as soon as she saw Justin. "Hello, Justin. It's wonderful to see you up and about."

He hobbled in. "Good afternoon. Yes, I've been getting used to these. And I've got one other trick up my sleeve, and with that this isn't so bad." He plopped down on a chair and showed Tate a green disk with hands, sticking out its red tongue. "This helps me get things. It's a cosmic cutie, but it's useful, too." He said, "Get me a glass of apple juice", and the little thing flew off to the replicator, repeated the words there, then used its little hands to lift the glass onto itself and slowly hovered back to Justin so he got his refreshment. "This is so useful, you wouldn't believe."

Tate laughed. "I can see what you mean. I'm glad you're adapting as you can. Finding ways to manage this reality while staying positive is key."

"The greatest challenge so far has been finding ways to occupy my time with something useful", Justin said. "I'm considering teaching a science class, I can do most of that sitting down, and by time I've got my new leg, everyone in the operations department will have got used to giving me their paperwork to do."

"I think that's a great idea," the counselor replied. "teaching will challenge your mind while your body heals."

"Have you got any other suggestions for me?" Justin asked. He figured Tate had come across lots of similar cases before, either in practice or in training, and had more wisdom to share.

"Actually, I would love to hear more of your ideas. The truth is, even though I may have some idea of what you're going through, you're the only one who truly knows what it's like to be you going through this." Tate paused, then asked, "I am wondering, have you been sleeping OK?"

"Hmm, this might be a bit more detail than you've asked for, but I feel I have to explain, for context", Justin started. "You see, usually, when I have to get up at night, my body does that on autopilot. But now I have to wake up fully, and carefully make my way there and maintain balance in the head. Then, it takes me a good while to fall asleep again."

"Not too much detail at all," Tate answered. "You'll find your stride again. Is getting up to go to the head the only time you're sleepless or have you had trouble sleeping other times?"

"Hm, well, my stump itches from time to time", Justin said. "But I haven't got any nightmares, if that's where you're headed. I'm okay, really. It's inconvenient, no more. But I suppose that's mostly because I can't remember the actual incident. All I remember is running for the bulkhead, and then I woke up in sickbay."

"That's actually not unusual," Sullivan replied. "Sometimes people recover their memories, sometimes they don't. You're a good people reader," She added with a smile. "That's exactly where I was going. I am also wondering how in the universe you seem to be so resilient. Honestly, after the loss you have suffered, being so young, I didn't expect you to be adjusting so well. I can't decide if it's a front or true. I don't mean any offense, of course."

Justin shook his head. "I'm not a good people reader, but I am a good reader. I knew you were going to ask after this, it's in the manuals, after all. But the way I'm thinking, it's just a leg. I mean, the doctors assure me it's easily replaced, and it's not like it's affecting my mental abilities or my manhood. Those, I don't think I'd have such an easy time dealing with. Now, if something should go wrong with the replacement surgery..." He paused. "I try not to think about this. I suppose I should burn that bridge when I get to it."

Tate was amused at Justin's mixture of metaphors, but she decided not to comment on it. "That's a good way to approach it," she acknowledged. "You have no evidence to think the replacement should go wrong, and positive thinking can do wonders for healing. I also appreciate you sharing your perspective on your loss. I hadn't really considered the body part in question influencing your sense of adjustment, but now that you say it, it makes sense. Have you told friends or family what happened to you?"

Justin shook his head. "I've been busy, I guess. I know, shoddy excuse. But what would I say? 'Hey mum, calling back from my first assignment out in the galaxy. Oh, and guess what, I lost a leg and almost died. Just thought I'd put your mind at ease.' No, I'll keep this quiet, and if it goes away, it goes away." She was asking after his coping mechanisms, and it made sense. But he hadn't really made any friends at the Academy, only acquaintances. They weren't close enough to stay in touch, despite the fun times they'd had.

"I can understand why you wouldn't want to worry your family, but if they love you and are as close to you as all of that suggests, isn't it possible it would bother them more not to know what happened to you? If only because you didn't give them the chance to give you the love and support and to share the burden with them."

"We're not all that close, but my mother worries a lot, about everything", Justin said. "Someone in your line of work ought to give her a chill pill. If I told her now, I'd never hear the end of it." He sighed. "I'm an only-child, she never could have any others, and if it were up to her, I'd still be living in the same colony I grew up, working as a systems administrator or in some government job. I'm not saying those are bad, but she's definitely what one would call overprotective."

"So if I understand what you're saying, telling your mother would result in her blaming you for your injury because you decided to enter Starfleet?" Maybe there was more to this than simply not wanting to worry his mother.

Justin chuckled and nodded. "Probably, yes. Another reason not to bother her with it, so she won't bother me in return. It's a neat little arrangement and it works fairly well."

Tate wasn't going to push, but she was worried about his support. "So if you're not talking to family about this, what about friends? Is there anyone you can talk to you without worrying about their feelings and anxieties about what you just went through?"

"There's always you", Justin grinned. "Not that I'm taking your work here for granted, but that is why I've come. I was hoping you could share some tips and tricks with me, based on your professional experience. You see, when I can get away with it, I'm fairly lazy. Maximum effect for minimum effort. What's bothering me the most is that I had to cancel on a holodeck engagement with a few like-minded individuals because we were going to be active and sporty and now I can't. But my time will come, I'll show them."

"What's bothering you about having to cancel? What does that little voice we all have inside of us say to you about it?" Tate thought they were finally digging below the surface, but it didn't escape her notice that he was just as eager to feign optimism.

"Not being able to do what you want to do because you suddenly can't, it's annoying", Justin said. "I'm sure that's everyone's first reaction. Everything takes longer and I can't get as much done in a day and still have time left over for fun, or learning." He figured that would be everybody's reaction, but of course he'd only ever been privy to his own thoughts.

"I can't help but wonder if you canceled, not just because you couldn't join in the fun, but because it's hard to be around people who not only don't understand what it's like to have your limitations now, but who knew you before all this, and saw you as a more active man?"

"Hmm, I've not wondered that", Justin shrugged. "I just cancelled because I can't do it right now. The way I see it, we're not all physically equal. I can do things you can't do, they can do things I can't do, you can do things I can't do. I'm not worried, it's just temporary. I'll be back to my normal self soon. In fact, this is going to give me more bridge experience than I'd otherwise have got, as it's a sit-down job. Might even be a boost to my career, who knows?"

Justin's attitude continued to suggest he was coping as well as he possibly could - perhaps even better under the circumstances than Tate expected. Surprisingly, he had taken it all in stride from the beginning. It wasn't that Tate wanted him to be doing poorly, it was just so unexpected, given his youth, relative inexperience and traumatic loss. She smiled. "I must say, you could teach some people more your senior a lot about looking on the positive side of any challenge, Justin. I'm wondering if asking you to meet with me regularly is necessary. What do you think?"

"I don't know", he said, and he didn't. "I have no idea how others are dealing with this. I suppose I'll be fine, soon as I've got the new leg. The only thing I'm really worrying about is if the new leg doesn't work as well, if there's complications." When he said it, he realised he'd mentioned that particular concern before, but it was too late. "Let's hope, maybe, that we needn't meet again professionally? I'd much rather meet you in the lounge for a drink, or see you at a concert or some such."

"It's natural to worry about the unknown," Tate acknowledged, "but unless I'm mistaken, you don't seem to have allowed it to interfere with your ability to function. Perhaps we can take some time to discuss a general plan for moving forward if there were complications? I know we can't know specifics and I'm not asking to borrow trouble, but sometimes it's helpful to think about the options ahead of time to feel more in control. As for meeting socially, I'd like that too."

"I'm not sure", Justin admitted. "On the one hand, I'm sure you're right. Having plans and knowing what to do in case of emergencies is super useful. But on the other hand, I don't want to think about what could happen unless circumstances are such that I have to. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't feel like it's inspiring any confidence and all it does is make me worry more about things that I'll have plenty of time to worry about should they actually come to pass."

"That is logical," the therapist replied. "Sometimes, however, healthy coping is about acknowledging and reacting to what we will do, not what we think we should. If you know you're going to worry, however illogical you know it to be intellectually, then give yourself permission to think about it and a basic plan for moving forward. If you catch yourself obsessing, you can always remind yourself to take things one step at a time. Overall, acknowledging your emotions is still better than not facing them at all."

Justin stood, "I understand. I just choose the ones I'm willing to indulge, is all. Just like I choose not to indulge the desire to bash the heads in of those who shot us up, leading to this, I choose not to indulge worrying." He held his hand out to Tate, balancing on the other side. "I thank you for your patience."

The maternal person within her wanted to hug him, but the professional in her stood and shook his hand. "I'm here for you anytime."