Facing issues

Posted on Sat Dec 5th, 2020 @ 10:17am by Lieutenant Colonel Azhul Naxea & Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D.

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Dr. Tate Sullivan's Office, USS Elysium
Timeline: En route to Pacifica
1197 words - 2.4 OF Standard Post Measure

"Thank you for coming," Tate began, taking a seat across from Naxea. "As I'm sure you know, we've been checking in with everyone since our nightmare involving the mirror universe. How are you doing?" It was perhaps a silly obvious question, but sometimes the most obvious questions offered the best place to start.

"Let's see, I was captured, tortured, sexually assaulted, physically altered, brain washed, and hunted down members of the Elysium. How the hell do you think I'm doing?" she snapped. She had learned to trust Tate but still hated counseling sessions and this one was ordered by the Captain, keeping the issue with the Bajoran Massacre that she uncovered in her previous shore leave to herself.

"I truly don't know," Tate replied patiently. "Everyone copes with traumatic experiences differently and has different reactions to them, so I've learned not to presume anything. Some people stay numb and try to continue on as if nothing happened until the shock wears off and others struggle immediately. How has it been for you?"

"To be honest, Counselor? It's been a living hell. I have trouble sleeping and I feel tired and no, not just physical but mentally tired," Naxea replied, crossing her arms as the images of her people being oppressed, abused, massacred and then the funeral of those who died on the Elysium, including each face of the fifty-four Marines she had lost.

"It's a lot to cope with," Sullivan acknowledged with a nod. "Still, you are here, and that tells me you aren't giving up or running away from your pain, and that tells me you are strong, perhaps stronger than you think."

"Well, we'll see as this may be my last assignment," Naxea decided to tell Tate. "I've written up my resignation just yesterday. I'm not completely decided but I expect to have my decision into the Captain and the Marine Corps Commandant by the end of the upcoming shoreleave."

"That's a big step and not a lot of time," Tate replied matter-of-factly. Of course, she had her own thoughts about making such a big decision so soon after a trauma professionally speaking, and she could acknowledge personally, she couldn't help but want to make sure no matter where Naxea ended up, she received the support and care she deserved. "I'm glad I could have the opportunity to check in with you before you make your decision. Mind sharing which way you are leaning?"

"I honestly don't know but the idea of resigning and settling down on Bajor and start farming sounds ideal and peaceful at the moment. I am tired of fighting and losing Marines under my command. What is worse is that I remember each and everyone of them. I see them every time I close my eyes. Not to mwntion that I have to fight from fleeing every time I see Doctor Sthilg, reminding myself that he isn't the mirror bastard."

"I can only imagine the weight of all the losses and the anxiety you're carrying. I don't blame you for wanting to resign and to have an opportunity to experience something else. I want you to know I don't intend to pressure you to make one decision or another. In the past, I have often recommended transfers for those people who I believed could truly thrive with a change of scenery. What I can offer is to help you sort out the decision that is right for you." Tate paused, gathering her thoughts, "Certainly not having to see someone that reminds you of the person who hurt you so acutely would reduce some anxiety, but have you thought about whether resigning from Starfleet will make the anxiety and the memories go away?"

Naxea sighed as she thought over the question. She doubted the memories would ever go away but to be away from people who had hurt her and those she had hurt could help. "Memories, I doubt it but the anxiety, I don't see why it wouldn't."

Sullivan considered the thought for a moment. "Memories live up here," she offered, pointing to her head, "and what we tell ourselves about them, in my experience, lives in here," she added, pointing to her heart. "No matter where you go, you take both of those things with you. I'm wondering, have you considered that no matter where you go, there you will be?"

"What will staying here accomplish?" Naxea snapped. "There are still scorch marks on the bulkheads from phaser fire all over Marine Country. Every time I see an empty gear locker with it's name plate removed, I'm reminded of that person."

"You still will be, no matter where you go," Tate replied gently. "Until you process what happened, the first sign of battle in your new posting, the first time you are touched unexpectedly, it will come back in a rush, not because you are doomed to experience it forever, but because you are you trying so hard not to face it."

"Not face it?" Naxea leaned forwards, glaring. "I had to write letters to fifty-four different families, informing them that their sons, daughters, fathers, and mothers had died. I face it every damn time I walk through Marine Country. Ever thought that I'm sick of facing it? Tired of fighting? Tired of losing those under me?"

"Of that, I have no doubt," Tate replied softly, "but I wasn't talking about facing your duties as an officer, I'm talking about facing what you have personally been through, including facing any feelings of guilt and shame you may be carrying with you."

"Of course I feel guilty. I hunted down several members of the Elysium's crew. How should I feel?" Naxea questioned. She wondered if those she hunted would ever forgive her for what she did.

"I'm not questioning what you feel," Sullivan replied, "merely the assumption that a change of scenery will somehow speed up the healing process."

"Can you say for certain that it won't?" Naxea asked. All that she wanted to do was to get away and be alone.

"Yes," Sullivan replied without hesitation. "I know that because anyone who wants to leave that badly isn't running to some thing, she's running from something. As I said, the real problem with that is what you're running from is in here," she said pointing to her head and heart once again.

She remained quiet for a minute as she listened to Tate. Perhaps the woman was right...or perhaps she could be wrong. The only thing Naxea knew for certain was that she was tired of hurting. "If you say so, counselor," she said finally with a shrug. "I probably should be getting back to my duties."

Tate didn't need training in behavior analysis to know she hadn't been convincing. "I'd like us to keep talking. It wouldn't be fair of me to suggest what will not work without suggesting what will. Would you be willing to schedule another appointment with me?"

"Perhaps," Naxea said with a shrug. "I will have my hands full in the next couple of days."

Not easily deterred, Tate replied, "fair enough. I will follow up with you in a couple of days."

END