They are frozen into a smile that smiles at—nothing.
Posted on Thu Dec 2nd, 2021 @ 8:07am by Lieutenant Myne Redal
Edited on on Thu Dec 23rd, 2021 @ 7:20pm
Mission:
Season 5: Episode 3: CAPETOWN
Location: Rael's Office
Timeline: MD13 0830
3180 words - 6.4 OF Standard Post Measure
//ON//
At this point, Rael was going to start charging a cancellation fee. He re-booked Myne's appointment for the seventh time, huffing under his breath and swiveling in his chair to tap at his terminal idly. An alert popped up on the screen, a red bar that flashed.
He opened his desk drawer to unravel a small leather wallet with a few hypospray ampules and jet injectors in it. He latched in one and then the other, swiftly injecting them and then he rose to the medical replicator to program a thick, green beverage in a small glass that he downed like a shot, grimacing only slightly.
A morning routine, for the last twelve years, and one he moved through easily, even as his hand did still over the second hypospray. It was a lot, and he'd mentioned it very vaguely to Alicia, but he had an appointment in thirty minutes-he couldn't get side-tracked. So he spent the remainder of his time catching up with Aris on the nets.
[Aris Razur 0815] since when do u watch velocity?
[Rael 0815] I've suddenly developed a burning interest.
[Aris Razur 0816] #doubt my friend u couldnt even name 2 velocity players
[Rael 0818] Aleksy Vandrov
[Aris Razur 0818] you googled that.
[Rael 0818] I did not! (OK I did.)
The chime to his office chirruped a disruption to this extremely offensive inquisition into Rael's Velocity prowess, and he closed the terminal lid over to answer the door, straightening his uniform a little. "Please, come inside," he smiled gently. "I'm glad you showed up. Did you want anything-? Breakfast? I've finally managed to get it to provide a decent haisha." It was a Betazoid coffee beverage with hicarreine, a compound quite a bit more potent than caffeine, resulting in smaller, more espresso-style drinks.
It had been a long few days, and Myne had waged a true war with herself. She would make two appointments per day, then after a few hours of inner conflict that made her curl into a ball and grip her head, she canceled each time. The seventh appointment somehow had been the lucky one, since Myne had enough work on her hand to keep her so busy that she did not have time to devolve into an indecisive mess.
Thus, she was here, with the hopes that at least by dealing with a Vulcan things would go somewhat smoother. Maybe even a small sliver of hope? Who knew, maybe yes, maybe no. Whatever the case, Myne entered the office slowly, timidly, locking eyes with Rael before nodding. "Yeah, I would like some haisha please." She replied in a soft tone, remaining near the door. "Sorry for the many cancellations head doc."
"Apology accepted," Rael replied gently, and he fetched her drink from the pattern buffer and held it out before procuring one for himself as well. His office had a couch and two chairs arranged in a circular pattern across a glass low-table as well as many hanging potted plants and drawings, professional and amateur alike-knick-knacks, baubles, odds and ends. A bookshelf with paper books, and his credentials were easily visible on the wall. "Take a seat wherever you'd like," he suggested, and took one of the chairs for himself. It created a space that was more equal, rather than the separation of a desk.
Accepting the drink, Myne took one of the chairs and drank a sip from her haisha, looking around at the office and taking in all the decorations, baubles, plants and so on. "So..." She trailed for and took another sip. "How does this work head doc. I've talked to over sixty head docs over the past four centuries. However, never with a non Trill head doc with this host. Which is a bit weird because this might be the first non conflictual interaction with a Vulcan head doc I've ever had basically."
"Well, it depends on how you'd like to proceed. I try to be as client-oriented as I can, with some exceptions-because this is voluntary, I'll do my best to follow your lead and apply therapeutic modalities where I sense they will benefit. I'm trained in a variety of techniques, including psionics-" he tapped his temple. "And what techniques are employed is dependent on the issues that you wish to work on. Why don't you start by telling me a bit about what brings you here?"
"Psionics, that sounds like a ton of fun." The Trill said, musing at the thought while looking down and admiring her nails. Doing her best to avoid giving a straight answer. "What is your policy on patient-doctor confidentiality? How far does that extend? And are you recording these sessions? I have a solution to deny you the latter, but not the former." Her eyes shot up to stare at his, scrutinizing the Vulcan in a way that bore no resemblance to the girl he ate dinner with some days ago.
"Ethically, I'm obligated to keep the content of our sessions confidential, provided there is not an immediate risk to yourself or others. If I assess that there is a risk, I would be required to take action. A risk would be defined as a likelihood of imminent harm. I'm not obligated to report instances of past harm-including past crimes you may have committed, nor am I obligated to act if you express passive suicidal ideation. Active suicidality is separate and I would be required to act, but that's up to my individual judgment in the moment."
"What if I am a potential risk to myself and others? Then there is no point to this session in the first place. Define imminent harm for please? If I have the impulse to provoke a domino effect that will cause a cascade power failure that would most likely lead to an explosion in your office after I leave..." She trailed off for a moment. "Would you count that as imminent harm?"
"If you're telling me that you are going to cause a cascade power failure when you leave my office, or you directly threaten me-" he added, because he heard you, Myne. Fortunately she couldn't have picked a better person to say that to, and he didn't appear fazed. "That would constitute an imminent risk, yes. The desire to do something-the impulse, is not equivalent to stating directly that you are going to do something. I'd prefer to discuss your impulses, which may hopefully prevent you from taking an action of that nature."
Looking lost in thought for a moment, Myne sighed with some measure of relief and nodded. "Very well, let's keep it at impulse level then. I would prefer everything we talk to remain between us. If I slip up or come close, please correct me, I would not enjoy ruining a potentially fruitful working relationship. The thing is doc, the traditional Trill methods of dealing with what I have never worked. I did the himantura twice, the first time one of the previous hosts put me in the hospital, almost killing me. The second time the Guardian overseeing was attacked. And the Rite of Emergence, well..." She turned her head to look at an apologetic and shrugging Sudra sitting on the couch. "It is not the cool stuff it was ramped up to be."
Taking another moment to organize her thoughts Myne shook herself and continued. "I don't know how long I can keep going doc. On one hand I cannot refute the memories of the hosts before me, there is too much to lose if I do so. And I cannot allow Redal to be denied another host or to be wiped either. On the other, the cravings, the nightmares, the memories of those before me..."
"Have you ever had psionic intervention before?" Rael asked carefully, straightening, the great metal gears in his mind shifting and whirring slowly to life. Machinery, oriented and calm. "Based on the level of extremes here, I think it might be an approach worth considering. We can also do some more tangible work-I have a lot of experience with forensic narrative exposure therapy, and I think that could be useful for you. We'll address the violence and aggression, work on traumatic narratives and constructions, and we can simultaneously look at the mindscape and shore our physical work in that manner. Does that make sense? We would be using an interconnected approach that relies on each component to make our gestalt stronger."
Myne shook her head. "No, never had one, but I do not recommend it. I am not sure it will be safe for you if you want to try it out. These impulses are not mine but mine at the same time. They try to overwhelm me every single day and I feel sometimes it takes too much effort to hold onto my sanity and self. Some days I just wanna surrender to them, like it with Lieutenant Rin when she tried to help me meditate. I felt so much relief..."
"I've had prolonged psionic contact with Trills before," he reminded her softly. "My mentor at Starfleet Academy was Kaeya Shari. He allowed me the privilege of melding with him. It was a very difficult, very challenging experience, but I deeply appreciated it, and I do not think that I would encounter something in your mind that is capable of overwhelming me. Of course, I would be required to prepare, and I would like to begin with some more foundational therapeutic approaches first. Telepathy cuts through a lot of barriers, but I believe it will go more smoothly once we have gained familiarity with one another. And I would not seek to pressure you into an experience you may not be comfortable with," he added. "Why don't you tell me a little more about the host that's causing you issues?"
Sighing and shaking her head Myne took another sip of the haisha and stared down. "You are not getting it head doc. I did as Lt. Rin asked me and a former host surfaced and took control. Tried to hurt her and the ship. I was lucky it was Rin there with me or else. Vede..." Myne began to tremble slightly, bringing a hand to clear her eyes and taking a deep breath. "He ejected kidnapped colonists into space to escape a Cardassian patrol. If Rin hadn't been there, I am afraid to think how many people would have died. And all of that because I relaxed for a moment, do you understand? If I let you inside my head, you might not return. There is so much bad inside my mind."
"I do understand," Rael said. "And I would never force you to undergo a telepathic experience unless you were comfortable doing so. But-I don't subscribe to the ideology that any person is all good, or all bad. This host-Vede-did bad things, he likely had some very significant mental and emotional instability that I can see affects you deeply. His behavior isn't OK, and I don't think it is OK. But I do think I can help, if you are willing to work with me. My specialty is forensics, I've dealt with violent patients many times. My line of work involves inherent risk, that is the price I pay for being in this role, but I would always seek to make it as safe as possible. If that means we need to go to the brig to do it, so be it."
"I am eager to attempt anything that would get me a good night's rest for once. The nightmares are exhausting me, but I am afraid doc. Yes, Vede did bad things, but I am Vede now as well. He is a part of me, which means I did those bad things. I am Myne Redal, he was Vede Redal, we are Redal still. Those lives, that blood is on my hands. And Vede was not the only one. How does one live with something like this? You know, I used to be a doctor as well, I used to heal people once." Myne looked at the Vulcan and spoke with a rather exasperated tone, looking frightened and worried, begging for an answer that she did not believe anyone could ever offer to her.
Rael was good at separation, but sometimes people still hit you where you lived, whether they were a patient or a friend. "You're not going to like this answer," Rael told her, "but it is one that I've found personally relevant. The line between victim, rescuer and perpetrator is most often a circle. When aggression happens-whether it's your own or someone aggresses against you, it creates a schism, and we move through these states." He drew a triangle with all three words printed on it on a touchPADD beside him, holding it out and then adding a little circle with arrows between them all. "The best way out of this pattern is forgiveness. For yourself, and for others. That doesn't mean agreement, it doesn't mean condoning the behavior, it doesn't mean that justice cannot be carried out. It means moving through grief. The grief of what happened, that lives in here." He taps his own chest with an open palm. "You can't go forward until you move through your grief. And once you start to do that, this triangle changes. It becomes empowering, and creative, and holistic."
"That is one way of looking at it. A triangle, that thought I have never considered. However, forgiveness is easier said than done. How can I forgive something I find harrowing? And the more I think about it, the more pleased I am with doing it in the first place? Emotions and feelings that do not feel like they are mine but yet they are, dictating how I should feel about what I have done. As for justice, meaningless words. What is justice? Should I die for what I did two hundred years ago? Or found hundred years ago? I was executed once, but Redal was spared and then I got to live again. Must I experience death over and over again till I am allowed the chance to spend one life without bearing it?" Myne had discovered she had more questions than she had been prepared to ask. Vulcans were so easy to talk to, they kept their judgments to themselves and their logic could be soothing at times.
"It absolutely is," Rael agreed, his tone gentle. "Forgiveness is amongst the hardest things that a sentient being can do, because grief is one of the hardest emotions to endure. If it is any consolation at all, I don't believe it is necessary for you to berate yourself or punish yourself for your feelings, or your thoughts. Violence is a complicated mechanism-and it has positives as well as negatives. Violence: often gets us what we want, it makes people afraid of us and that simulates respect, it can protect us, it can vent anger. There is a reason why people are violent, and it's not solely because a violent person is a terrible person. Justice should ultimately be restorative. It should be about bridging the divide that occurs when people harm one another, and re-integrating both parties into a mutually beneficial society. Death is a part of life, but regrettably, so is grief."
"You say that now, but you don't understand dear doc. There is never an excuse for violence and nor can it be forgiven. Forgiveness is a pipedream, not when you see faces each time you close your eyes. This has been fun, but isn't this about the moment you tell me our time together is up? I am not sure this was really a good idea." Myne shook her head and finished the drink, looking miserable. "I didn't want to say so much, but unloading did feel a bit good. Remember, there was no immediate danger for anyone so none of what I said leaves the room. Understand?" Her eyes darted to Rael staring with a piercing, cold gaze almost. Hopefully the Vulcan would submit before Myne lost the will to maintain such a stare.
Rael didn't seem to be aware they were playing a game, because he didn't engage with it at all, sitting and regarding her normally. "We do still have some time on the clock if you'd like to take a few moments to collect yourself," is what he said, and he tapped out a few more things on his PADD and held it out to her. It was more-or-less a summary of their session along with a few of the diagrams he'd drawn, and descriptions of the types of therapy they might employ.
"I'd encourage you to pursue this. The weight of a burden is decreased along the points at which it maintains stress. Distributing such a burden amongst more than one person, decreases it overall. As we start to move through this, it will get easier. But it will take time. It is big, and difficult, and it will hurt. But the reward, in my opinion-the chance to live a life that is not marked by cruelty and suffering-is worthwhile. I hope you choose to show up again, Myne."
His lips separated in a small smile. "And you needn't worry regarding confidentiality. I will tell you very plainly if a situation arises where it would be necessary for me to obtain outside intervention."
Looking at the PaDD Myne nodded and pushed against it, urging him to withdraw the PaDD. "No need for more time. I just need to be alone right now, feeling kind of stupid for coming here in the first place and spewing my nonsense at you. Thank you head doc, we'll see each other in the lounge someday." Myne replied getting up and flashing him a cheerful smile all of the sudden. "Gotta get back to work!" Despite not having a shift until tomorrow, she made for the door. In all honesty, she had a date with a metal throne in which she wanted to make a sizable donation in the form of the contents of her stomach.
Rael didn't push it; it wasn't necessary. Either Myne would be ready or she wouldn't be, and Rael wouldn't force it. But he would be there, for if and when she was. "My door is always open to you," he replied, rising with her. "Whenever you'd like. Whether that's as a therapist or simply a friend."
"Thanks doc. I'll consider the therapist thing when I will stop feeling like an idiot. Until then, I wouldn't mind another friend!" Myne said offering her hand for another Roman style handshake.
Obliging, this time more familiar with it, he gripped her inner forearm gently. "Until then," he agreed.
//OFF//
Lieutenant JG Myne Redal
Assistant Chief Operations Officer
USS Elysium
Lieutenant JG Rael
Counselor
USS Elysium
