Should they kill me your love will fill me as warm as the bullets

Posted on Mon Dec 6th, 2021 @ 2:38pm by Lieutenant Myne Redal

Mission: Season 5: Episode 3: CAPETOWN
Location: Holodeck
Timeline: MD13 0600
3512 words - 7 OF Standard Post Measure

ON:

Myne was in the middle of a holodeck program when the doors rudely opened to interrupt her. Flyaway eyebrows arching slightly, the interloper realized his mistake rather abruptly and gave her a little wave. He appeared to be a fellow Trill, with light grey dermaglyphs nestled beneath blond-approaching-white hair, though his remaining features were youthful.

When he smiled, it revealed two dimples on either side of his face. "Ah," he laughed, the sound soft. "Forgive me. I wasn't aware this was occupied. Aza," he greeted in their shared language-at least, he assumed-knowing that assumptions were a lot like opinions-they were assholes-that didn't sound right. Standard idioms.

Yanking himself out of his mental meandering, He touched his own chest with his fingertips spread. "I'm Kaeya." He had to be the only PhD holder literally ever that didn't refer to themselves as doctor. "Did you want to be left alone?"

The holodeck program was an oddity really. Most people used the holodeck to enjoy themselves, spend time in scenery they longed for or go on adventures. This program was dozens, hundreds of lines of code, organized in blocks and patterns around her. She held her custom PaDD in hand and checked some of the blocks, changing them, adapting them, working. Yes, Myne used the holodeck to work.

Turning suddenly to meet the new intruder she frowned in confusion, returning the gesture. "Aza." She replied, her own fingers to her chest. "I am Redal, yes this is occupied. But if you have an interest in programming you can stay, I do not mind the company. I have not seen you aboard Kaeya, are you a new transfer?" Myne asked calmly, her frown remaining as she turned her attention back to the code block. Her demeanor was serious, long before the intruder arrived.

"I am," he smiled once more, easy. "I'm afraid engineering is one of the more obscure subjects to me. Fifteen hosts and I'm lucky I can operate a replicator," he joked, dry. "But I'm fascinated to learn. What is this for?" he indicated the long strings of pretty-much gibberish, sorry. He really had no sweet clue what this was. He would bet anything that Lyre would, though. Programs were a language like any other, and she had utterly absorbed anything that held a structure and syntax.

"Fifteen? Well, apparently I have been dethroned. Ten here, honestly I was rather proud of being so long-lived." Myne mused in her still serious tone. "This is not one singular thing, but a culmination of ten lifetimes. That one you are indicating is a search and destroy subroutine. Finds a subject in a database and deletes it. I have tracking subroutines, work subroutines, error detectors, malfunction trackers, people trackers and so on. A few AI architectures as well, though those need actual hardware to function and high capacity ones at that." She explained without worry and worked while speaking.

A flash moved through Kaeya and his head tilted-an odd movement that passed as quickly as it came. "You might like to talk to PIERS," he murmured, smiling. "Meric spent years working on him, and at this point he's passed sentience tests. A mind unlike anything you've ever encountered. AI is truly remarkable. Sad to say I'm about as effective an engineer as a hammer, but Meric could spin up a whole planet. PIERS is in a Federation laboratory on Earth, I could put you in touch with the program director."

"PIERS you say? No, I appreciate the offer, but it will not help. I work to design something to fit a specific role and purpose, in a manner and architecture of my own design. There is no sense in sharing, or trying to do things in a manner others are attempting." Myne moved to a different group of blocks, moving them around and checking their code. "So why were you looking for the holodeck? Wanted to play a certain program? Have some fun? Relive old memories?"

Kaeya shrugged, easy, and let it go. "I was going to go rock-climbing," is what he said instead, offering her a smile. "Or perhaps Karah-sailing. Ever done it? Get into a shuttle, float just under the ship's warp bubble. You're attached to an EVA and out you jump, and the whole universe expands before you. Nothing like it. I daresay this is a good deal more productive," he lifted his chin up, indicating the lines of code with warm amusement.

That made her stop and turn her head to look at Kaeya, her serious expression softening to let a curious, excited smile creep in. "Karah sailing? I have heard of it but never actually done it. Too scary really and I do not make for good companionship when afraid I am going to die in a dozen horrible ways out in the void of space." She chuckled and shook her head. "I swear that sounds like the craziest pastime ever." Looking around at the code cubes around her Myne sighs and nods. "The culmination and continuation of four centuries of hard work."

"You can't be a therapist unless you're a little crazy," Kaeya smirked. "But it's among my more dangerous hobbies, I'll admit. The Commission would wring my neck, all that rabble about the least dangerous solution." No unnecessary risks, don't put the symbiont in harm's way. And Shari never was very cooperative. He eyed up those cubes thoughtfully. "You mentioned a practical application-what's this intended for, altogether?"

"A head doc? Seems like I keep bumping into head docs lately." She shook her head in disbelief. "Least dangerous solution? What do you mean?" Myne asked a bit confused before turning back to admire her life's work. "Well, I wish I could tell you, but I cannot. It is something spectacular in all honesty. But, I have just met you and if I tell you I will honestly have to throw you out a airlock."

"Oh, you know how they are." He waved a hand idly. "Always fussing. At least, my field docent was a fusser. Always prattled on about never putting the symbiont in danger. I agree, but I'm not a helicopter host. The whole point of living is experience, isn't it?" he offered another shrug. "Seeing as how I'm full up on my quota of airlock-throwing I'll elect to remain in the dark," he laughed, holding both palms up in a gesture of peace.

"Ooooh, those them." Myne said and shivered, looking a bit disgusted. "Yeah, I agree. The Commission is made out of blockheads for the most part. They wouldn't understand the true potential for a symbiont if it bit them on the nose." She commented, having had her own unpleasant dealings with them.

"It wasn't always this way," Kaeya murmured wistfully. "So focused on academic achievement. It used to be about things that matter. About whether or not a host could meaningfully contribute to the symbiont's gestalt existence, regardless of their professional accolades." He had more than a few hosts who were burger-flippers or telemarketers at some point, and it was just as rewarding to Shari as anything else. Kaeya laced his fingers over his stomach, appreciative.

"Living is experience? Living is experience!!" The younger Trill repeated first as a question and after that as a realization. "You know how few people get that? Oh by the stars it is so refreshing to finally meet someone who finally understands it! Living is experience. Do you know how many times I've been told to suppress memories or a host? The loss of experience would be soul-crushing!" Myne had by this point abandoned her work and took a few steps to approach the man, holding her PaDD close to her chest. Rather excited by the new topic of discussion and her previous demeanor completely replaced with the usual happy-go-lucky type that Myne was known for!

"If it is half as many times as I have been told it, we might very well start a club," Kaeya laughed gently. "Fortunately, I've quite a bit of seniority on any Commission shrinky that tries, and they're happy to defer to me at this point. Trauma is hard," he said, which was such a simple and obvious statement that it was almost funny that this dual-degree wielding thousand-year old professional therapist had bothered to say it. But it was the truth, why mince words? "And not everybody knows what to do when it happens. I don't begrudge them, they're young."

"Actually I do have a club. The Super Garrett Fan Club!! It's not a Commission Sucks club, but hey, it's a club!" Myne chuckled. "Trauma? Really? By this point I am actively dodging the Commission to avoid them trying to shut me down. Really, I think I have a whole server of data all dedicated to myself there. "Young, idealistic and foolish if you ask me. Sigh, they are so annoying." She shook her head.

"There was a time when it aggravated me a great deal," Kaeya nodded. "These days it's a little easier to reach for compassion. They just don't understand what they're dealing with, and you cannot know until you know. Being Joined is something special, and wondrous. I fear a lack of understanding leads to sublimation of the inherent joy in our existence. Life. Meaning. Discovery. Wisdom." He digressed. "...Super...Garrett."

"Compassion, yes, the bane of my existence. I don't think many people understand what we are going for. As for myself, I do not know how other Joined Trills deal with their own memories. Redal has blessed or cursed me with the inability to forget. It weighs heavily at times, most of the time, all of the time really." She sighed. "But yes, the joy of our existence, living over and over again. Being parents so many times, loving so many times, losing as many times and right now... yes, bringing joy to others with Super Garrett. How do you cope with your existence?"

"Oh, I don't," Kaeya replied, smiling easily. "It's been a long time since I've struggled with my existence, but coping has never been my way. At some point accepting the things that have happened becomes a life-saving imperative. The universe is billions upon billions of years old. We're just a blip-a longer blip than most, granted," he added, dry.

"You do not?" Myne deflated slightly. "Well, you are certainly more balanced than I am, that is admirable. I guess solar sailing helps? And yeah, the whole us being blip on a universal scale certainly is optimistic. I can feel myself filling with joy and happiness at the thought." She sarcastically commented and shook her head. "So, you wanted to start that solar sailing program of yours when you came in here without checking the holodeck reservation list?"

"Optimistic, maybe not, but I find it pretty freeing," Kaeya said with an easy smile. "I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling very balanced," he said seriously, his expression grimly sympathetic. "How long have you been Joined?"

Myne frowned and her demeanor turned a bit defensive at that question. "Yes freeing, I can see how nihilism can be freeing." Her attempt to deflect with humor was not exactly a good choice faced with a stranger that a discomforting demeanor such as Kaeya. Not to mention older. Myne smiled though, with a glint that made her cheerful attitude suddenly seem rather, well, dangerous all of the sudden. So many voices were screaming at her, so many impulses flaring up in her muscles and brain, telling her that she was in danger, that this man was her enemy, that she had to get rid of him. That he was sick and needed to be cured.

"I wouldn't say nihilistic. That precludes meaning to existence at all," Kaeya responded thoughtfully.

She held her PaDD to her chest, but the fingers of her left hand had moved slightly to pass them onto the hidden side and touch the screen. She caught herself before managing to actually input any commands and shook her head. Deflating, Myne replied softly, suddenly seeming small. "Five years." Came the simple answer.

"I remember five years," is what he said, nodding. "It won't always be this way. Joining is an immensity inexplicable to those who haven't experienced it, but in particular, the older the symbiont, the more disruptive-the longer it takes to normalize-the experience can be."

"Optimism once again? I remember five years as well. I've done this ten times already." Myne shot back defensively, frowning. Usually, she didn't to mind being seen as childish or treated as such, or being called mad. But something about talking to a fellow Joined Trill who was so very much older than her? It made Myne... no, it made Redal feel patronized and talked down to in a way that Redal had not experienced in a few centuries. "So you are saying I am too old for this shit? To quote a Earth philosopher of course."

"It gets easier," is what he says. "I've done it fifteen, and willing I'll do it sixteen. Whoever my next host is will undoubtedly flounder as much as I once did." The pronouns in Genzari were a good deal less oblique about determining the distinction of host versus symbiont in his speech. "Integration is difficult, and the older you are, the more challenging it gets."

"Ah yes, totally agree. Gets really difficult once you get older. The integration thing, yeeep!" Myne nodded and replied eagerly to such an absolute truth that certainly applied to her. Yep, in no way was she dealing with issues of a nature that were rather very uncommon or dangerous in any way. Nope. "Really hard to be old farts like us, right?" She continued trying and failing to seem of the same mind with him on this topic.

He didn't seem to mind that she obviously wasn't, but he did arch his eyebrows, thoughtful. Evidently he wasn't fooled, either. "It does present unique challenges," he returned, wry. "Dealing with a massive influx of impulses that simultaneously feel divorced from you and intrinsic to you at the same time-the split-seconds in time where you're rooted in the present and 300 years ago. Of course, all Joined Trill experience it to such a degree, but I think you and I both know how much more it is the more there is. I try and remember that we're built for this. It is symbiosis. I am me, as much as I am Shari."

"Unique challenges, that is putting it mildly." She sighed. "I have to admit that yes, I find myself often drifting back to moments in time that do not belong to the present." Damn it, he did hit the nail on the head. Impulses so divorced of her own personality, that of the host Myne, belonging to previous hosts barging into her mind and body like battering rams all the time. "You understand one of the more unique problems us Joined Trills have to contend with. At least those of us who are able to live this long. You are lucky to have had good hosts at least."

"All of my hosts have value as sentient beings," he said-it was a correction, but very subtle. "But neither are they all good, all the time." It was rare for a Trill to admit as much, but then again, it was rare to encounter symbionts as aged as both of theirs. Symbionts lived in excess of tens of thousands of years, but finding compatible hosts for older symbionts meant that many of them lived in the pools on Trill. It also simply hadn't been that long since the Trill had tamed their world and truly understood how their physiology interacted with their environment.

"Well, some more than others. And yet, what would you do if all of your hosts were bad instead?" Myne decided that maybe, this was a nice moment to commit a little bit of heresy. In her deepest of memories, Myne could remember the times of Iza, before the Federation made contact with Trill. And yet for her, the passing of time, the changes in the galaxy have not brought a true change to Redal, sadly.

"I do not know," Kaeya answered honestly. "I am fortunate that it is not a concern I've had to contend with. What do you think you would do?" he asked instead.

"Hmm, honestly I am trying to cope with it. Take it one day at a time. I mean I would be trying to cope with it." Myne corrected and turned her attention back at her code. "But that is just a philosophical topic though. They do not allow bad people to be Joined after all."

"Taking it one day at a time is a very wise philosophy," he said in return, smiling gently-it revealed two dimples at either side of his cheeks, making him look a lot younger than he was, physically and mentally. "I've never found good and bad a helpful descriptor of people. Some of my previous hosts were morally ambiguous, violent, even cruel at times. People are complicated. I've done my best to take lessons from all of my hosts, but I cannot say I approve of all of my past behavior."

Taking a few steps forward, Myne closed the gap between the two of them, looking up at his eyes. She stopped just short of their bodies touching, an inch apart barely. One of her hands reached up and her fingers touched his neck, tracing down along his own dots, before two slender rings move to the front of his neck, her nails dragging gently along. Only for them to stop right under his chin, nails digging in barely, pushing upwards to raise his gaze upwards and expose more of his neck to her.

"You might have a millennium on me, but you cannot hold a candle to my hosts dear head doc. Morally ambiguous and naughty at times, that is so cute and adorable. Why is a head doctor, also a Joined Trill and one older than me just decided to visit me during my off-duty hours here? Nine previous lifetimes of experience have taught me there are no coincidences." Her nails moved down to where his artery is as she continued to speak calmly. "My first host was a surgeon, she keeps yelling in my head that with my nails I can just sever this right now." Her nail tapped on his artery meaningfully. "Another host knows just how to spin this just right so I won't ever be caught. Don't mock me with tales of occasional cruelty, there is no other Trill like me with a cursed symbiont like mine. Kaeya, you are a mere child in my eyes, no matter your age."

Kaeya stood there, letting her get whatever it was she wanted out of her system, but he didn't seem particularly fazed. "You seem to be laboring under the assumption that we have entered some sort of contest, Lieutenant Redal. I simply desire to go rock-climbing. You're welcome to join me, as I've said, or I'm happy to leave you to it." His eyebrows arch, pointed.

She narrowed her eyes and took a step back blushing and looking down, her demeanor changing suddenly. "I am sorry. No idea what came over me. Yeah, sure, rock climbing. How about I hand over the holodeck to you. I think I heard my Chief calling on the coms. Should see what she wants." Myne said, tapping on her custom PaDD quickly and suddenly the holodeck program she was using cleared out.

The other Trill folded his arms over his chest, more of a thoughtful expression than a hostile one. "Perhaps you should," he said, soft. It was easy to brush it off, but there was something in his eyes, the great gears shifting within, a flickering light centuries-old. Her threats had pelted off of him, but neither would he forget this interaction. "My commlink is listed in the records office, if you should ever desire a rock-climbing partner," he added, his features separating into an easy smile. Whatever it was had lumbered off back into the depths of the oily ether.

"Yeah, no need. Not a bit rock-climbing fan." Myne quickly said and passed by him, giving him a wide berth while clutching her PaDD tightly. "Nice meeting you, sorry again for losing my temper for a moment. Guess my head was still lost in the code." 'Fuck fuck fuck...' That word mostly made up for the majority of her thoughts in that moment as she more or less ran out of the holodeck.

OFF:

Lieutenant JG Myne Redal
Assistant Chief Operations Officer
USS Elysium

Dr. Kaeya Shari
Counselor
USS Elysium