Feeling alone

Posted on Wed Aug 6th, 2025 @ 10:24am by Lieutenant Colonel Azhul Naxea & Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D.

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Dr. Tate Sullivan‘s office, counseling department, USS Elysium
Timeline: Before the attack by Desek.
2187 words - 4.4 OF Standard Post Measure

“It’s good to see you again,” Tate began sincerely. “It’s been a bit since we’ve touched base. How have you been?” The question was perhaps loaded, but she was still building rapport with the woman across from her, not surprising, given the complex trauma the Bajoran was trying to navigate on top of their current situation. She prepared herself for a potentially prickly response and contented herself with the knowledge that her efforts were well intended.

"I'm alive," Naxea replied tiredly. She still hated these mandatory meetings with the counselor. There were times she wished everyone would just leave her alone. At the moment, she felt the only thing really keeping her going was her daughter.

“That’s not a bad start,“ Tate allowed with a wan smile. Sullivan didn’t have to have specialized training to know Naxea disliked meeting with her, but she also knew stranded or not, the marine could’ve refused to continue and given up her commission entirely to remain a civilian for as long as she had to. Despite all she had been through and how deeply traumatized she still was, Tate believed there obviously had to be something that kept her going. The trauma therapist wasn’t going to be dissuaded, and as long as the other woman chose to show up, Tate would be with her.

" So what are we talking about Counselor? How alone I feel? How exhausted I am?" Naxea snipped.

"What's top of mind and heart?" Sullivan knew better than to ask what she *wanted* to talk about because she'd made it clear to herself and others she didn't want to talk about any of things she'd been through. Tate recognized and gave Naxea credit for attending these sessions. Mandatory or not, showing up was still a choice.

Naxea let out a long sigh before becoming quiet. She debated on what to say and how to even say it. "To be honest, I'm exhausted mentally. I don't know what to do to because I have to hide it, for my Marines and more importantly, Sle'anna."

Tate nodded, having some idea of what she meant. Others had described the same mental and emotional fatigue, as well as the pressure to present a dutiful and hopeful front. She understood the importance of such behavior under the circumstances, but as a therapist, she also understood the price that was paid mentally and emotionally if reality were suppressed too long. “You’re not alone in this perspective,“ Sullivan acknowledged frankly. “ You had a lot on your plate even before recent events, and I know it’s not easy to get away from your responsibilities, but others have found some semblance of sanity in finding even a private outlet for their feelingsif they don’t feel comfortable, sharing them with others. I wonder, is there any activity or any place you can turn to just to not have to pretend for a little while?“

"Oh sure, between running the department and taking care of Sle'anna, I have nothing but time to get away," she replied sarcastically with a wave of her hand. "No, I haven't gotten any time to myself. Why would I? So I can be reminded of how alone I feel? You know the loudest noise in the universe, counselor? It's silence."

Tate had learned long ago to ignore sarcasm, especially from Naxea, because if she allowed herself to be bothered by every thinly veiled barb, they would never get anywhere therapeutically. “So which is it? You don’t have time to find an outlet to face your emotions or you purposely avoid doing so because the silence is so uncomfortable?“

"Seeing as I have no official XO, I can't get away, even if I wanted to and what free time I have I will spend it with the one person on this ship that truly brings me happiness and that's my daughter," Naxea replied.

“I’m glad to hear there is something that brings you happiness,“ Tate replied. “I remember a time when you didn’t think you would be happy ever again. How are you sleeping?“

"To be honest, not too well," she admitted. "Like I said, there's alot going on at the moment."
Naxea was lucky if she got six hour of sleep. Most of the time it was around four hours.

"And the nightmares?" Tate asked. Sleep deprivation was not a good thing for any reason, but if Naxea's nightmares had decreased, that would be an improvement.

"They're still there but not as often. Probably too tired to have nightmares," she chuckled.

Tate chuckled in return. "That is an inescapable upside to adrenaline. Your body can only stay at high alert for so long before it crashes no matter how hyped you feel. What about the flashbacks?"

"Which ones?" Naxea asked solemnly. "The ones where I hunted the crew? Lost over half of my Detachment to our mirror universe counterparts? Or the ones of my early childhood in a Cardassian Labor Camp during the occupation caused by that bastard Desek being alive?"

“Any and all of those,“ Tate replied calmly. She chose to believe Naxea was looking to be exacting in her answer, but Tate understood that asking these questions would inevitably irritate multiple wounds. Sullivan believed this was a requirement for ultimate healing, but she didn’t begrudge Naxea her tone.

Naxea shook her head. "There's nothing that can be done with the flashbacks, counselor. Mainly because I'm stuck on this ship where majority of those things occured."

"It's true you can't keep flashbacks from happening," Tate answered, "but there are strategies for dealing with them so they ease more quickly. Would you like a refresher on some of those?"

"Sure why not? I've got a few minutes to waste,' she grumbled, crossing her arms. She knew that the counselor was just doing her job, but it still annoyed her talking about things that bothered her. Ever since coming aboard this ship, her life for the most part had been a living hell.

Tate was a patient person, but she wasn't one to tolerate rudeness. "Naxea, if you don't want to talk with me, you are free to choose that option. If it hurts you to talk, or frustrates you, say that. What I won't abide are insults simply because I'm doing what my role here calls me to do. Would you accept that answer as a response to one of your directives? Or the CO's?"

"I understand your job but I did not insult you, counselor. You'd know if I had. And of course talking about these experiences hurts me. If it didn't, there wouldn't be a reason for me to be here. Yet they do hurt me, but despite all that pain, despite all of my loss, I perform my duties day in and day out. Day in and day out I am on this cursed ship," she said, fighting back tears. "Day in and day out, I have to see the man that is to be my soon to be ex with no way off this damn ship."

“No one thinks you’re failing and no one thinks you aren’t working hard day in and.day out, Naxea. I know you may not believe this, but these counseling sessions aren’t a punishment. I’m not trying to send a message that you don’t measure up. I’m going to call you out when you’re deflecting and being rude at the same time, but I’m not going to go anywhere because you deserve to have someone to talk to about whatever is on your mind. I know you’re capable of soldiering on despite the wounds you carry inside and I know you’re strong for having survived all you have, but I also know that everybody deserves an opportunity to have someone in their corner, even if it feels way overdue.“

"Yeah, I thought S'hib was in my corner too and look where that ended up. People tend to always leave my corner when it's convenient for them," Naxea said quietly. It hurt not having anyone to really turn to. Sure, Gunnery Sgt. Gami was her friend but she was still under her command so there was still some professional distance between the two. Allnof herbother friends she had made aboard the ship had perished. She had thought S'hib would always be there but that turned out to not be true either.

“You haven’t left your corner,” Tate pointed out. “Even before you had someone to look after, you chose to keep moving forward. Perhaps it would be worth talking about the part of you that has always found a reason to keep going.“

"Because I'm a Starfleet Marine Officer," Naxea stated. "Too many people depend on me to keep moving forward despite how I feel or what I am going through." She paused for a moment as the memory of her father came up. She had barely known him but what she did remember was that he was gentle yet tough but it hadn't been enough. She had to be tougher. "I suppose it began with losing my father. "

“Oh? What might you feel comfortable telling me about that?“Tate wasn’t someone afraid of helping people confront their traumas, but she also knew it was important to help people get in touch with their sense of resilience.

Naxea let out a sigh before starting. "My father was in the Bajoran Resistance. I was very young when he was killed. I remembered that he was also kind, yet tough. I wanted to be like him."

“And now? “ Tate couldn’t help but notice her use of the past tense.

"He was killed, leaving me and my mother alone. I need to be better and tougher than him, especially now with Sle'anna," Naxea replied.

“Does that mean you think your father died because he wasn’t tough enough?“ Sullivan asked.

Naxea was quiet for a moment before speaking. "Yes. Bajoran Resistance fighters while dedicated often lacked the skills and physical conditioning of trained soldiers like the Cardassians. It was the Cardassian leadership inability to fight a guerilla war. My people were lucky, plain and simple. I don't plan on counting on luck to survive for Sle'anna."

“That sounds like a lot of pressure to me,“ Tate responded. “ Not only are you saying you must be tough, but it sounds like you’re also saying you alone have the power to create the outcomes you want. I’m wondering, what role do the circumstances and actions of others play in your point of view?“

"I've mostly had only myself to depend on, counselor. I never had the privilege of a large supportive family and friends," she replied. Save for Gami, her mother and brother, that was the extent of her circle so to speak.

“I get that,“ Tate replied with a nod. “Simply being around more people doesn’t automatically mean you are comfortable relying on anyone but yourself. I do wonder if being around all these people, and only relying on yourself magnifies a sense of loneliness?“

"I try not to think of that, but yes, it does get lonely at times," Naxea admitted.

"The desire to avoid pain is natural, but as we've talked about, avoidance also fuels a lot of pain. Practically speaking, it’s also really hard to remain a lone wolf all the time when we are all trapped on this giant tin can together. I’m wondering, if there were a way to feel less lonely, less angry, would you be open to it?“

"Like what?" Naxea asked, shifting her weight in the chair.

"Like setting aside a small amount of time, even as little as five minutes, to speak to someone about something other than work or duty. It can be someone you already know if you like, although if you're feeling up to it, you could pick someone you've never met. If five minutes seems too much, I'll take whatever amount feels doable to you. The trick is to make it somewhat regular, although it shouldn't feel too overwhelming, so maybe not every day to start. Right now, it's about starting small just to stave off the loneliness."

Naxea let out a tired sigh. "We'll see counselor. I'm not making any promises but I will try. I really should get to Sle'anna and pick her up. "

“Before you go, I’m curious to know the thoughts behind the sigh. Are you really going to try or are you just telling me what I want to hear?”

"I will try as my time allows," Naxea responded. She would make an effort but she wasn't going to go out of her way to do so.

That she wasn’t going to go out of her way to change was something Tate absolutely understood. Sullivan wanted to believe she would try for her own sake. “Same time next week?“

"Sure, why not," Naxea replied as she got up. "Good day, Counselor. " Naxea headed for the exit.

End