Whenever I Close My Eyes

Posted on Tue Aug 20th, 2019 @ 4:44am by Commander Liselle Qwyyn & Ensign Lunara Hol
Edited on on Sat Aug 24th, 2019 @ 10:04am

Mission: Mission 2: Heaven On Earth
Location: TBD
Timeline: MD1
1869 words - 3.7 OF Standard Post Measure

Her latest sigh blew out from between clenched teeth. The sigh was heavy, weighed down with fatigue and frustration, growing louder and louder until she was screaming at the ceiling above her. With something approximating a snarl, she threw the covers from her and swung her legs out of bed.

"Computer!" Qwyyn barked at the darkness. "Who is the active counselor on duty for emergency consultation?"

"Lieutenant Junior Grade Sarah Walker is currently available to see patients on an emergency basis. Would you like to schedule an immediate consultation?"

"No. Never mind. Just...shut up," she moaned. With delicate fingers she worked a massage of small circles into her temples, breathing slowly all the while.

It didn't take long for her to give up on that course of action as well. Reaching over to the nearby nightstand, she collected up her PaDD and called up a list of available counselors currently serving on the Elysium. She scrolled through the list, stopping suddenly as one caught her eye. Calling up the profile, her finger traced the woman's bio. A Trill. And she was joined. If anyone might understand what she was going through, it would be her. At least she hoped.

Before she could stop herself, and despite the late hour, Liselle reached back to the nightstand to press her comm badge. "Qwyyn to Ensign Hol."

Lunara's first day onboard the ship had been fairly uneventful. She was dressed for bed, fresh out of the sonic shower, wearing shorts and a tank top. She was lying in her bed, hands behind her head, beginning to drift off, when she was disturbed by a chirp from her commbadge on her bedside table. She reached over to tap it, responding to the call. "Mm. Hol here." Her voice was a bit groggy.

Qwynn... Lunara remembered that name. She was one of the officers who was kidnapped by the Romulans, if she wasn't mistaken. Likely not a social call.

"Ensign..." Qwyyn began, suddenly feeling uncertain now that she was actually about to do this. "I'm sorry for the late hour. I realize you're not on duty. And that you just came aboard the Elysium. And I'm not even sure if you have an office yet. And you probably haven't had much of a chance to get up to speed with the crew's profiles. And, honestly, I don't even know for certain that you're officially seeing patients yet --" she cut herself from her own rambling, taking a deep breath. "Do you think we could talk?"

Definitely not a social call. That certainly woke her up. "Of course, I'll be right there. Don't go anywhere, okay?" Lunara rolled out of bed, calling out to the replicator. "One Tarkalean tea! With an energy shot, in a shatterproof glass!" She grabbed the drink as soon as it finished materializing, gulping it down on the way to the door. She threw the glass to the side as soon as she was done and dashed outside.

"Computer! Locate Commander Qwynn and guide me to her!" She ran down the hall, following the arrows on the screens.

Lunara arrived at Liselle's quarters a few minutes later. She took a deep breath and rang the bell. "Commander Qwynn? Are you there?"

Even as she answered the door, Qwyyn felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her. Having some distance from the dreams made them seem so silly, childish even. But now that Ensign Hol was here...

"Counselor," Qwyyn greeted her. "I'm sorry about this. I really should have tried to book you during your office hours."

Lunara waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it, I was on call." A lie, but she hoped it was for good reason. "How can I help you?" With an emergency call this late, there was only one possibility, but she decided not to let that on.

"You heard about my recent run-in with the Romulans? At their prison?" Liselle asked. Without waiting for an answer she retreated back into her quarters, talking all the while. "I've seen counselling staff since the incident. I thought I was mentally ready to move on. But every time I close my eyes, it's like I'm back there again. In that cell."

Lunara took a deep breath and followed her into her quarters. "I've read the reports, but I've found those only tell half the story." She paused, mulling over her next words. "If you could... tell me about what happened, in your own words, it could help me understand better." Sounded like PTSD. Never a good sign, but sadly not unexpected.

"Yes, of course," Liselle said. She wanted to continue but no words would come. It was like there was some invisible hand was pressing down on the things she wanted to say, pinning them deep in the pit of her stomach. She breathed an embarrassed little laugh. "Maybe I could get you a drink or something? Or, are you hungry at all?"

Lunara shook her head. "Don't worry about me. I'm here for you right now." She didn't need her training to tell this woman was clearly in a lot of pain. "Come on, let's sit down together." Getting her to open up wouldn't be easy. She hoped Liselle would be open to one of her own kind.

They found their way over to a nearby couch, and for the longest time Qwyyn said nothing, choosing instead to stare down at her hands. Finally, she spoke. "I've talked to other counselors about my experiences in prison," she said quietly. "But honestly it didn't help. Not like I thought it would. I think the real problem was making them understand what it's like to go through torture when you're joined."

Lunara nodded slowly. She knew all too well what it was like. "I can empathize with that. There's much that others will never understand about us. I hope I can be the one able to help you." She paused, speaking softly after a couple seconds. "I know it won't be easy, but I'll do everything I can for you."

"I -- I don't know where to begin. How to process this. The Romulans that kidnapped me....they did things." Qwyyn's eyes fell. "Horrible things."

Lunara could tell they wouldn't get far by jumping into it, but what if they gradually eased into things? She exhaled before speaking, her voice noticeably softer since she first arrived. "Don't push yourself too hard. What if we started at the beginning? You were on your way to Trill, right?"

"Yes, that's right," Qwyyn agreed, her voice seeming as distant as her eyes. "I was going to take part in the Zhian'tara. The Commission had been on my case lately to follow through with the obligations I made as a condition of joining with Qwyyn. Me, Gary, the Captain, Lia Holmes, and Taam were all supposed to go together. I was going to show the crew my home for the first time. I was particularly excited to show Gary...well...it doesn't matter."

Lunara was curious about what happened with Commander Taylor, but it could wait. In fact, she was curious about of a lot of the things Liselle said, but that wasn't the reason she was here. She nodded, encouraging her to continue. "You left Deep Space 9 on a shuttlecraft..."

"Right. We left on a shuttlecraft," she echoed. "Everything was going fine. Perfectly fine. And then they attacked. The Romulans. It didn't make any sense! Why would they dare breach Federation space like that?" She shook her head at her own question. "The next thing I know they're binding us all in chains and carting us off to prison."

Lunara nodded. They were getting somewhere. "A lot of the things you deal with in Starfleet don't make sense." She paused. "If I read the logs correctly, they soon gave you a... 'welcoming speech', shall we say?" This was where things would start getting tough.

"They wanted us to know how hopeless everything was. But by that point, I don't think it was necessary to even try to scare us. Honestly, I was already afraid. Afraid that I was losing myself," she said. Her voice fell. "Maybe even losing my mind."

"That's a very common reaction when taken prisoner, it's nothing to be ashamed of." Lunara looked directly at Liselle. "I'm here to make sure those fears don't become reality."

Liselle stayed quiet for a moment. Several times it seemed as though she would speak, but then she thought better of it. Until finally she said, "I've done something. Something horrible that I can never take back."

Lunara waited patiently until she spoke. "You were captured and held in a secret Romulan prison, with only one chance to escape. Whatever you did, I'm sure it was for a good reason." She exhaled, clasping her hands together. "Do you feel comfortable telling me what it was?"

She shook her head. "Commander Taylor. I -- I lashed out at him. Told him that it was all his fault. They were trying to break us, trying to break down our resolve and destroy who we were as people. And I gave in," she said. "They couldn't get to Gary no matter how hard they tried, and so they used me to do it instead. And I did. I told him that I hated him, that I would never forgive him. I know it seems silly, but at the time I knew it was the last thing in the world he needed to hear. I think it affected him. It was exactly what the Romulans were hoping I would do to him."

"No one can blame you for snapping out in your situation. It could have happened to anyone. Hell, it happened to me once." She paused. "Have you talked to Commander Taylor at all since you escaped?"

"No..." Qwyyn said slowly. "How could I? Where would I -- where would I even start?"

"Honestly? A heartfelt apology would be a good start. If you'd like, I can help." Lunara tented her fingers and leaned forward, exhaling as she did so. "One of the most important things you can do right now is stay in touch with your fellow survivors. Think of it like therapy after a severe physical injury. You can't suffer through this alone."

Liselle thought to brush the offer to help aside, but instead she forced herself to listen. Lunara was a fellow Trill, and joined at that. She, of all the counsellors aboard the Elysium, knew what acknowledging these kinds of mistakes felt like. "Okay. Let's talk. The three of us."

"Thank you for trusting me on this. I know it isn't easy for you." Lunara's tone was completely genuine. That was one challenge out of the way, but she still had to convince Gary, a man she had never met, to go along with it. And after that, she'd still need to mediate between two strangers on an intensely personal issue. "Is there anything you'd like me to tell him when I invite him?"

Qwyyn said nothing for a time as she thought. Finally, the answer came to her and she looked up at Lunara. "Tell him," she began, "I'm sorry."