"Looking in and Reaching Out"

Posted on Sat Nov 9th, 2019 @ 8:27pm by Captain Gary Taylor

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Infirmary-USS Elysium
Timeline: Immediately after the rescue of those in captivity with the Romulans
2777 words - 5.6 OF Standard Post Measure

Outwardly, Dr. Sullivan moved through the infirmary with her characteristic purposeful stride. After all, she was no stranger to the ship's medical center or to treating people who had been wounded or even traumatized. Inwardly, however, her thoughts swirled as she considered what lay ahead. It was one thing to attend to people who had been injured or traumatized in the heat of battle. It was quite another to attend to those who had been physically, emotionally, and most certainly sexually tortured by an enemy as brutal as the Romulans. No matter how brutal the battle, in a ship to ship fight there was a certain camaraderie that came with knowing one fought as a member of the team. In the face of personal or brutal injury, one could be comforted by the fact it occurred in the service of a noble goal.

Being held captive and brutalized was another circumstance all together psychologically. When one was face-to-face with just violence and humiliation, it could be much more toxic to the psyche and cause much more damage than could be easily realized in the short term. The counselor understood all of this and yet what propelled her forward was an intense desire to ease the suffering she was not in a position to prevent. Delicate questions lay ahead as well as potentially invasive examination, but she was determined to take either duty on with care.

She was relieved to see that despite the urgency of the situation, the medical staff had taken her suggestion into consideration that the former captives not be swarmed by medical personnel. She could only speculate about what they had been through, and considering this, she knew it wasn't a good idea to have a bunch of people descending on them at once. It was why, even though she was sure he knew to expect her, she approached carefully and offered softly, " mind if I help?"

Gary was sitting on the bio bed, after arriving in the infirmary he and the others had been given quick medical exams, checking for broken bones, concussions ,etc... and then pretty much left alone. His thoughts swirling on what had happened at the prison and the friendships lost. So wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn't hear Tate approach until she spoke. He turned and looked at her, his face blank, his voice equally as soft and devoid of any emotion. "Hello Tate. Help? Help with what?"

This was a bit more delicate considering she was a woman and he was a man, but Sullivan had some medical training and had enough experience helping in the infirmary during battles. More than that, however, she had made a case to be involved in providing healthcare in the immediate aftermath of everyone's rescue in part to offer psychological support right away. After all, they could only speculate about what was actually done to those taken captive and if what had occurred was only half as bad as they imagined, there was no telling what state the former captives would be in. "I've been asked to help document and treat your injuries. I'm sure the last thing you want is to be poked and prodded, but we just want to make sure your medical needs are taken care of. I also realize what I'm asking is rather personal, so if you'd prefer a male instead, just let me know."

Gary's eyes remained on Tate as she talked though his expression remained neutral as she spoke. He nodded, "Right no poking or prodding." Then continued. "I'm alright Tate." He lied. The guilt he felt from his friends being tortured and abused was eating at him, slowly consuming him. When Tate spoke of documenting his injuries the first hint of emotion showed itself. He raised his tunic to show his hideously scarred chest, new scars overlapping old ones in a crazy patchwork of mangled, ruined flesh. He then turned on the bio bed to show her his back and the scars there. before turning back to her. "You want documentation? Document this." His voice was still low and controlled but with an underlying current of anger that couldn't be ignored.

Tate was experienced in keeping her expression impassive as a therapist, but internally she was always feeling, always thinking. She didn't know Gary well. She didn't know any of them well, really. She knew that was partly her fault, since as a therapist she always wanted to be accessible to the crew and not so familiar as to be unbiased. She also knew there were some who kept a professional distance from her, not wanting to risk being analyzed at every turn. That was a cliche, of course, but a powerful one that could be hard to overcome. But now? Seeing Gary like this? A man she sincerely liked and respected...she was deeply regretting having maintained such distance. She wanted nothing more than to provide comfort, but fearing it would seem awkward given their relationship up to this point, she knew she was walking a line. She did the only thing she could in that moment: her job. She picked up her tricorder and began recording, impatient for the moment when she could cease being a tormentor, however necessary, and start being a healer for him.

As the device whirred, she offered gently, "Are you in physical pain? I can give you something as soon as I take a blood sample to rule out infection."

Gary was silent as Tate began using a tricorder and began documenting his injuries. Yet even though he was silent his mind was awash with conflicting emotions. Guilt was the most prominent as it was his fault the injuries and abuse that befell Lia, Liselle and Phoenix was his fault (or so he felt) and had caused the loss of at least one friendship and left the two he honestly didn't know. Next was anger, Anger at the Romulans in general and Mishka more specifically. He swore he would have his revenge on her for what she had done, not only to him but his friends. Helplessness rounded out his feelings. Helpless that he was unable to prevent the abuse that his friends had suffered and endured. That feeling of helplessness in turned fuel his anger which fed into his guilt. He was roused from his thoughts by Tate's question of was he in physical pain. Irritation flared but quickly subsided. He liked Tate and knew she was only doing her job. "No, it's manageable Tate. That's the good thing about electro whips. the wounds they inflict cauterize almost instantly." He replied with a complete lack of emotion like he was reading from a book.

He was matter-of-fact, but that only suggested to Tate just how disassociated he was from the experience. As she scanned him carefully, she resisted the temptation to touch his back or any part of his body without permission even though the most thorough exams often involved low tech methods. Thinking ahead, she prepared an injection of antibiotics before indicating she would like to examine his wounds manually to make sure there were no foreign bodies in them as she scanned. "May I?" The spore, she noted the anticipated signs of fatigue, malnutrition, and extremely high neurotransmitter levels, including cortisol, indicative of chronic stress. Under the circumstances, it would be important for her to do a thorough exam in case feeling numb prevented him from registering any sign of serious injury.

As she surveyed his wounds, she was reminded of an uncomfortable, but necessary question she needed to ask given what she knew some of the captives had already been subjected to. To assume Gary had been spared any particular humiliation would not only be unprofessional, it would ensure Gary was left to suffer in silence in more ways than one. Finishing her scans and photos of his back, she looked him directly in the eye. "Anything you tell me will remain between the two of us, sir. If I am to treat you properly, it's helpful for me to know what was done to you. In that vein, I have to ask, Sir, at any time were you sexually assaulted?"

Gary nodded as Tate asked could she touch his wounds, his mind still swirling over the captivity he, Lia, Liselle and Phoenix had suffered at the hands of the Romulans. He was vaguely aware she had finished scanning him as well as taking pictures. He saw the hypospray in her hand and heard her ask if he had been sexually assaulted. "No, I wasn't sexually assaulted Tate." His voice even, no emotion at all. "What did they do to me you ask?" He questioned as he locked his eyes on hers. They stripped me naked, bound me in chains the entire time I was a prisoner. I was made helpless. You see the results of the electro whip." He paused and continued, only now there was pain and anguish in his voice. "What happened to Lia, Liselle and the Captain is my fault Tate. Mine! The Romulans wanted me, wanted me to break so they tortured and abused my friends to try and get me to. My friends suffered because I wouldn't give in to the Romulans, I refused to break. I refused to save my friends from suffering because of my pride. If that doesn't make a heartless monster I don't know what does."

Throughout their interaction thus far, Tate could see all of the emotions roiling just below the surface. She knew the dam would have to break at some point, and as much as it pained her to see Gary in such anguish, she knew the sooner he began to express himself, the more quickly he could heal. The healing process wouldn't be quick or easy by any means, but it had to start somewhere. The compassionate nurturer in her wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him, but she feared under the circumstances, even an offer for such a gesture would create more anxiety. She also knew as much as she liked and respected Gary, the two of them didn't have the kind of relationship that would make that level of contact anything other than awkward. Still, filled with compassion, she put down her instruments and met his eyes. With the same gentleness she had used to examine his physical wounds just a few moments earlier, she tread carefully as she approached his psychological injuries. "What do you make of a heartless monster who thinks about the pain he has caused other people when he is still in the midst of his own pain?"

Gary turned his head and looked at her, his face devoid of any emotion. His voice equally so. The pain and anguish that had been so apparent was again buried. He was silent as he thought on her question. Finally after several seconds he spoke. "I think he's a lousy excuse as man, a person and especially a friend. He cared about his own pride, his own sense of being while his friends suffered both physically and mentally. All he had to do was give in, to yield to the Romulans and his friends wouldn't have suffered. But his damn pride prevented that, wouldn't allow that." His eyes met hers, "Even you said it Tate. The pain he has caused other people. But they weren't some faceless, nameless people. They were my friends! Emphasis on were." He raised his hands in front of him, "They counted on me! Me! and I let them down." His voice winding down like a clock whose spring had worn out.

So lost was he in his own emotions, the therapist realized he hadn't understood her point. She tried again. "A heartless person wouldn't be concerned about other people now or ever. Even in the midst of your own anguish, you're focused on other people, and that isn't something a heartless person would do." More gently, she added, "Let's say you had given your captors what they wanted. Do you really think it would have spared your life or anyone else's? Once they had gotten what they wanted from you or anyone else, you would've stopped being of use to them and they would've killed you. You did what you had to survive. We are programmed to survive, and as much as you feel guilty that you are alive, the Romulans are the bad guys in all of this. I know it's not something you're ready to believe right now but I hope we can continue talking. Some injuries are obviously more than skin deep."

Gary was quiet as Tate gently but effectively rebuffed his statement. He looked at her again and perhaps for the first time actually saw her standing there, wanting, no helping him deal with his pain and guilt. He shook his head . "Of course not Tate. If I gave in, we all would have been dead, thirty seconds after the Romulans had what they wanted. The rational part of me knows that. The emotional side of me feels terribly guilty over this. Especially when I see what Lia, Liselle and the Captain went through and I know that they hold me responsible for this and they will never forgive me for what happened to them." He grew silent as he sat there, then turned his head to look at her again. "I don't feel guilty because I'm alive Tate. I feel guilty because my friends suffered because of me." He sighed and his shoulders shook. "I'd like for us to continue to talk Tate. I think it's probably a good idea that we do."

Sullivan nodded. This was a good start. She had no illusions she was going to heal his psychological wounds with one conversation, but at least he was talking and was open to continuing to do so. "I agree. For what it's worth, even if I agree you did anything that requires forgiveness, never is a long time to be denied. I'd like to see you give yourself some time to sort all this out. How about we take care of the wounds on the outside first?"

Gary kept his eyes on her as Tate spoke and stated what she would like to see happen. He nodded slowly at her suggestion. "I can do that but it will be hard." He acknowledged, "Seeing Lia, Liselle and the Captain every day along with working with them." He looked down at his chest, "I don't if there is much that can be done about these wounds Tate but I'm willing to try."

Gary's vulnerability filled her with compassion, especially because it was clear he was trying so hard to keep it together and remain strong in the face of such pain. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and a gesture of reassurance as well as to keep him steady as she reached for her anabiotics. "Trying is all I ask. In the meantime, it's OK to take time to just be Gary the man as opposed to Gary the commander. Is there anybody besides me you can let down your guard with?" It occurred to her given his guilt, he might feel particularly isolated. That was never a good thing, especially given the temptation to cope in self destructive ways.

Through the fog of guilt. Gary heard Tate's reassuring voice and the her gentle touch of her hand on his shoulder. He nodded at her words that it was okay to be Gary the man the only problem with that was he didn't like Gary the man right now. He had hurt his friends through his actions and that was going to take a long time to get over. At her last question he turned his head, his grey eyes on hers. "Normally I would say yes but that was before this. I can't talk to Liselle as she hates me because of what happened. Nor can I speak to Lia she has her own issues to deal with. The Captain? No, I don't think so. " He paused for a moment considering what he wanted to say next finally he spoke, "Guess, that leaves you Tate."

It was a sobering admission for a counselor to hear but she saw no good reason to dwell on the potential serious consequences of one man feeling so isolated and resigned after a trauma. She didn't know what the future will bring, but for right now, he was talking to her, and her priority was to keep that going. The smile she offered hid the concern she felt. "You are stuck with me."