The Elephant in the Room

Posted on Fri Apr 10th, 2020 @ 8:12am by Commander Liselle Qwyyn

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Tallia's Office
Timeline: after arrival at Casperia Prime
1866 words - 3.7 OF Standard Post Measure

Tallia had called Cdr. Qwyyn to her office and now waited for the woman who would no doubt remove any chance she would ever have at being with Anje, the love of her life. She already regretted doing this, but she knew in her heart she had to put Anje first and that Anje loved this woman so deeply that she had willingly made a fool of herself with her twin sister thinking she had attained to one she wanted, ~Just wish it was me....~ She thought despairingly, looking at a pic of the two of them together, playfully kissing under the mistletoe at a holiday gathering when they were teenagers. She wiped a tear from her face, not wanting to be disheveled or distraught when Qwyyn, who could have had anyone but was going to steal her Anje, arrived.

Liselle walked stiffly, her back ramrod straight, as she entered. Ever since they had all fled the Romulan prison, Qwyyn had been subjected to an unending battery of physical and psychological tests. And it seemed the more tests she took, the more that follow-up tests awaited her. Still, she always reminded herself that the people around were just doing their jobs. Because they cared. And so, she forced a weak smile.

"Cdr. Qwyyn, I'm glad you could take some time to come see me. It's not a medical matter, don't panic, but it is important." Tallia began, taking a deep breath, "Commander, I'm going to reveal something deeply personal to you, hoping you'll keep it in confidence because when I tell you how this applies to you it's going to be painful and humiliating for me. I've been in love with Anje Brett for most of my life and I still am."

Liselle blinked. "Doctor, that's..." words failed her. She wasn't sure where this was going. Had this confessed relationship between Anje and Tallia gone sour, led to a personnel issue? "What exactly can I do for you?"

"The problem with all that is this," Tallia sighed, fighting tears back, "Anje doesn't love me. Anje loves you..." There it was, the instrument of surrender was now in the atmosphere, ~I only hope she takes good care of my Anje.~

And now Qwyyn nearly fell over. She took a hold of the chair back in front of her to keep her footing. "What? She...said that?"

"No. She didn't have to, fortunately for my feelings." Tallia said, "I figured it out on my own when we were beamed to our temporary prisons during the Jem-Ha'dar attack that wasn't. She only went with your sister because she thought the sister was you, she didn't know Merella wasn't you until you left the ship and got kidnapped. It was you the whole time."

Qwyyn didn't speak, her attention focused on keeping her best poker face as she processed the overload of information coming at her.

Tallia had to stop for a minute and get herself some water, "I think I fell for her the first time we met. She was six and had these Harley Quinn pigtails... The first time I had feelings for anyone, it was her. That happened at nine. I have only ever had eyes for her, but it's totally one sided because you turned her head. So, I don't know, but maybe you and Anje can find the happiness together I'd always wanted for myself with her. You're a good person, you deserve good things, you both do."

"Doctor, I don't know exactly what's going on here, but I assure you that I'm not trying to take Anje -- or anyone for that matter -- away from you. Believe me when I say that the events of this last year have put me off of romantic relationships of any kind for a long, long time." Qwyyn shook her head as she continued to think on Tallia's words. "And I'm honestly more than a little surprised to hear that Merella would be involved with...anyone."

"I'm not accusing you, Commander." Tallia shook her head, "I just thought you deserved to know what could be yours. I just want my Anje to be happy."

Qwyyn raised an apologetic hand. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm just -- I didn't even realize all of this was happening. If anything, I feel terrible to think that I was a part of causing you this much pain." Liselle looked into Tallia's eyes, offering her an encouraging smile. "Have you...told Anje how you feel?"

"No." Tallia shook her head sadly, "I mean, we grew up together, and have you looked at her? I am way out of my league there. I mean, a thin, gorgeous woman like you could do it, no problem. Me? Uh, fat chance, pun intended."

"Hey. Enough of that now," Qwyyn chided, and she stepped forward to place a hand on Tallia's arm. "Putting together an outward appearance is hardly an accomplishment. Believe me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about in that department. But being a worthwhile person on the inside, that's something incredible. I've known a lot of people in my lifetimes, Doctor, and I can tell that you have a very kind soul. Anje -- or anybody else -- is very lucky to have you someone like you in their lives."

"This is going to sound stupid." Tallia said, a bemused chuckle between tears, "Like, really stupid. But I've saved myself for her. Yes, I'm a fat almost thirty year old virgin. I think that takes the title for pathetic."

"I think it's very sweet," Qwyyn countered. "If there's one thing age has taught me, it's that people are often too eager to 'get something over with' just so that it isn't hanging over them anymore. In my experience, most people regret giving up their virginity frivolously. But I am worried that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself."

"Sometimes the end goal is worth all the pressure, but I understand your meaning." Tallia replied, "It's funny though, you're the only one I've ever shared this with. Anje thinks I had a bunch of different boyfriends at the Academy, they were all study partners. I didn't want her to think I was pathetic, so I'd walk the grounds with Boothby for an hour or two after, mess up my hair and come in with my uniform in disarray so she'd think I'd gotten lucky. It's hilarious, I'm the virgin whose best friends used to tease her about being a slut." Tallia genuinely laughed, "Anyway, please, don't blow Anje off, she's so much more than the insanely perfect physical package. You're so sweet, you deserve something that good."

Qwyyn smiled, though there was little humor in it. Her eyes softened, betraying a sadness. "I had a very similar academy experience, actually. All of my previous hosts were men. When Liselle joined Starfleet, I was a woman for the very first time. And I did not particularly enjoy being in a body like this. I've always felt awkward, unnatural, and raw. I was in no place to engage in physical relationships, and so I pretended that I was having a much more exciting social life than I truly was. I lied to everyone. Because I didn't want them to know how much I struggled with the notion of real intimacy."

"Oh, geez." Tallia giggled, "So that means at one point Ms. Super Model Perfect was as pathetic as me. That's so sad, though, in a weird way, it makes me feel closer to you."

Liselle couldn't help but laugh at that. "I am far from perfect. Believe me. Just ask...well...anybody." For emphasis, she extended her hands to the room around them. "And I'm sure Anje isn't perfect, either. But she does sound pretty great. Great enough, I imagine, that you can trust her to hear how you feel about her."

"Oh, it's not that I don't trust her." Tallia corrected, "It's that I can't handle the idea of her rejecting me. No, correction, I can't handle the certainty of her rejecting me." She shook her head and laughed bemusedly, "Just my luck I finally get the chance to be on the same ship with her, our first time we really got to spend together since we graduated the academy, and my chubby ass gets here and finds out the whole ship is full of movie star types. Life is so cruel..."

Biting her lip, Liselle looked away. Making a decision, she turned back to Tallia. "You're very conscious of your body. You've mentioned your physical appearance several times already."

"You wouldn't understand." Tallia giggled, "Anje and Milla do, actually, they've got a brother who's perfect."

Liselle shook her head, chuckling darkly. "If there is one thing you need to know about the real me, it's that I know all about obsessing over physical appearances. I used to spend three hours every morning getting myself ready before stepping out of my quarters. I've actually spent real time talking to counselors about it. Now I'm down to two hours."

"You?" Tallia sneered, "From the twin I guess. Makes sense."

"Like I said, I've only had male hosts until now. It's been very important -- critical to me -- that people see me as a woman. I know I obsess over it, but I can't help it. I think about it all the time." Why was she telling Tallia all of this? Maybe because it was nice to find someone who she could see her own insecurities in. "The point is, the real problem is actually up here --" she tapped her temples "-- and not down here," she said, and tapped her fingers against her cheeks.

"Yeah, no problems down there." Tallia complimented, "I guess we're both a counselor's dream." Before she knew what had happened, Tallia was stroking Liselle's face with the back of her hand.

Liselle swallowed, though she didn't move to stop the woman. "Tallia," she said quietly. "I think you're trying to process a lot right now. You need some time to think about things..."

"Oh my God, I am so sorry..." Tallia replied, mortified, "I'm just... I'm just an absolute mess."

"No need to apologize," she insisted. "I am the queen of the absolute mess. Believe it or not, I know exactly how you're feeling. I went through something very similar with....another member of our crew. Thankfully, I had friends to help me through it. If you'll let me, I'd like to be a friend to you -- someone who can be there for you. And help you figure things out."

"That would be nice." Tallia smiled, "And I promise to never even think about kissing you again." ~That would've been so embarrassing...~

Liselle paused a moment, failing to keep her cheeks from flushing red. "Well, I certainly won't convict you for your thought crimes," she teased. "I should go, I've got a lot of paperwork to catch up on." She started for the door, but stopped a moment. "Anje is a lucky woman to have you in her life. Don't forget that, Tallia."

"Of course." Tallia said, "Thank you for coming by."