Talking about the past

Posted on Sat Feb 13th, 2021 @ 10:59am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Captain David Tonelly [Reece]

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: USS Elysium
Timeline: MD 4 (the day before Away Mission)
1613 words - 3.2 OF Standard Post Measure

Having received the notification from Starfleet Medical that he should begin seeing a counselor, David’s command staff ordered him to go to one of the two counselors on the ship. He was to attend an hour long session once a week, until the counseling staff felt that he no longer required their services.

So, after finishing his duties for the day, he had cleaned up, pet on a freshly pressed uniform, and found his way to where he was now, standing outside the office of one Lieutenant Tate Sullivan. He reached over and pressed the control surface, activating the door chime.

"Come in," Tate called out, her doors automatically hissing open as usual. She smiled as she came around her desk to greet her visitor. Holding out her hand, she offered, "Tate Sullivan. It's a pleasure to meet you."

David entered the comfortable looking office and smiled softly as the attractive counselor approached him. Reaching out and gently shaking her offered hand, he replied. "David Tonelly. Thank you, likewise. I appreciate your being able to see me."

Tate shook the offered hand firmly and gestured for him to take a seat as she smiled and offered, "Of course. Truth be told, meeting new people is one of my favorite things. May I get you something from the replicator to wet your whistle before you tell me what brought you to my neck of the woods?"

Lowering himself into the offered chair, David shook his head. "No thank you." He cleared his throat softly before continuing. "As for why I'm here. I'm sure you've read my personnel file, so you will by aware of the facts that I am not only an El Aurian, but a combat veteran. The latter is why I'm here. I've been having flashbacks lately. You see, a little over four hundred years ago, I was on Earth, studying the humans of that time. My cover was as a soldier in the army of the nation state that used to be known as the United States of America." He took a breath and continued. "Well, as you know, next week is the anniversary of the beginning of the Eugenics Wars, in which I fought."

Tate listened to David's careful and succinct recitation of what had brought him to her office and was struck by its matter-of-factness. She had indeed read his dossier when she discovered his name on her schedule, and it was colorful, to say the least. Of course, she didn't have a great deal of experience with El Aurians, but she knew colorful histories weren't uncommon. Still, she got the distinct sense David's history was more colorful than most. Even so, what he was describing was not unfamiliar to her or would be to any trauma specialist for that matter. Sullivan nodded. "I'm sorry. Anniversaries of traumatic events are never easy, I understand."

David nodded his head in thanks. “Thank you. While I am not in any danger of doing anything stupid, the simple fact that the day is approaching is still quite painful.” Lifting his right hand, he carefully removed the black leather glove that covered the scars that, while simply cosmetic at this point, was still strong reminder of his past. Looking at his hand, he asked aloud, “I can still hear my friends screams. I couldn’t save them all from the vehicle fire. The firefight was just too intense around us. My gunner, Jake, he was just nineteen when he died in that truck fire. I got this,” pulling his sleeve up to the elbow, raising the scarred arm, “trying to pull him out of the fire.” He looked over at Tate. “We went through basic and A.I.T. together. He had brought me to his family's home for bar-b-cues before the war started. How can I, who has lived for nearly five centuries, even begin to understand the sheer loss of a life so young?” He lowered his arm back down to his knee and hung his head, emotions starting to rise inside him.

Tate kept her face professionally inscrutable as she took in the sight of David's scars, but she made a point not to look away and really take the image in. He was demonstrating a degree of trust by being this vulnerable with her and she wanted to honor that without coming across as though she were coddling him. After a moment, she asked, "Do you have to completely understand it to earn the right to have feelings about it?"

David sighed and shook his head, seemingly defeated. "I...I don't know. Honestly. I mean, I experienced my world being destroyed by the Borg. Granted, I was on a deep space mission when it happened, but I lived through it just the same. Is it that, I was physically present in the War, that it effects me so much more?"

"That could be part of it," Tate agreed with a nod. "Traumatic symptoms tend to be more severe the closer one is to a particular trauma, although even people who just witness traumatic events, whether visually or even just listening to details can be equally traumatized. I could be off base, but I can't help but get the sense you don't think you have the right to be so deeply affected by this simply because you survived."

David took a few beats to allow what Tate just said to sink in. Then, slowly, he bagan to nod. "Yeah, I think you're right there." He took in a deep breath and sighed heavily. "It never occurred to me that part of my pain is due to survivor's guilt."

Tate nodded."It's a very common reaction following a trauma. I would imagine, however, given how long El Aurians survive compared to others, I wouldn't be surprised if it's a common reaction amongst your people whether or not any one of them has experienced a specific hurtful event. As you sit with the possibility I've described, what comes to mind?"

“What do you mean?” David asked. “Does a specific trauma come to mind that’s heaviest on me?”

Realizing she hadn't been especially clear, Tate clarified, "Sorry, no. What I mean to say is, do you suppose survivor's guilt has been part of your lived experience long before your encounters with combat, given the differences in your longevity compared to others? It occurs to me that those with your heritage with any time in Starfleet or even just experience meeting members of other species would be continuously confronted by how much longer you live than others. If the way you have learned to deal with that guilt is by expecting to be able to fully understand what it means to lose an already short life, is it any wonder you or any of your people with struggle with survivor's guilt?"

David considered the words Tate spoke. "While the Exploratory Directorate, the government organization that was responsible for all offworld survey missions, certainly drilled in the fact that, in the nearly six thousand years that my people have traveled the stars, we have found only a handful of species with a longevity anywhere near ours." He tilted his head slightly and gave an apologetic shug. "Forgive me for saying, but the various worlds that make up the Federation are still quite young, comparatively speaking." He paused before continuing. "However, in my personal experience, I hadn't seen that shortness of life until I met and lived among the humans. Then, experiencing the horrors of war for the first time, among those I had begun to call friend and family, well .. maybe you have a point with my having survivors guilt." He sighed heavily. "What, if anything, can I do?"

"Forgive me if this sounds cliché, but you've taken the first important step by simply acknowledging those feelings. We can dig deeper into the thoughts that are connected to those feelings, but the initial start of the healing process is when you can give a voice to what you're feeling and not judge yourself for whether you have a right to feel those things. Feelings are a lot like headaches. They just are. Most people don't spend a lot of time lamenting the fact they have a headache or questioning how it could have occurred. They accept experience and turn their attention to coping with it, which for you will mean unpacking the judgments and thoughts connected to what you've been through."

David was silent for a few moments as he considered the words that Tate had just said. Finally, sighing, he nodded his head and looked up at Tate, as he responded. "You're right, of course. And with a species as long lived as mine is, that certainly calls for a lot of baggage to be unpacked. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Sullivan replied sincerely. "I hope you won't be discouraged by the fact there is no straight line fix for what you're going through. I truly believe you've taken the first, but often most intimidating step by being upfront about what you're experiencing. With the upcoming anniversary, I think we should spend some time talking about your plans for that day and how you will work to treat yourself with compassion, but I hope this will be the beginning of a meaningful collaboration between the two of us."

Nodding, David took a deep breath and responded. "Yeah, I think you're right. Though, our next session will have to wait. I'm heading out on an away mission tomorrow. Not sure when I'll be back. I'll contact you for a new appointment then?"

Also feeling they'd reached a natural stopping point, she offered, "Sounds good."