The First Layer

Posted on Tue Oct 19th, 2021 @ 8:31pm by Lieutenant Baeryn Whavi-Tonelly & Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D.

Mission: Season 5: Episode 2: Operation Save Humanity
Location: Lieutenant Sullivan's Office
Timeline: MD 10 1600
1833 words - 3.7 OF Standard Post Measure

***

While waiting for Baeryn to arrive, Tate quickly mentally reviewed all she knew about the mother to be's needs. Sullivan routinely met with members of the medical department to coordinate providing support to the crew, as medical issues could create psychological issues and vice versa. Each department was busy enough handling its own cases, but regular coordination with each team helped to ensure no one's needs slipped through the cracks.

Baeryn's pregnancy was certainly not the only one aboard ship, but it was certainly one of the most unique. Tate couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to manage the stress of a life-threatening pregnancy with little time to make decisions. Sullivan knew as soon as she learned of the circumstances, she wanted to do whatever she could to help.

As Baeryn entered the corridor leading to Lieutenant Sullivan's office she tugged on the cuff of her sleeve. A nervous habit she was unaware of. There was a number of things Baeryn had no issue handling, aliens, war...but discussing her feelings was not one of them. Not easily anyway. The decision to talk with a councilor came from her fear that if she didn't keep her emotions, or betazoid abilities in check it would harm the baby. Much like they had when....

The hybrid shook her head dismissing the thought before it had time to affect her emotions. When she reached the office she was seeking she rang the chime.

"Come in," Tate called out, the doors opening obediently in response to her voice command. She came forward and offered her hand and a warm smile, careful to not allow her compassion to overwhelm Baeryn's abilities, aware that seeming too much like a soft heart could close tough people off even more. "Tate Sullivan. Thanks for coming."

Baeryn returned Tate's smile with a bright one of her own. Her abilities picked up on Tate's empathy and to her surprise, it wasn't unnerving, rather... she felt their comforting. She could tell the feelings were in earnest, not forced or practiced.

"Thank you for having me. I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was unsure about coming. At first." As she took Tate's hand she chuckled.

As Tate continue to shake her hand firmly, Sullivan's laughter joined the other woman's. "I do hear it all the time as a matter fact, but that just means you aren't alone." As Sullivan gestured for her to make herself comfortable in any one of the available chairs, the counselor offered, "I am curious what made you change your mind?"

Baeryn headed towards the chair on the further side of the arrangement and released a sigh. "I guess you could say David did. Unintentionally that is. He doesn't know that I'm here, partly because I still was unsure about coming and I didn't want to disappoint him if I backed out." As she sat she tugged on her sleeve once more. Braving a smile for the councilor but slowly her unease was rising.

It didn't take an expert in behavior to see the other woman was nervous, almost like a skittish bird considering flying away. Under the circumstances, Tate knew she had to tread carefully. "You're free to leave anytime," Sullivan offered. "Even so, I'm hoping you will stick around for a bit even if you don't feel like saying anything. I'm not here to make you do or say anything you don't want to. Maybe just having someone here with you in case you want to get something off your chest would be OK?"

Appreciation bloomed in Baeryn's chest. "Thank you, I'll keep it in mind." She settled back giving the room a glance around before coming back to Tate. "I've spoken with counselors before, or at least I attempted to do so. If i'm being honest, which I intend to be completely, they made me feel like a problem needing a solution, something broken in need of fixing. I..." she took a deep breath, " I would like to avoid feeling that way again."

"I believe in being honest as well," Tate replied. "In that spirit, I will say that while I can't control how you ultimately feel or interpret what I say, my intention is never to make anyone feel as though she is broken or a problem. I don't see individuals as problems, but it's somewhat of an occupational hazard for people to come to a counselor because of a challenging set of circumstances. No one wants to see me when their lives are perfect, you know?" She asked with a smile.

"I would beg to differ, my life as it stand right now couldn't be more perfect. I'm here for you to help me keep it that way...." Baeryn tried to sound nonchalant while expressing herself sincerely.

"What is it I can help you with so you can keep it that way?" Sullivan asked sincerely. The counselor appreciated the other woman's honesty even if she got the impression she was still a bit guarded.

Baeryn took a deep breath, here goes nothing she thought, "I would like to learn how to manage my emotions better, how to not crumble under the weight I feel when I second guess my abilities... my worth."

Tate took a moment to absorb what she had said and then nodded. "I can help with that, absolutely. It will be a process and won't happen overnight, but helping people manage their thoughts and feelings happens to be some thing I am very familiar with."

"That's a relief to hear because its something i'm utterly horrible at. Even before I became pregnant." Baeryn rested her hand on her lower abdomen.

Tate's gaze following aed Baeryn's hand to her belly. They hadn't really discussed the baby that's far, but Sullivan was glad it had come up naturally. "I hope you'll be able to cut yourself some slack on that because as your pregnancy progresses, mood swings are to be expected." She smiled wanly. "How are you feeling about all this," she asked, referring to the baby.

Baeryn was silent for a moment, her thumb ideally brushing against her stomach. Her voice was small when she spoke, "Terrified." They hybrid knew she had to give the counselor more if she wanted these sessions to amount to anything. She had to be honest, open. "This isn't my first pregnancy." The sentence tasted like ash in her mouth.

Tate leaned forward to express her interest and compassion, but otherwise remained silent, sensing it would be better to let Baeryn fill the silence when she was ready.

Baeryn’s senses tingles, she could feel Tate’s curiosity accompanied by her patience. The feelings were comforting, but regardless Baeryn shut down her senses, like snuffing out the light.

She continued, her gaze now resting on her stomach. “I was young, only seventeen. The pregnancy had come as a surprise, just a few short months of my fathers passing.” She paused, working to keep her breathing steady and even. “It was difficult to feel the joy at that time. I was young, confused, broken hearted. I had lost the only parent I knew. I felt like I had no where to turn to, but I wanted to pull myself together, I tried to but… it was too late. The doctors didn’t have an exact answer for me as to why I …lost the baby. They told me that the stress I was feeling could have been a huge factor, or there was my age. A combination of the two.” Baeryn was quiet for a long moment. Her mind caught up in the past, reliving memories she kept locked away. She shrugged one of her shoulders, immediately feeling the shame of attempt to brush off the miscarriage.

Sullivan took in the other woman's words for several beats before offering, "Thank you for trusting me enough to share this. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I can see now just how complicated your feelings about this current pregnancy might be. I wonder, do you blame yourself for your first loss?"

The hybrids eye shot to the doctors, “There is no one else to blame but myself.” Her words carried a little more bite then she intended.

Sullivan wasn't bothered by the harshness. It told her she was getting to the heart of the other woman's worry and pain. "I have to say, you'd be the only
person I've met of any age who had the power to have her unborn child live or die." There was no trace of humor or dryness in her voice, just sincerity.

For a moment Baeryn could feel the anger prick beneath her skin, simmering. This wasn't a subject she discussed, ever, and the topic brought up feelings she wasn't accustomed to dealing with. She knew her anger should not be directed at the counselor, she was trying to help, to understand. For a long moment Baeryn said nothing, didn't move other then her controlled breathing. There was a dam holding back the sadness she kept buried, kept contained. That dam swelled an threatened to break.

"I still feel wholly responsible."

Tate nodded. "Feelings can be very powerful, especially grief, but no matter how much something feels true, that doesn't mean it is." Sullivan leaned in closer. "You didn't get pregnant on your own, and you certainly didn't cause your father's death. I don't believe for a second you wanted or could anticipate what happened. Do you think differently?"

Baeryn found it difficult not to cringe hearing the counselor refer to her fathers death and her miscarriage. These sessions were going to be a lot harder then she expected, or maybe she had expected it but refused to dwell on it prior. "How I think rarely correlates with how I feel. I never wanted those things to happen, but I could have at least tried to prevent them."

"How would you have even done that if you couldn't have even appreciated what was going to happen?" Tate asked gently.

Baeryn's mouth went dry as shame took over and numbed her senses. After a few moments she stood. "I think that should be all for today Dr Sullivan." There was little emotion on her face as she spoke.

Obviously realizing she had struck a nerve, Sullivan took a few moments to consider what to say next. She knew for professional experience growth often required making others temporarily uncomfortable for long-term gain but it was never easy to see someone go into fight or flight mode before her eyes. "Fair enough. How about we meet again at the end of the week?" Counselor wanted to provide the other woman with a choice, of course, but she also wanted to make clear that she didn't feel comfortable leaving things like this open ended

Baeryn nodded stiffly. "The end of next week." She repeated, her only confirmation before she turned and walked out the door.