Dark Forests of The Mind

Posted on Fri Oct 28th, 2022 @ 12:28pm by Lieutenant Etrara Khalten & Lieutenant Commander Alicia Kelea-Salik

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Counselling office
1428 words - 2.9 OF Standard Post Measure

Etrara halted in front of the Lieutenant Commanders door. “Once more unto the breech” she said sotto voce. She hated counselling but she knew in order to accept the position she had it was part of the price to pay to serve on board the Elysium. No counsellor has ever been able to help her so she had very low expectations. She took a deep breath and pressed the door chime.

Alicia hadn't long returned to her office after feeding N'Vea, fortunately she didn't have a busy calendar thanks to Tate taking a lot of the load off to give her time to tend to her newborn daughter. Hearing the chime she looked towards the door.

"Come on in"

She walked in ready for conflict. “I am Lieutenant Etrea Khalten”. She stood to attention with her arms behind her.

Alicia was surprised to set eyes on a Klingon officer, not that she let it throw her. "Please, come in and make yourself at home. I'm Alicia Kelea-Salik."

Etrea looked around for the furthest seat away from her and sat on the edge of it.

"It's nice to meet you" Alicia smiled politely, "I take it you're here for your psych evaluation? I haven't seen you aboard before so I can only guess you're new."

“Yes Lt Commander, I came aboard two days ago. I am the new Tactical Chief.”
She was not going to make it easy for her.

Alicia nodded. "So how are you settling in aboard the Elysium?" she looked at Etrea curiously.

“My quarters are nice…” that was all she could say.

Alicia offered a smile. "I'll agree with that, quarters on this ship are pretty nice. So tell me about what brings you here? what made you want to be a Starfleet officer in the first place?"

“My mother took me out of school because of me being bullied, from Theron she home schooled me which I hated. I used to go and watch the cadets walking around the Academy looking smart in their uniforms. They all had somewhere to go and I wanted to be part of that. “ for a moment she remembered that, then of course she found out not all the cadets were honest and honourable. The smile that was brewing on her face changed to one of anger.”

Alicia noticed the change. “What is it that’s making you angry?”

“I would rather not talk about it!” She said curtly.

Alicia nodded. “I can’t force you to talk, but I do have to report that you’re at least willing to try to get a handle on that anger.”

Etrara sighed, how many times must she spill her heart out. “Very well counsellor. I was racially abused, I was a virgin when I was raped and beaten by a cadet. I found my mother after she had committed suicide and I want to kill the man who impregnated her, is that enough anger for you.” She stood and punched the wall leaving a neat hole.

“Wow! That’s a ... difficult load to bare.” Alicia offered a warm smile. “I’m sorry about your mother, and for what happened to you. You’ve no doubt seen enough Counsellors.”

“So many I could start my own counselling business” she smiled wryly and sat back down. She gestured to the damaged wall. “Sorry about that.” She said. “Yes I have seen a few counsellors but none have been able to help me. They all say I must be willing to help myself but it seems to be part of me now, woven into my psyche if you will.”

Alicia nodded. "Helping yourself is an important part of healing, but I can understand how you feel. I was in a very bad place a while back, I figured the universe would be better off without me so I tried to kill myself." She paused. "It was only after I'd started that I realised I couldn't finish the job. From there onwards my world changed, I knew I needed to change."

“The trouble is Counsellor is that I want to keep my anger, I need it to kill. What I want and need is the ability not to look at every man as though they are a threat to me. When I am on the bridge I can look at and work with males. Once in the social situation I am unable to look at them and it is rare that I can interact with them socially.” She looked into the distance her voice dropping. “I also want to become intimate with someone. Since my….since my rape many years ago I have not been in an intimate or sexual situation. I look at those couples together and wonder how that must feel, also one day I would like to have a child and that will not happen.”

Alicia nodded. "It's a matter of trust, and I can understand why you wouldn't have any trust in men. Might I make the suggestion that perhaps you try getting to know the crew, purely in a social sense. If you need some help I'd be happy to accompany you as part of therapy."

Etrara nodded her head almost Imperceptibly. I have already met an Academy Captain Kyle Reece who actually managed to get me to talk to him, he has said that we could meet again sometime. Also Our CMO has offered to have coffee with me. I would like to take you up on your offer counsellor but I am not sure it will make any difference. I have been like this for many years now. I hope it may end when I finally find and kill my father.” She looked uncomfortable and began to squeeze her hands together enough to cause her pain which she welcomed.

"Ah so you've met my father" Alicia smiled. "Sthilg is a wonderful person, and dedicated doctor." She paused. "Have you ever thought that maybe killing your father won't make you feel any better? You kill him, what then? It's not going to bring your mother back."

She was shocked to hear that Sthilg was her father. “What..how?” Came out of her mouth and she immediately regretted it, it was none of her business. “I will challenge the cur that impregnated my mother in the Klingon Right of Vengeance….I know it will not bring my mother back but it will satisfy me and that is all that matters.”

Alicia nodded knowing she wasn't going to win this one right now. "Sthilg is my adoptive father, I lost my own father. My mother approved of Sthilg becoming part of our family so we made it official." She smiled warmly.

“He is a wonderful being.” Etrara went back to her original stone face and sat silently.

"How long has it been since you talked about your .. attack?" Alicia looked at Etrara curiously. "Did you ever actually have sessions with a Counsellor to help you?"

She looked down at her hands and twisted them together. “I always managed to hedge round it, speak about something else it was….is too private to horrific to re live.” She gave a wry laugh “ it I re live it every day every night.”

Alicia nodded. "If you don't talk about it, you won't be able to move on from it. The guilt that you feel won't have a chance to be expressed, and it will haunt you forever more. Is that what you want?" She paused. "I know it's horrific but you need to let it out, you can do that here with no judgement, I'm here for you anytime you need me."

Etrara looked at the picture on the wall behind Alicia. “To be most honest I would not know how to talk about it, what to say and no, I do not want it to haunt me. It already has been with me too long.”

Alicia smiled and nodded. “May I make a suggestion ... write a diary, keep a record of your nightmares. If you’re comfortable with it we can talk about what’s been written, or you can simply get your feelings out into your diary.”

“Yes, I can try that but it does not make pleasant reading.

“It’s just an outlet for you, we don’t have to go over it if you don’t want to.” Alicia smiled understandingly.

“What does it take Counsellor?”

“It takes perseverance, and bravery” Alicia smiled warmly. “Someone to talk to helps though.”

Etrara smiled, “thank you Commander. I will try.”