Repressed Memories, Part 2

Posted on Sat Jan 14th, 2023 @ 11:46am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Lieutenant Commander Rin

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Tate's Office
Timeline: Before Current Mission
1599 words - 3.2 OF Standard Post Measure

(This is continuing from Repressed Memories, Part 1)

"I...think I'm in love with my ex," Rin confessed. "I've always safe around him, even when he was a stranger, even when he was going out of his mind figuring out how to accept all this. I don't feel that kind of safe with anyone else. But that was all I felt for a long time. My library of emotions was pretty small for a long time. But lately...the feelings have been more complex. Partly because I can do things for him now, rather than him always being the supportive one."

Rin sighed. "But he re-married. Took him 9 years to find someone else after I was assimilated. And she's a wonderful woman who has been nothing but supportive. I don't want to ruin things between us, and I *don't* want to damage things between him and his wife."

"It's easy to see how conflicted you feel," Tate acknowledged. " I think you've taken the first step to sorting all of this out just by acknowledging how you're feeling out loud and sharing this with someone. It's perfectly understandable that you would still be sorting out what you feel and that you couldn't be certain of everything. I think the first step now that you've acknowledged all of this is to make sure you're not being too hard on yourself about feeling the way you do."

"Why would I be hard on myself?" Rin asked. "They're feelings. We don't really have a say in them. They are or are not. I'm just not sure what to do with these."

Sullivan was pleased to hear she was not blaming herself for her feelings. It' spoke well of her resilience under difficult circumstances. "Well, perhaps we can brainstorm. What are all your options?"

"In relation to him: I don't tell him, or I do tell him. Not telling him simplifies his life, and I don't want to cause him pain. Unless, of course, I'm wrong about that, and I don't know how to ascertain that. I suppose telling him my feelings would help me, but that motivation alone is selfish."

"In relation to me: I try to figure out what these feelings mean, but I don't know what my options are there."

"That seems like a logical assessment of your options," Tate replied with a nod. "It sounds like you've already discounted telling him,to avoid, in your judgment, being selfish. Am I understanding that correctly?" Tate wasn't passing judgment of her own, just simply trying to understand the other woman's own view and sense of what felt right.

"I think...I need a better reason to tell him than merely it would be helpful for me. I would need a reason that was beneficial to him, and I don't know the answer to that. I don't want to leave him anymore conflicted than he already has been."

Rin tilted her head slightly as she considered a sudden thought. "Although, I suppose...that's his choice, isn't it? I'm trying to spare him a choice. But that choice is his to make? Am I making sense?"

Logically figuring out emotions was...weird.

Tate nodded. "You are making sense. I think you're recognizing that no matter what you decide to do, there's just no way to predict or control his reaction to it. Perhaps it's a comfort to know that was always true and will always be true whether you had come to realize these feelings or not. You are an individuallm again and you are only ever in control of yourself. I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is not how this will affect him, but how you will feel if his feelings are reciprocated or if they aren't."

"I already know his feelings. I'm his ex, but exes sometimes still love each other. Nothing romantic. Maybe best compared to siblings? But it was one way. That made things as fairly straightforward as we were ever likely to be. "

Rin considered the question more. What precisely was she worried about? It wasn't something she talked a lot about, and now she was having to look at it from a new angle. "I'm not expecting him to leave his wife for me, if that's your concern, nor am I wanting him to. But this will make things even more emotionally complicated for him."

She sipped her water. "He is one of those people who, when he devotes himself to something, does it completely. After Wolf 359, it was 9 years before he remarried. It took 6 just to try dating again. He was listed as my next of kin, so when I was found he was the first person Starfleet contacted. He insisted on seeing me, even when he was warned of the mental state I was in. I couldn't remember anything about him, other than a very confusing sense of safety. I apologized for not remembering him. And he said: 'I cannot expect you to behave or feel in any particular way.' He was really the first person who didn't push for me to remember. He respected who I was now. And then he said ' You are alive and safe. That is already more than I thought possible. This is a good day for me, and I hope it is for you too. I loved you. And the thing about love is it’s not about yourself.'"

"So based on his words, you think you should be happy with what you did have and shouldn't upend anything else? It seems like we're doing an awful lot of talking about other people and not much talking about your feelings and what you believe love to be."


"Well, I am the one who asked you that," Rin replied. "And what you said fit what I'm feeling. Part of it being what I've always around him: a sense of safety, even when I knew nothing about him. I feel different about him than about anyone else, including my parents. You ask if I should be happy with what I DID have, past tense, if I'm understanding you, yes? I don't remember him. Everything I know about him is what I've experienced these last several years."

"What we both described as love doesn't just apply to romantic love. They are also good descriptors for the feelings people feel when they share a deep connection and affection for someone they trust."

Rin chuckled. "Figuring out romantic feelings - for anyone - would take up an entirely separate appointment. There are people I respect, people who I like spending time with. Could that turn into something romantic? I don't know. Never gotten there."

Rin sighed. "People keep trying to get me laid by some random person, which doesn't attract me in the slightest. Fairly insulting, really. I say I'm not interested, and they assume I don't know what's best for me. I don't understand why people find it so difficult to comprehend not wanting casual sex. But that's off topic... and something I think I've adequately figured out."

"There's nothing out of bounds here, so if you want to discuss it, feel free. I'm sorry you've encountered people who don't appreciate your needs and desires as a person. Unfortunately, I think when people consider what you've been through, all they can think about is what's missing, as if the quality of the new experience isn't as important as just having any experience at all."

Rin nodded. "People think I'm broken. I'm not broken. I'm not the same person I used to be, but that doesn't make me broken. It's been 34 years since I was assimilated. I doubt you can find someone who can honestly say they haven't substantially developed in 34 years."

Tate nodded, appreciating the healthy attitude and obvious healing that had taken place. "How do you handle it? When people see you as broken and say things to you that discount the person you are now?"

"I think I pretty much say just that. Try to explain, but it's getting tedious. I've threatened making pamphlets," Rin replied dryly.

Tate laughed. "I want to create pamphlets for many things." After her laughter died down, Tate offered, "Perhaps if you're growing tired of explaining, of figuring it all out, maybe you could give yourself time to just be?"

"You mean not explain? Just...put up with the nonsense?"

" I suppose that depends on your goal. If you wish to educate or inform to improve your relationships, then you might try sharing how it feels to have such assumptions made about you. If, as in the case of this man you may or may not be in love with, you aren't sure how you feel, then perhaps giving yourself more time to explore your feelings without judgment might be the way to go?"

Rin just nodded in acknowledgment.

As much as Tate enjoyed helping people, she knew some challenges took time and reflection to sort through. She could offer food for thought, but ultimately, for many challenges, there was no quick and easy fix. "I'd like to schedule another session with you in a few days. I know we've talked about a lot of things today and I'd like to give you some time to consider all of your options."

Sullivan watched Rin take her leave, feeling sincere admiration for everything she had overcome and how she chose not just move beyond it, but to embrace the reality of it. Professionally speaking, Tate wanted Rin to thrive, but she also acknowledged she was someone Sullivan hopedto get to know much better.