Denial, Avoidance, Repression

Posted on Fri Mar 24th, 2023 @ 4:37pm by Lieutenant JG Miraj Derani & Lieutenant Commander Alicia Kelea-Salik

Mission: Season 6: Episode 2: Survival
Location: Shuttle Charlie
Timeline: MD 01 1045
1666 words - 3.3 OF Standard Post Measure

Miraj wasn't hiding. She wasn't.

But having been trapped in a lift with a grumpy engineer, she didn't want to be anywhere where she either didn't have control of the doors, or at least had multiple exits, and there weren't many of those that weren't also full of people, so she was now working (not hiding, just working somewhere secluded) in a type nine shuttle currently idling in the lull between the main taxi times. Here she could at least keep the scanners running to warn of anyone coming, and work on all the death notices. She was fifty odd down now, only about a hundred and thirty to go.

The scanner pinged suddenly, as someone moved towards the ship. Miraj grabbed her pad, and moved back to one of the few spots where there was no line of sight if you looked through the windscreen and settled down there, and hoped that whoever it was would pass by.

Alicia approached Miraj’s shuttle, it was quiet a little too quiet, but she could sense that there was definitely someone inside. “Miraj... it’s Alicia, Phoenix asked me to check in on you.” There was no response. “You can try and hide, but I know you’re in there!”

No she didn't, Miraj was sure. If she kept her head down and didn't move, there was no proof. If she just held her breath for a few minutes, then the counsellor would no doubt move on. She hugged her padd to her chest, and hoped.

“Miraj... I can sense you’re in there” Alicia moved closer shivering in the bitter cold, hoping to lure Miraj out of her hiding place. “Let me in, let’s talk.”

To Davey Jones with telepaths, Miraj thought, but dragged herself up and opened the door. "Hello, Commander"

“Hello Miraj” Alicia offered a gentle smile. “Phoenix was certainly right to send me to speak to you. May I come inside out of the cold?”

Miraj stepped back to let the senior rank in. Very very technically, Miraj had right of refusal. Shuttles were her department, and very technically she had right to bar entry to shuttles to anyone of the ship bar the captain and the XO, even if whoever it was had more pips than she did. And for a moment she considered refusing, locking the door and never ever coming out. But if the commodore sent Alicia, then her chance of even attempting to get away with that were all ready 50 fathoms deep and sinking. So she stood back and let the other woman in.

“Thank you” Alicia smiled as she walked in grateful to be inside somewhere warmer. “I know you don’t want me here Miraj, that much I can sense. I’m just here to help you, if you’ll let me that is.”

"I'm fine. I mean I'm cold and I'm tired, but I'm okay. I've not lost any family. Or any friends." Miraj turned away, leaving Alicia to close the door, retreating as far away from it as she could.

Closing the door Alicia followed Miraj, but kept a respectful distance. “You are anything but fine Miraj, and you know it. Why else would you be hiding away in here, all alone.”

Miraj picked a seat at the back, and sat down, nodding. "Other's have it worse."

Alicia offered an understanding smile. “You’re not in here simply to keep warm, you’re trying to hide.”

"No I'm not," it wasn't a lie. it wasn't. "I'm just. People aren't very happy with me right now. I'm staying out of their way."

“People are upset, they’re angry, and you were the one at the helm, you did everything you could to save the ship, without you we’d all be dead. The fact we’re here isn’t your fault.”

The young pilot shook her head, but didn't raise it to meet the counsellors eyes. "It is. I went to warp inside the slipstream. It shouldn't have worked, but it did, and it look like it increased the distance travelled way beyond a straight multiplication of the equivalent real-space speeds. If I hadn't, we probably would have lost nacelles, but we were only a day or so from rescue. But now..."

“Now we’re here, with more people alive than we might have had otherwise.” Alicia offered a gentle gaze. “Yes, we lost people but you saved people too my family included.”

Miraj shrugged a shoulder. She wasn't sure that it was the right choice. They might loose far more on the journey back, with the ship so damaged, than if she'd been prepared to sacrifice Elysium's back end.

Alicia smiled warmly. “I know I’m not going to convince you straight away Miraj, but we’re going to need you. When it’s time to go home, we’re going to need a pilot at the helm with your experience.”

Miraj stayed quiet, turning things over. Alicia was right, but the QSD was fresh technology. All it would take is a couple of hours in a flight simulator and anyone of her 6 remaining officers could - Six. Shit. Only Six left with even the basics to start handling something as delicate as the QSD. Assuming that the flight simulators and holodecks could still work, and the training data sent by Planetia Utopia, and their own trips into the slipstream hadn't been lost or corrupted.

Eventually she said, "My dad works salvage & retrieval, bringing home lost ships. Since I was a baby. In all that time, we only ever found three people alive. And they were all on the same ship. There'd been some sort of glitch, and then the warp core had gone, and the ship was blown in half, and the front half was flung off at a weird angle, so everybody who hadn't instantly written the rest of the Hokkkaido off looked in the wrong place. Dad only picked them up because he was blasting the area with the deep space whiskers on another contract. They'd been drifting, with no propulsion, no comms, just a portable fusion genny for the life support, for over thirty years. The odds of us finding them were trillions to one. And that was taking into account that, they were only a couple of hundred light years off their original position.

"The thing is, just after the accident, there'd been eight of them. There'd been an argument. Three had been killed when a fight over survival had broken out Two more had just... given up."

Miraj didn't remember much, she'd been maybe nine or ten when it happened. But she remembered loitering in the airvent above the morgue as the remains of those five had been beamed from stasis on the wreck to stasis on the Forlorn Hope, hearing her dad and Dr. Szargokzt talk about how they weren't surprised, how the chance of rescue after 48 hours was gossamer thin, how easy it was to decide that survival wasn't enough when faced with nothing but for eternity.

"I know what the odds of getting home really are. More than most, I think. Everything hinges on the QSD if we're to have any hope. And I think I'd rather stay out of sight as much as possible, until I know that's okay, and people aren't cold and angry and hopeless anymore."

Alicia smiled and nodded. “I understand Miraj, I’m not going to drag you out of here kicking and screaming or anything. If this is where you feel safe, then that’s fine. Just don’t close yourself off to those who care about you. There are going to be those who are lost, angry, and upset, but they’ll come round. As for going home, we’ll take it as it comes.”

Don't close yourself off to those who care about you. Miraj managed not to snort. Her family was 13 millions light years away. And she wasn't exactly spoiled for for choice on Ely. She'd struggled to make friends here, S'hib not withstanding, and his hands were far too full with his own new family for her to want to bother him. So there was no-one else.

No-one she really knew beyond a passing nod, no-one she knew well enough to make it even seem like cutting off. She didn't really know anyone. Not even her own department, who seemed to not like her very much, Neri the possible exception. But Neri still seemed to be awkward because of the whole Mirror Universe thing. It wasn't much of a surprise though. Most other pilots got upset when they realised she was better than they were. Look at Commander Vaii. Commander Vaii hated her guts.

"I won't."

Alicia was worried about Miraj, but she couldn’t force her out in the open without risking angry crewmembers taking out their frustrations on her, and making matters worse. “I know it’s difficult Miraj, and I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”

Somehow that made Miraj feel worse. Even more useless and babied. She was going to be twenty two tomorrow. It just reminded her how not grown up she was. "I'll be fine. Really. My department need it more. There's only 18 of us left."

Alicia nodded. “We’ll help your people Miraj, but you’re going to need to be out there for them as well. Ohh and Happy birthday for tomorrow Miraj, I know it’s not exactly the most wonderful place to be.”

The hybrid shrugged, "At least I get to see it, I think that's good enough for me this year."

Alicia nodded understandingly. “Of course. Is there anything I can get you? Food? Drink?”

"I'm good. I get rations on Ely when I go up. Everything cools off too fast down here. Thank you."

Alicia nodded. “Okay Miraj, I’ll leave you to your peace and quiet. If you need anything you know where to find me.”