"The Ties That Bind"

Posted on Fri Feb 1st, 2019 @ 11:47am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D.

Mission: Season 2: Episode 3: Determination is not always a good thing
Location: Sickbay, USS Elysium
1526 words - 3.1 OF Standard Post Measure

Tate smiled as she approached Feyth's bed, carrying a small pink teddy bear and a replicated helium balloon with the words 'It's a girl!' scrawled in pink across its silver skin. She had stayed with the new mother for an hour or two after the delivery, during which, understandably, Feyth had mostly slept. Sullivan decided to leave to let her get some rest, but was now back to check on her. The delivery had gone smoothly, but Tate knew the emotional challenges were just beginning. It was important to Sullivan that Feyth knew she still had support.

The Bajoran's eyes fluttered open, and with a smile, closed once more. The rush of endorphins she had experienced throughout labour had been more than welcome, but she was paying for it now. She was utterly drained, sapped of her energy and feeling withered. "Doctor Sullivan," she said, her voice bordering somewhere between joy and fear as unbidden terrors began to bubble up. "Is everything okay? Is Sedi okay?"

"She is absolutely perfect," Sullivan reassured her as she came closer. "I just came to check on you. How are you feeling? Any pain?"

"No," Feyth said softly. Prophets but she was tired! "Just... kind of in shock, I guess? I still can't believe all of this actually happened. It all seems like a blur." She shook her head in disbelief. "I don't even know what happens next. I'm kind of terrified of leaving this bed."

"I know you weren't expecting to give birth during a ship wide evacuation," Sullivan acknowledged. "I don't blame you for being in a bit of shock. It's also completely normal to be on a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now. All of those hormones that were helping you to maintain the pregnancy have sharply decreased since you gave birth. It's going to take you some time to find your equilibrium again and to recover physically and emotionally from the delivery. I can't tell you how proud I am of you, though. You stayed calm and handled labor like a champ," Tate added with a smile.

"Prophets bless you, Doctor Sullivan," Feyth said happily. "You always know how to calm me down." Even as she spoke the words, the Bajoran found herself relaxing back into the bed, her fingers stretching and the tautness in her forearms fading. She wasn't a moment, however, before sitting up once again. "Do you think...do you think we'd be able to go for a walk or something? It feels like I've been lying here for months now."

"We'd need to check with the Doctor for the all clear, but assuming you get it, I'd be happy to walk with you. In the meantime, I was wondering if I might ask you something a bit personal?"

"Prophets, you probably know me better than anyone also on the Elyisum. There are things I've told you that even Ken doesn't know about." For the longest time, Ken Waters had been her closest and most loyal friend. But this pregnancy involving his foster brother had proved too much for their relationship. Feyth had since turned to Tate as someone to lean on, and she hadn't looked back since. "Ask away."

Tate hesitated, smiling shyly in a way that was not typical for her. "I wonder...I wonder what it was like for you to give birth? Not just physically, I guess, but emotionally? I just...I would like to be a mom someday and I'm not sure I'll get the chance. I guess what you just did seems a bit like climbing a mountain to me."

"It was scary," Feyth said flatly. An embarrassed grin cracked her lip. "I'm sorry, that was probably a bit more brutal honesty than you were looking for." The Bajoran woman walked herself back in her bed on her elbows so that she could sit upright. Her eyes searched the ceiling, looking for words as if they might come into focus, and she would read them aloud. "Honestly, it was like an out of body experience. It felt...profound. Transcendent. There was this...thing...living inside of me. It didn't have a name, or a presence or anything. I mean, it never felt real. Just unending months of hosting a parasite. But then, suddenly, she was here. Alive. And...I did that. This part of me. Out there in the world. Alive and crying and real. And warm. And clingy." Feyth swallowed, her breath shaking on the verge of tears as she relived the memory. She looked directly at Sullivan now. "I've never been one for Bajoran mysticism. Not really. But this...Tate, I truly believe I felt the hands of the Prophets accepting into the world. Like she was meant to be. And I'm already just so grateful to have been a part of it, of her life."

A lump formed in Tate's throat as she listened. She realized then she didn't know what she expected to hear, but the words made her feel as happy as they did wistful. "It sounds wonderful… Exactly as I thought it might. Thank you for letting me be a part of all this." Sullivan felt a mixture of emotions roll through her, including envy and sadness. The words confirmed something Tate already knew, that no matter how close a role she played in both of their lives, she would not ever have the kind of connection that was as deep as the connection between biological mother and child.

Feyth's brow grew concerned as she watched Tate's reaction. Her words did not seem to equal her eyes. Not exactly. "Tate, is everything okay? You're not...you're not thinking of having children of your own?"

She turned to her and smiled weakly. "I would like that more than anything... maybe someday." She wasn't sure exactly what had brought on this particular mood. She supposed it was seeing Feyth so happy despite the messy circumstances of her baby's conception. It led Tate to wonder if she would ever have the same opportunity, messy or otherwise.

"Oh, Tate," Feyth said, her voice cracking with equal parts sympathy, fatigue, and hormones. "I think you would be wonderful at it. Absolutely wonderful. I mean that. I never would have asked you...what I asked you, if I didn't mean that."

"That's a good point," she replied with a smile. "I promise to support you in anyway I can. I suppose seeing your daughter has just made me think about all of the potential what if's in my own life."

Feyth reached out to rest her fingers along Sullivan's wrist. "Tate, I've never heard you talk like this before," she said. In truth, while Feyth had felt herself growing to rely on Tate more and more throughout the months of her pregnancy, she had never been able to shake the feeling that the counselor was always keeping up a wall between them, as though careful not to allow herself to get too close to her patient. This was the most vulnerable Feyth had ever seen her; and she realized now that she had never felt closer to her. "A wise counselor once told me that it's never too late to take control of your life."

Tate's smile grew wider. She knew on an intellectual level those words were true, and a part of her felt particularly embarrassed for her reaction, which seemed to come out of nowhere. "You're absolutely right, but more than that, we are supposed to be focusing on you and that beautiful baby of yours."

"Hey, she's your god daughter," Feyth reminded her. "You're a part of this from now on. Remember?"

"I could never forget that," she replied with a grin. She knew her role as a godmother was a sincere offer and a gift, but in this moment, she didn't want Feyth to feel badly for her because she didn't have a baby of her own. "I love her very much, but I hope you know, no matter how I'm feeling right now, I know I'm not her mother and I could never replace you in her life."

"I appreciate that," Feyth said earnestly, "But I want you to know that the same thing applies to you. I just know that having you in her life is going to make all the difference in the world to her. You'll be there to listen to her when she doesn't trust me with her secrets, you'll be a place she can go to when she inevitably decides that she hates me and my rules, and you'll be there to make her feel like everything is going to be alright when I can't get through to her teenage brain. And there's no one else that could do that for her the way you can."

Tate smiled. She appreciated the sentiment and wouldn't be difficult by contradicting her, but she hoped all of that would be true. The truth was, Sullivan had no idea what kind of mother or godmother she would make. " I don't know about that, but I know in difficult times, that's what I hope to be for your daughter."

***