S'hib's Dilemma, Part 1

Posted on Mon Jun 22nd, 2020 @ 8:43am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Lieutenant Commander S'hib

Mission: Season 3: Episode 4: Cause and Effect
Location: Dr. Sullivan's Office, USS Elysium
2066 words - 4.1 OF Standard Post Measure

No matter what situation or apparently what century the ship had found itself, Tate knew the best way to cope with uncertainty was to stick to as much of a routine as was possible professionally and personally. Emotional crises certainly didn't end simply because they'd travelled to a new place or experienced a new calamity, and so Tate pressed on. In light of her position promotion and expressed desire to work with survivors recovering from lingering trauma, Tate had taken it upon herself to see when those who had recently been held captive had last seen a counsellor.

One man, in particular, caught her attention. She sent him a simple polite message to see if he'd be willing to meet with her. Best to start politely before getting all official.

S'hib sat staring at the message on his personal PADD, it sat lazily in his lap for some time as he considered what to do. "Talking is the last thing I want to do..." He winced, thinking back to when Lunara had been sat next to him, it hadn't exactly gone well he thought to himself. "But then neither did the nightmares..." He said out loud, replying to his own internal monologue with something more tangible.

A heavy sigh left his nostrils as he put the PADD down on nightstand beside his bed, hovering his hand over to the comm badge that sat beneath a small lamp. "Lieutenant Sullivan, are you busy?" He asked, leaning back to sit on his bed with his comm badge now sat in the palm of his hand.

Tapping her badge, Tate was pleased to see her message had been received. "I am never too busy for the crew," Sullivan replied sincerely. "Would you like to meet?" Her tone was neutral. She wasn't going to pretend she hadn't sent a message, but she also wasn't going to pretend she knew exactly what he was going to say either.

"Not particularly... no offence of course, but I think we should regardless... bottling it up isn't working anymore." He replied with a heavy heart, feeling the boney hands clawing at his skin, enticing him to lay back in bed and ignore all his problems.

"No offense taken, Lieutenant," Tate reassured. "Where would you feel at least not the worst you could possibly feel meeting me? My office or somewhere else?"

"Your office will be fine, I'll uh... I'll just get dressed first and then head over." S'hib said, his mind clearly elsewhere.

"Sounds good," Tate replied. "I'm really glad you're coming by," she added, before closing the channel. She may have reached out first, but she knew he didn't have to respond the way he had or respond so quickly.

"Well," S'hib sighed as he stood up from his bed and moved across the room, reaching for his uniform hanging against the tall mirror on the wall. "Time to make a fool of myself again." He said apathetically, glancing his eyes around his room for an excuse not to leave, the silent screams of hysteria in his head reaching a crescendo as he placed his arms inside his uniform and pulled the fabric up over his tired shoulders.

"Could be worse I suppose..." S'hib thought, making idle conversation with himself as he pulled his uniform taught over his chest, the custom uniform fitting his physique almost perfectly from collar to skirt. "You could be dead."

His belt clicked into place, the clunk of metal ringing out over the awkward silence before being replaced by the thump of his hooves moving back towards his bed

He stared at his comm badge for a moment, sitting there under the lamplight, his mind unable to shake free from the flashes of unwanted memories.

--Tates Office--

A stubby hoofed digit lingered over the keypad outside, finally moving the last few inches before chiming the door.

As she had programmed them, once they had verified the visitor was an approved one, the doors hissed open and Tate came forward enough to greet her visitor, but hopefully, would still leave room for him to enter fully. She had read his file, of course, but that still didn't fully inform her about what to expect seeing the man in person. The last thing she wanted to do was make him feel even more self-conscious. "Thanks for coming, Lieutenant. Please, feel free to make yourself comfortable and let me know if there's anything specific I can do for you to make things a bit easier."

Ducking under the doorway S'hib simply shook his head, he didn't need her to do anything but listen. "Thank you, but I'm ok." He said softly as he padded inside, his hooves making soft thumps along the carpet. "Well, I'm not... that's why I'm here, but you know what I mean." He rambled, his mind turning to sludge as everything he wanted to say fell out the side of his mouth as incoherently as his thoughts.

Tate was used to people struggling to get started when they were ambivalent at best concerning therapy. She took his words in stride as he entered. "I do. I imagine you have encountered many people who aren't quite sure what your needs might be since you entered Starfleet. Would that be fair to say?" She was trying to make conversation that was meaningful, but not necessarily so personal yet as to be too uncomfortable.

"Well of course... especially from the more human elements of Starfleet, as they don't quite know what to make of me." He smiled awkwardly, moving further into the room and sitting down. "Which is... understandable, though it does get tiring."

"I could see that," Tate offered agreeably. "With that in mind, are there specific things you would like me to know about you particularly or where you come from that you think I should know to help you?"

S'hib was silent for a long while, evaluating the start of every sentence as they formed and promptly discarding them. "My people... and those specifically that left Sequella are going through a very rapid cultural change," He said, furrowing his brow as he thought of best how to describe what was going on.

"It would be like... taking someone from the heart of the Empire, placing them at a table with fresh meat and asking them to use a knife and fork... its, not there way." he finished, inhaling deeply as he shifted his weight on his seat, the long exhale conveying some of his anxiety.

"As such, there are many things that are... not my way, that I struggle with on a daily basis... with most of them being social interactions."

Tate appreciated his honesty. It would help her understand him better and give her some context in which to make sense of how he was processing the trauma and coping with it. "That must make coping with your recent experiences in captivity feel all the more isolating," she ventured.

"My um," S'hib started, looking down at the floor. "My people are socially intimate, the way we greet one another and groom who you would consider strangers." He said softly, looking back up at Tate.

"I don't have any of that, aside from with Naxea... so now even though I have someone I genuinely care deeply for, I feel even more alone... I've never had to worry about upsetting someone for something my kind do on a daily basis." He continued, the strain in his voice showing his distress as he placed his head into his hands and let a long trembling exhale.

"I can see how that would be upsetting for you, especially now, when you're trying to find a sense of safety and security, and even self-confidence again after what you've been through. I wonder, have the two of you been able to talk openly about how you feel? Your desire to feel close to someone and the discomfort it brings Naxea?"

"We haven't, I uh..." S'hib started before clearing his throat. "I've been putting it off because I don't get to spend much time with her... and um, I'm scared it'll upset her."

"Has she given you any reason to think talking to her about this would upset her?" Tate asked.

"There was a brief conversation, we were talking about each of our people's datings habits... she made a point of saying that she was monogamous, then we moved on to other topics," S'hib said before rubbing his eyes. "It just felt a finality, so I uh... I don't know how to approach it."

Tate wasn't sure what he was suggesting now about his culture. By "socially intimate," did he mean sex with strangers? She would need to learn more. "Well, monogamy can refer to different things depending on the context," Sullivan suggested. "Perhaps it would help me if you could explain what you mean when you say your people are socially intimate?"

"Well, for starters we don't wear clothing... I do aboard the Elysium because it is required." S'hib explained, knowing this topic usually left people feeling he or his people were deviants of some description.

"As for social intimacy, things you or others on the ship might regard as something you would only do with your significant other are social norms... for example, most communal buildings have places we call sleeping pits." S'hib continued, gesturing heavily with his hands as he did so. "We sleep little and often, so these places make sense for us... but the idea of cuddling up naked with strangers can be rather, odd to others."

"Social norms are relative," Tate answered with a nod of acknowledgement. "I won't presume to know how she would feel, but as members of Starfleet, all of us understand not every group we encounter is going to share our values and our norms. In any relationship, all parties have to be honest with each other about their needs and expectations. I suppose the deeper question is, if she did get upset by your honesty, how would that impact how you saw yourself?"

"I don't know... I imagine id be upset with myself, for failing to fit in... for being incompatible with those around me." S'hib replied, his words feeling cold, as though he was repeating words that had been stuck in his memory for a very long time.

"I see," Tate replied quietly, taking a moment to just let him think on what he had shared. "I can't help but wonder if the problem isn't so much how she might see you, but how you already see yourself?"

"No..." S'hib replied quietly as he looked down between his hooves. "I'm terrified of being alone, since what happened." He said looking back up at Tate, his brown contorted painfully. "Counsellor I sleep with a phaser... I can't even turn the lights out anymore," He said letting his muzzle fall down once more, breaking his wet eyes away from Tate.

"But I can't just keep running to her every time I have a bad dream, it's not fair... and I can't go to anyone else either, I just... I wouldn't have this problem on Sequella, or if I was human." He finished with a deep sigh, running his hands over his face as he fell quiet.

"Why do you say you wouldn't have these problems if you were human?" Tate asked gently. His vulnerability and sense of isolation ignited her compassion. She felt that way for all who had been harmed, but she was particularly protective because he was the only member of the crew of his kind. Social support was absolutely critical for recovering from trauma.

"My people, my species... we live in herds, we have a strong social bond with those around us... even the children, they're considered children of the herd and as such we are all their parents... I myself was raised by many, not just my own mother." S'hib explained, hoping Tate could understand how vastly different his world was from Earth.

"But here, on this ship... I have no herd and the things considered normal behaviour within a Sequus herd, are things you would consider private between couples... it would have been fine, I was managing... I was willing to put so much of what is me to one side." He stopped abruptly, a stream of tears down one cheek. "But now I'm terrified when I'm alone..."


***

TBC...