Still Healing

Posted on Wed Jul 8th, 2020 @ 9:23am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Captain Gary Taylor
Edited on on Wed Jul 8th, 2020 @ 9:24am

Mission: Season 3: Episode 4: Cause and Effect
Location: Dr. Tate Sullivan's office, USS Elysium
1671 words - 3.3 OF Standard Post Measure

"Thank you for taking the time to see me," Tate offered, placing her own beverage on the side table near her chair as she sat. "I'm sure you're extremely busy overseeing the repairs of the ship and the upcoming away team, but I would be remiss if I didn't reach out and set up our regular session. How are you?" Tate had worked with Gary long enough by now their sessions had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. Gone were the worries that the XO would resist opening up or would hide behind his rank to avoid participating in these sessions to ensure his mental health. Of course, Sullivan knew that wasn't Gary's style the moment she had begun treating his injuries immediately following his rescue in the main infirmary, but in her experience, he was a unique command level officer who genuinely wanted help and recognized recovery would not happen overnight.

Gary sat in a chair facing Tate, his own beverage untouched. He nodded his head in agreement at her statement. "You aren't wrong there Tate." He answered easily. "And your welcome however I thank you for taking the time not only in seeing me but in actually caring. That goes a long way in my book." He paused and reached for his glass, taking a sip of the tea inside. "As to how am I. I like to think I'm doing well but I know there is room for improvement, so I take it day by day." He stopped again and took another sip of his tea. "Though I have to be honest, it's hard. There are moments when I'm working and suddenly an image from the prison is in my mind and I remember what was done to the others. Then the guilt follows. it isn't crippling but it is noticeable."

It was the mark of a great leader that Gary would take the time to thank her even as he struggled with his own pain. She didn't seek such kindness, but she appreciated it all the same. "I wish I could tell you those moments will completely go away, but I would be lying if I said they would. That said, glad to hear those moments aren't crippling for you. What do you think it is you're doing or not doing that makes the difference in how well you cope?"

Gary let out a sigh, "I didn't think they would." He then continued, "I think the biggest thing in coping well is that I try not to dwell on it. I try to find something else to focus my attention on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Those are the times that are the most difficult. The difficult times are when I'm alone with Lia, not that being with her is difficult but the fact we were both at the prison and I remember what was done to her. The guilt swells up inside me."

Tate nodded knowingly. Guilt had been Gary's biggest problem ever since he had been rescued. He blamed himself for their captivity and for the crew being targeted to begin with. Intellectually, he understood it wasn't a completely fair or healthy way to think, but emotionally, he still struggled. "What if instead of resisting your guilt, we could find a use for it? Let's start with the premise that your mind is motivated to give you thoughts and feelings that will promote your future well-being and survival. If that's the case, how might being reminded of your experiences in captivity and how that felt ultimately serve you going forward?"

Gary looked at Tate, it was clear from the expression on his face he hadn't considered the premise she had put before him. He frowned as he thought of a message(s) his mind might be sending him. "Don't make the same mistake twice." He said in an off hand, almost carefree manner then stopped, "Sorry, that was flip and you and this deserve serious answers." He was silent for several more seconds before speaking again. "Perhaps not to take things so personally and realize there situations I cannot control or plan for no matter how hard I try and in accepting that I can find peace and forgive myself."

Sullivan didn't hold his initial sarcasm against him. She knew what she was asking him to consider was difficult for him, and she expected continued resistance. After some thought, however, he seemed to come up with the message they had been working on getting him to believe, and the counselor wasn't sure if he truly believed it. "Thinking those thoughts, how do you feel?"

Gary thought on the message Tate had put before him. He didn't rush an answer nor would he give a flip one. Tate had invested considerable time and effort in helping him cope with his guilt. He owed her more than he could ever repay. When he did speak it was thought out. "Honestly, I don't know Tate. The rational side of my brain is saying, Yes! See? Now you get it. While the emotional side is saying. No way. What a load of hogwash. So it's a struggle. Not that I expected a cakewalk."

"You've told me what you would like to be able to think about all of this, but remember, I'm not asking you to reach a conclusion that will make you feel better. I am asking you, how might being reminded of what you and the others have been through ultimately serve you in the future? Why might you think your brain is sending you these images and reminders given its goal is to promote your survival and well-being?"

Gary offered a small smile, "Tate, I don't think I'll ever feel better or like I did before this whole incident. Maybe that's what my mind is trying to tell me, that I've changed and if I want to be healthy both physically and mentally I need to adapt to the change. To recognize the guilt, to deal and accept it for what it is, a tool for me to learn and grow from. To be stronger." He looked at her and added, "Or it could just be telling me that this wasn't my fault and the guilt is counter productive to me in moving forward."

Tate smiled. Gary was really trying and not at all flip this time. "Could it be saying, that yes, you have changed, but indeed you are already strong because you survived and have not given up?"

Gary sat back in his chair and considered the question that Tate had put in front of him. "I don't know Tate. I to be honest hadn't even considered that option but you may very well be right. It's something to consider to be sure. What do you think?" He asked keenly interested in Tate's opinion on this matter.

Tate's smile grew. "I would much rather hear what you think, but perhaps you could give it a try and get back to me?"

Gary nodded, "I can do that. After all nothing ventured nothing gained." He looked to Tate, "I hope what you think my mind is telling me is exactly what it is."

"Well, if I've learned anything over my years of training and experience, it's that our minds can be pretty unruly, but they can also be trained with the right discipline. Perhaps if you start seeing your mind as an overexcited but genuinely motivated partner, you can see your thoughts as not something to be afraid of, but a challenge to understand?"

Gary thought on what Tate had said and had ti admit that she could well be on to something. " I think you might just be onto something Tate. can't hurt to give it a try. I'm willing to try anything if it can help with these feelings of guilt." He paused for a moment. "You are right about it being a challenge. However I'll give it my best shot. I promise you that."

"I know you will," Tate replied sincerely. One thing she appreciated about Gary was that he didn't just tell her what she wanted to hear, either to make himself feel good or to avoid any professional consequence. "As always, I am here for support." Sensing they had come to a natural conclusion for now, she added, "Shall we set up another session?"

Gary nodded in agreement. He was always at ease in his conversations with Tate and he valued her keen insight as well as her sensitive and compassionate handling of his feelings and the situation as a whole. he couldn't have a better person helping him deal with his feelings. He saw Tate not only as a highly skilled and professional counselor but also as a friend. That might be wrong on his part but he did and he trusted her and her advice completely. "Yes, I think that would be both a wise and prudent idea Tate."

Sullivan smiled. She liked the ease that had developed between them, although when she thought about it, she didn't refer to him as 'Gary' quite as often as he referred to her by her first name. She supposed to part of her was still sensitive to his position, but she knew under these circumstances, his role aboard ship was not what was important in his healing process. "Do you have your schedule with you or would you like my yeoman to contact you later?"

Gary smiled at her, then as if reading her mind he spoke. "I do have a first name Tate. It isn't Commander or sir. Here and off duty, I'd like it very much if you called me Gary. As for my schedule, no, I don't have it. Have your yeoman contact me for our next session and we can see how everything is progressing."

Tate's eyes narrowed for a moment mischievously as if to ask if he had read her mind, but just as quickly sparkled with mirth. "Sounds good, Gary. I'll see you soon."