PTSD Kills

Posted on Wed Jun 9th, 2021 @ 9:59am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Captain David Tonelly [Reece]

Mission: Season 5: Episode 2: Operation Save Humanity
Location: USS Elysium, Lieutenant Tate Sullivan's office
Timeline: MD -6, 1000 hours (enroute to Earth)
1986 words - 4 OF Standard Post Measure

It had been a few days since they left Quell'ish. The Elysium was returning to Earth, to get resupplied, repaired and, more importantly, allow the crew to get a much needed shore leave. There were many wounds that needed healing. Some external, others deep inside the mind.

Though David had been fully restored, physically, from his rasstala, his mental wounds still remained. After seeing his commanding officer laying on that biobed, with her right arm completely gone, he had begun to get PTSD flashbacks of the combat he had been through during the Eugenics War. While he had been able to keep it from marring the time he was with Baeryn, he still was starting to feel his anxiety and anger start to build up again. He decided that he needed to go talk with Lieutenant Sullivan again. She had helped him the last time they spoke. Hopefully, she would be able to again.

Reaching her office door at the appointed time for his appointment, he reached up and pressed the doorbell control.

"Come in," Tate called out, the doors to her office promptly hissing open. This time the counselor was not at her desk, but standing next to a chair in her reception area, the place any of her regulars or even non-regulars would recognize as where she conducted her sessions. Having spoken to David previously, Sullivan figured he wouldn't be surprised. Turning to greet him, Tate offered with a genuine smile, "I'm sorry for the circumstances of our meeting, but given the circumstances, I'm really glad to see you, David."

David gave the Counselor a sad smile. "Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Tate." He sighed as he moved to the sofa. "I'm in a bad way right now, and need your help!"

"Of course," Tate replied in response to his thanks. "I know you're struggling, but it speaks to your strength that you're reaching out to me and not keeping all of this inside. Tell me more," she offered gently, once he had sat.

David, a bundle of energy, tried to sit. However, as soon as his ass hit the cushion, he shot back up, as if he had just recieved an electric shock. "I...I'm having so many flashbacks, Tate! I can't shut them up! He started ro pace, like a caged lion about to strike. He ran his hands over his face and head as he paced.

"I was able to hold in everything during the away mission, even when Christian died! Then, through the entire fire fight with the enemy. Even when I saw the Colonel take a grenade to her...to her chest..." he stopped pacing and gripped his chest, a look of anguish clearly plastered across his face as he relived those traumatic memories.

Although Tate already knew David was in the midst of flashbacks based on what he had told her, that was only confirmed to her as she observed him in the present.

Standing to face him, but being careful not to touch him unexpectedly or get too close, she offered calmly but firmly enough to be heard,"David, take a deep breath for me and look around the room. See that you're in my office and there are couches behind you. There's a replicator nearby, and notice the small tables next to the couches. Notice the other chairs here. Focus on the sound of my voice. I've lit a small candle scented like lilacs. Can you smell it? See everything in this room and take note of the sound of my voice. You are in my office and you are safe." After waiting several beats, she offered, "Are you there yet?"

As David looked around the room, it was clear that, at first, he wasn't truely seeing it. Then, as his breathing continued to slow, his eyes grew more focused. He started to blink as he looked at the things that Tate described to him. Finally, closing his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks, he nodded to her. "Yes..." he said breathlessly. Taking a few more deep breaths, he finally opened his eyes again and, looking over into Tate's caring expresion, gave her a weak smile. "Thanks, Doc. That was a bad one." Turning to see that tve couch was still behind him, David dropped down into its comfortable snugness, totally spent by his ordeal. "Gotta love PTSD, huh?"

Tate smiled wanly, pleased that David had been able to ground himself and bring himself back to the present in the midst of severe flashbacks. "Not love, but manage. Have you ever been taught to ground yourself before?" Tate asked, referring to the interventions she had just guided him through.

Shrugging slightly, David replied. "A little, about two hundred years ago. And, it usually works, when its just a random flashback that occurs on a normal day. But this, i haven't been in an actual heavy combat since the Eugenics War. So, I'm feeling a bit raw at the moment."

"That's understandable," Tate replied with a nod. "Perhaps we should meet regularly for a while to give you a refresher on some important skills? We can also process your recent experiences, but I think it would help for you to have some skills first. Shall we start with some breathing exercises?"

Nodding in agreement, David replied. "Sure. I try to meditate whenever I'm feeling out of sorts. It's just getting harder to clear my mind lately."

"Perhaps it would help to let go of the expectation your mind must be clear to relax," Tate suggested. "Might it be possible to acknowledge the presence of your thoughts without taking the time to focus on any of their content? Thoughts only become distractions when we resist them. The more you push them away, the more your brain brings them to the surface. I wonder what would happen if you labeled them the same way you would label background noise, nature sounds, or anything else you couldn't or wouldn't fight so hard to control?"

David thought about that and then nodded. "You might have something there, Tate. I certainly would be easier to do that than just keep trying to force the issue. Though," he added. "While that could work on the easier, regular thoughts, what about the flashbacks? They are so powerful sometimes, that it takes me days to get back on an even keel."

Tate considered the question for a moment before asking, "Are you saying the flashbacks themselves last for days or are you saying after you experience a period of flashbacks, you can't stop thinking about the thoughts and feelings they bring up?"

David considered his answer for a few beats before replying. "Well, It can be both., Tate. Some flashbacks do last for a day or two, depending what triggers them. Others, I can have a flashback, which was a rather bad one by itself, and it leaves me messed up for a few dsys after."

David's latter statement was familiar to Tate, but she needed more information to increase her understanding of his initial description. "So, if I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying sometimes you are continuously triggered for a day or two? In other words, it feels as if you're reliving traumatic experiences as if they are happening to you all over again for a day or two in length?"

Thinking for a few beats, David then replied. "Yeah, though, it's not that the flashback blinds me to what's in front of me, I still see and hear my surroundings. Its just that my mind flashes the moments at my rapidly, causing it to be difficult to concentrate on the present. Then, once things calm in my mind, depending on how bad the episode was, i tend to feel drained and morose for several days afterwards."

Tate nodded. "I'm sure that is the result of an adrenaline crash. Your body and mind can only sustain the fight, flight, or freeze response for so long. You mentioned things eventually calm down. Is there anything in particular you do or don't do that you think helps to calm everything down?" Sullivan wanted to understand the degree to which David felt a sense of influence over what was happening to him even if he had no control over when his reactions were initiated.

Shaking his head and shrugged. "I just keep doing the calming steps that I was taught a few hundred years ago. And, like I said, sometimes they work, other times, not so much."

"Perhaps it's time to treat these responses with a bit of scientific curiosity," Sullivan suggested. "If we can identify common circumstances and other factors between those occasions in which you were able to calm yourself rather quickly and compare them to the times when you weren't, we may just be able to identify some things within your control that will make a difference. For example, I'm wondering if the frequency and intensity of your flashbacks might be connected to the length of time between when a traumatic event occurs and when you are able to express your feelings in reaction to it?"

"You mean, like what happened at Quell'ish. I had to keep my thoughts focused on the mission on keeping the away team safe, then, engaged in heavy combat soon after, followed up by seeing my commanding officer take s grenade blast to her chest, then loses her arm due to the severity of the damage? I definitely didn't have time to entertain any bad memories until much later."

Tate nodded. "Not every situation will present you with factors you can control in the moment, but perhaps we can focus on what you can do going forward? Maybe that starts with changing how you label the experience of having flashbacks in general. Tell me, when you're experiencing these flashbacks and the time immediately afterward, what thoughts come to mind?"

"Honestly?" David replied. "The first thought I have is where did I fail in the situation?" Shaking his head slowly, he continued. "I always see the faces of those I've known and or loved flashing through my mind when the flashbacks happen. Sometimes, when it's at its worst, I feel like they're all shouting at me, for letting them down."

"Is that what you believe?" Tate asked. "That you are to blame if people are hurt or injured on a mission that you were a part of?"

Exhaling loudly, David shrugged. "I don't know, Tate. All I know is how horrible I feel when I am under these flashbacks."

"First thoughts can be strong indicators of beliefs we carry deep down. In a high stress situation you just went through, you said your first thought was to wonder where you went wrong… Not if you did something wrong, but where. If you hold yourself responsible every time something bad happens in your presence, is it any wonder you're experiencing all of these flashbacks reminding you of it?"

David considered her words carefully, then nodded slowly in agreement. "That sounds fair. But what I do to not think that?"

"Put your thoughts on trial," Tate offered. "First, identify all the evidence that supports the notion you are always to blame when things go wrong on a mission or in your life. Next, identify all the evidence that suggests the opposite is true. If need be, challenge each individual piece of evidence. Then weigh the scales. My sense is, when you really listen to the voice inside of you, you'll start to recognize cracks in your emotional logic and be able to come up with a more realistic and less hurtful way to view things. Shall we try it? "

Shrugging, the El Aurian replied. "Sure. I'll try anything, if it'll help me feel better about myself."

***Fade To Black***

Lieutenant Tate Solomon, Ph.D.
Assistant Chief Counselor
USS Elysium

&

Corporal David Tonelly
62nd Marine Detachment Scout Sniper
USS Elysium