A bit of self-care

Posted on Sun Dec 23rd, 2018 @ 6:11pm by Lieutenant Danica Kovitz & Lieutenant Commander Savar cha'Salik hei-Surak Talek-sen-deen [Taylor]

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Counselor’s Office
Timeline: MD -10
1809 words - 3.6 OF Standard Post Measure

Danica was pacing her quarters nervously. She’d finally decided that she needed to commit and actually go to the counselor. It’d been a full week since she arrived on Elysium and a few days since she’d gotten her transfer approved. She needed to stop putting it off. In all honesty, she’d not been to the Counselor more than a few times before and all of those had been on much smaller ships. She wondered if she’d need an actual appointment on a ship this large.

She finally built up the courage. =^= Computer, connect me with the Ship’s Counselor. =^=

Savar was in his office as the computer connected Danica to him. "This is Savar, how may I be of assistance?" He inquired.

“Um, Savar, this is Danica Kovitz. I was wondering if you had any openings. I have some...things I need to work through.”

Savar heard the hesitation in the young woman's voice. No doubt she wasn't a fan of counselors in general he surmised. "Certainly Miss Kovitz. If you would like to come now that would advantageous as my schedule is free right now." As he talked he was pulling up her file from the database.

“Perfect. I’m on my way now.” Danica clicked off her combadge. Was that a Vulcan? This should be interesting. Then again, no one was as good at compartmentalization as the Vulcans, and she could use a bit of that right now.

It was a few minutes before she arrived at the counselor’s office. She really needed to review this ship’s layout. Entering, she spotted the man at his desk. “Savar? Sorry for taking so long. Are you still available?”

He rose as Danica entered. "Miss Kovitz" He began then corrected himself when he saw the pips at her collar signifying she was a lieutenant. "My apologies, Lieutenant Kovitz. I am indeed free, please come in and have a seat."

“Oh please,” she said waving dismissively at his mention of rank. “Danica or Dani is fine. And thank you for seeing me. I don’t know how much you e heard, but I’m a bit of a new arrival aboard Elysium. And my method of arrival was...” She laughed nervously. “Well it didn’t come without some scars.”

He nodded. "Very well Dani." He said in the hope that the usage an informal variation of her first name would put her more at ease. "You were the one we rescued from the lifepod." He stated. "From the Grissom." He concluded. "I have been reading your file." He admitted.

“Yeah...,” she said trailing off. “I came in in bad shape. Sickbay patches me up, but...I lost a lot of people over there. Some very dear ones. And while I’m functional while in public, I’m struggling with it when I’m alone.” She didn’t know if she should define struggling or not. Counseling had never been something she did much of.

He listened in silence as she spoke of first arriving and her struggle now. He noticed the damaged combadge on her uniform. No doubt it was from the Grissom and someone she knew. "Struggling as you put it is most noticeable when one is by themselves. There is nothing to keep the mind occupied so it strays … usually to what caused them to be alone in the first place."

“That’s...yeah that’s a spot on assessment.” Danica now wished she’d seen more Vulcan counselors. “It’s just when I’m alone, it’s all I can think about. I just get stuck in a loop. Who’s gone, why they’re gone. What I wished I could have told them. It was so sudden. We were in safe territory. One minute everything was fine. I was having lunch with Anya and Liam. Five minutes later, the ship was gone and so were they. There was no time to prepare, or say goodbye.”

"You are obsessing over the loss of your crewmates and ship. This is quite common when the loss is traumatic. Your mind is filled with what ifs and as you have noticed you think of what you could have done. You must first remember, there was nothing you could have done to prevent the loss of the Grissom, no matter how much time you had. The results would be the same. You must unburden your mind from this so you can move foward. The combadge you wear, it is from the Grissom is it not?"

Her hand traveled to it somewhat reflexively. “It is, yes. It was actually Liam’s. Liam was our helm officer. A friend and...” She paused, mentally completing it. ‘Almost more.’ She continied. “Mine was destroyed. He put it on me just before my pod ejected. He set it up as a beacon. From what I understand, it was one of the main reasons Elysium even spotted me out there.”

Savar nodded, "Very reasourceful. Do not wear it again on duty." He said bluntly and held uphis hand to ward off any howls of protest from Danica. "Let me explain. Wearing it despite your best intentions keeps the incident fresh in your mind. It is a constant reminder of the loss you suffered. Your mind would never heal and the loss would fester causing even more mental stress. You may of course keep it but in your quarters ...please."

The comfortable mood Danica has been in fractured to pieces in an instant. His attempt to delay her reaction did successfully delay it, but it was just that. A delay. Her voice came out unsteady and pleading. “No no no. Please, I don’t think you understand. It still works just fine. It’s fully functional. It’s only slightly damaged visibly. I can...I can have the scratches buffed out if need be. But...I...I can’t.” Her hand clutched at the tiny metal device, clutching it like a prized gem. “This is all I have left of any of them. It’s the last thing he gave me. He gave his life so that this could get me here.”

Her veneer of composure has shattered. She was halfway off the couch. Tears had welled in her eyes, and were streaming unhindered down her face. The badge was clutched so tightly in her hand that her knuckles went white. Her voice, however, had retreated and had been replaced by a soft pleading. “Please. It’s all I have left.”

Savar listened impassively to Danica's plea as he watched tears stream down her face like twin rivers. Not speaking he handed her a box of tissues so she could wipe the tears away. When he spoke his voice was still professional but seemed softer. "Lieutenant,listen to what I am saying. I understand the combadge means a great deal to you. It is a link between you and your dead crewmates. I am not suggesting you get rid of it only you not wear while on duty. You may of course keep it in your quarters as a reminder of Grissom crew and your friend and their sacrifice. That is the proper way to remember them.Your friends would understand and I dare say would agree with your decision to leave the badge in your quarters. You must move foward." He paused watched her and spoke again, "You would not wish to lose it on an away mission would you? There is a good chance that could happen."

Finally wrestling control back of her emotions, Danica took a few tissues and sat back in the couch. Her heart was racing and her breathing was shallow. The Vulcan’s logic was sound. Every time her hand drifted to it, every time her eyes were drawn to it in her reflection, her mind went back there. Sure, it was an association with an honorable act worth remembering. But it was serving as both a crutch and an anchor. It let her carry her baggage with her while pretending it was gone. But it also meant she had continuous reminders of her loss. Logically, of course she should stop wearing it. And then there was the idea of losing it on a mission. The thought alone almost made her lose control again. With a sniffling breath, she assumed better posture. “You’re right. I wouldn’t want to lose it. I probably couldn’t handle it and that’d still put the rest of the away team in jeopardy. Not to mention that I’d lose the last thing I had of the Grissom.”

She shifted. “I can’t exactly do that in a mission,” gesturing in the air to mean her brief breakdown.

Savar listened as Danica seemed to understand his reasoning about the combadge. "Lieutenant... Danica. If you wish to honor your former crewmates. might I suggest you keep a journal or perhaps write letters to them. Telling them of your new ship and crew and it's adventures. It will give you the release you seem to require."

Lt. Kovitz nodded at this, her face flat. She was a little embarrassed about her outburst a moment ago. She knew she shouldn’t be, but emotions have a mind of their own sometimes. “That’s not a bad idea. Maybe I can frame it or something,” she said, looking at the combadge. “And yes, I think writing letters might be therapeutic for me. It’ll let me keep them as part of my life without...well, without preventing myself from moving on.”

"Indeed." Savar replied stoically. "Your life is in front of you Danica, not behind. Remember that. Be focused on that. As for your friend's combadge. may I suggest you clear a space on a book shelf or counter . Where you can view it and remind yourself when you feel the need that your friend's sacrifice was not in folly."

"Ok," she said taking a deep breath. It'd take some work, but she could pull herself together. "Ok, I can do that."

"I am sure that you can. The first few days will be difficult but you are a strong young woman and you can succeed." He may a note on a PaDD. "However I would like to meet with you in two weeks to see how you are progressing."

“That makes sense. I’ll be here. And I’ll let you know my progress on the letters and framing this badge.” She paused for a moment. “Thank you, Savar. This wasn’t all the easiest to hear, but...I think I needed it.”

"Good Luck," he said invoking a Terran term he had heard on countless occasions before. He hoped the young Lieutenant was successful in coming to terms with the loss her former ship and crew. Only time would tell.