Rude Awakenings

Posted on Wed Nov 3rd, 2021 @ 7:39am by Lieutenant Myne Redal & Lieutenant Commander Rin
Edited on on Thu Dec 23rd, 2021 @ 7:31pm

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Rin's Quarters / Galactic House of Pancakes
Timeline: Prior to arrival at the Gorn homeworld
2197 words - 4.4 OF Standard Post Measure

//ON//

Myne stood once more in front of Rin's cabin, wondering if she should bother her or not. But she really needed someone to talk to. Damn, she was losing control slowly and slowly these days. And fun stuff happened to which threw her out of her usual loop. It was hard to focus when there was someone else in her cabin, looking over her shoulder. And without focus, yeah, she did not want to think about that.

Pressing the button on the door to announce her intention, she sighed and looked down at her uniform. She had just finished her shift and was feeling a bit more tired than usual.

The chime woke Rin up. She frowned. Who the heck would be at her door? She didn't get visitors often. Well, ever, really. Someone would usually com her if they wanted or needed to see her.

"Enter" she called, walking out of her bedroom. Her pajamas consisted of satin pajama bottoms and a matching tank top, which showed off the implants in one arm and a few smaller ones on her chest.

The Trill's eyes went wide as she saw the implants on Rin's arm and chest. "Wooow, those look so cool Rin! What do they do?!" Realizing her excitement got the better of her, Myne shook her head. "Sorry, lost my focus for a moment. Erm, Rin, can I talk to you for a bit? I just need to talk to someone for a bit. If I am bothering you, I can go, actually, I should go. Sorry, didn't mean to disturb you!!" Myne turned to leave.

Myne could hear footsteps as Rin approached the door. There was a pause, and then the soft woosh of the door closing.

Anger was intoxicating. Yeah, it had its downsides, but it was emotional - strongly emotional - a sense she didn't experience often. The idiom of it being "blood-boiling" was pretty on point. Rage was coursing through every part of her body.

She was tired of having to explain herself, of being a curiosity. It had been 17 years. A human child became a fully grown adult in that time, but in others' eyes Rin was just this...thing, half person, half something else, something scary and alien and weird.

She wasn't half a person. She was a whole person, a person who just happened to be an unnatural amalgam of parts.

Granted, if she had to use a respirator or other obvious mechanical device, as some non-humans did on Federation ships, Myne would probably have reacted similarly. But did that really make it better?

Rin's implants were integral to her being. They were defining features of an xB. She supposed, on reflection, she had no specific objection to being asked what they did. But did that have to be the first thing out of Myne's mouth? Rin's foreign parts were the first thing worth noticing.

And Rin and Myne had already had this conversation.

Granted, Myne's background had been a part of how she reacted.

Then again, you might say that about anyone when Borg were concerned.

But Myne was screwed up. Rin understood that after looking at the Redal symbiont file.

Rin was just so *tired* of it all. She wouldn't be expected to put up with this nonsense if she was, for example, a Klingon. A Klingon in a Starfleet uniform, no less.

But Myne had apologized. She had recognized the error. And, really, what more could Myne do to make it right at this point?

Rin sighed and went back to her bedroom to fetch her communicator. "Rin to Redal. I'm sorry for closing the door." She was very specific in that apology. "How about we meet at the Galactic House of Pancakes on deck 10? If you still wish us to speak."

Tapping her comm, Myne waited before replying, taking a moment to steady her breath. "Yes, I would love that. Want me to order you something?" She asked her hands trembling a bit as she leaned against the corridor wall.

Why was it so hard to try and be normal? And why... she had so many questions that no one could answer. So many questions she was afraid to hear the answer to.

"Rin... thank you." Raising her hands she wiped the tears that were forming. Damn trembling, just stop it already. At least she could feel herself smiling, genuinely.

Rin could hear the sadness in Myne's voice, and it knotted up her stomach.

Ten minutes later, Rin entered the restaurant in trousers and a tank top, proper outwear now rather than pajamas. Because screw anyone who didn't like the way she looked. It wasn't aimed at Myne. It was a general personal protest.

And she did get looks. And it was uncomfortable. When had she started allowing herself to be embarrassed by the behavior of others? When she started caring about other people's feelings, she supposed.

She offered Myne a handful of facial tissues as she sat down. "I thought you might need these. I'm sorry I upset you. You apologized. I should have accepted that."

Looking up at Rin, the Trill blinked a few times before accepting the tissues and blushing embarrassed. Taking one, she wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. "Don't be silly Rin, I am fine, really. It was I that pushed too much, I need to learn some self-control apparently. So it is me that has to apologize. Thank you for coming, really. Erm, do you want something to eat?"

Myne was clearly nervous and playing with the tissue she used, doing her best to put on a smile and look cheerful. As she usually did. If people were looking their way, Myne paid them no attention, as if they were alone in the restaurant. She had good practice at that, who ever said tunnel vision is a bad thing?

Rin put in an order for coffee, juice, pancakes and sausage, then turned back to Myne. "You said you needed to talk about something. What can I do?"

Nervously, after that question, Myne ordered just a slug-o-cola. Honestly, she was kind of drinking this a bit too much lately. And pancakes too, just to fit in and see how they taste. "Yeah, erm, I don't know. Never did this talking to people thing. It's been..." She stops to think and crunch some numbers in her head before continuing. "About four hundred years and I still don't feel, normal talking to people about things like this. I got a new cabin mate for a few days while her cabin is being worked on. Do I, Rin, am I a bad person? Do I act superior towards others?"

"What????? No, I've never seen you act superior to other people. And...why would you ask if you're a bad person?"

"Apparently this is the impression I left on my new roommate. Or, the impression my people leave on others. Rin..." She paused again, looking down at the table and struggling to gather her thoughts. "Where do I begin and where does Redal? What part of me is me and what part of me are the others. I... frak, my head is such a mess." Myne leaned forward to rest her head in her hands. "A part of me, old instincts and experiences tell me that this is a mistake."

Rin stands up, comes around the table and sits beside her friend, putting an awkward arm around her shoulders. "That what is a mistake?"

Raising a hand to hold onto Rin's, Myne's smile broke into a sadder one. "It is a mistake to show vulnerability or weakness. Lifetimes of experiences tell me that I need to run. That opening up is inviting others to strike. I keep making mistakes over and over trying to be something I am not."

"I'm not sure I'm the right one to ask, but I'll try," said the xB, struggling to put feelings into words. She stutters out the beginning of several thoughts, only to swallow them, deciding they were dumb.

"Feelings are part of what make us who we are. You're an extrovert. You like sharing. Your symbiont should respect that....if that's how it works. I don't quite understand how the joining thing works. Hiding your feelings doesn't mean you don't feel them. And maybe you don't share them with everyone. Maybe you just share them with people you trust...like people who don't close the door on you. I'm even more sorry now."

"I have trouble understanding other people's feelings," Rin continued. "Then I try, and I care too much, and I end up hurting myself instead."

*That's probably not actually helpful,* Rin thought. Then she thought, *Actually, maybe it actually is.*

"If your symbiont is hurting you this bad, are you able to just tell it to fuck off?"

"It is not so simple." Myne replied and looked at Rin conflicted. How can she describe how it works or how she feels? Better yet, should she tell her what she thinks or what she has inside of her? When is too much sharing dangerous? When did all of this become so complicated?

"Me and Redal are not separate beings Rin. In a sense, we are like a mini Collective. Once I go through the Joining, we become one being. All the lives, memories, experiences, instincts of the previous hosts are merged with mine. Upon joining with Redal I became the continuation of a four-century-long existence. Their lives are now my lives."

Pausing, Myne looks down again. "I might seem like an extrovert, but that is just how I try to avoid making people get angry with me. I am scared when I talk to others actually, afraid I will hurt them. Rin..." The Trill began to tear up slightly, angry with herself mostly. "I have hurt a lot of people, ruined lives. It is getting so hard lately to keep those thoughts and memories away, the impulses and drives. How... can I cope with that? Rin... that is why I wanted to talk you that first time. To see if I can learn how you learned to deal with what you have gone through."

Rin frowned, trying to find a way to help. "Do you mean dealing with the guilt? I remind myself that wasn't me. I had no agency. I cannot be responsible for something I had no say in. I do remember it, but it wasn't me. It was the Collective puppetting my body. You aren't responsible for the actions of the previous hosts. They made their choices. You had no say. You weren't even there. You have someone else's memories."

"You asked before what you would find in my head, and I didn't want to answer because the answer is terrifying," Rin continued. "Screaming. I hear the screaming, and I remember the rush of data and how we all moved as one within it. And I have to remove myself from that. I have to keep centered. I have to remember who I now am. I have to remember what it means to be an individual. It helps if you feel like you belong elsewhere, but that's something I still struggle with. And meditation. I can show you sometime, if you'd like."

Rin put her other arm around Myne, hugging her. "I'm so sorry I turned you away."

Myne's eyes widened and she nodded feverishly at Rin. "Yes, that!! Guilt, why is it always so hard to put into words?" As the former cyborg spoke, looking very pained, Myne leaned into the hug. "Rin, that sounds terrifying. Truly, terrifying. You are so brave and strong. To go through that and come out on the other end in one piece like this." Hugging her back was awkward and clumsy, showing a lack of experience in the hugging department.

"Thank you for telling me this Rin, you really are a good friend. A precious friend. It seems to be, that our experiences seem similar and yet different. I am trying, I really am. Trying to keep repeating to myself that I am Myne and not the other hosts. But... whenever I close my eyes, or I let my mind rest. Those memories feel like mines, when I close my eyes I do not see through someone else's mind doing those things, those are my hands doing it, my words."

Pulling away from Rin, Myne took another napkin and wiped slightly red eyes, exhaling and laughing a bit nervously. Smiling bravely too. "Rin, you did not turn me away. I know I am annoying, clumsy and a handful. And you came, didn't you? I would like to try meditation, maybe. Though I am reluctant, it didn't help much in the past. Ok ok, stop talking about bad things Myne!! Rin, do you want to eat something? We are at a restaurant after all?" She quickly spoke trying to divert the subject of the conversation, afraid she might have unloaded too much, pushed a precious friend away with her problems.

"Sure, pancakes it is."

//OFF//

Lieutenant Rin
Chief Intelligence Officer
USS Elysium

Lieutenant JG Myne Redal
Assistant Chief Operations Officer
USS Elysium