Personal Log #2: Lt. JG Myne Redal

Posted on Thu Dec 23rd, 2021 @ 10:14pm by Lieutenant Myne Redal
Edited on on Thu Dec 23rd, 2021 @ 10:35pm

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: DECK 8 - Cabin 40 G-O
Timeline: MD15 1830
1062 words - 2.1 OF Standard Post Measure

//ON//

*Entry #2*

Assistant Chief Operations Officer's personal log, number two. Hey there personal log, it's been a while. Or not, I don't know anymore. I am losing my grasp over time slowly, with each passing day.

Vede tried to kill me, for the second time in such a short time. Well, the first time he tried to kill Rin actually. Thankfully she's actually trained for close combat, unlike me. Vede used to be tall, well built and strong. I think my weaker body threw him off balance, but that won't work a second time.

Today he took control of my hand and made me electrocute myself. I am stupidly lucky to be alive and that the console I was working on was busted already.

Fucking Sudra, it is the last time I am listening to that drunken idiot. I cannot believe I used to look up to him. He was my role model, that is why I called upon him. Why did I do the Rite of Emergence?

Sudra never really dealt with Redal, he hid behind his bottles and avoided responsibility, only to thrust it upon me with the first chance he got. He chose to die and pass Redal along with such joy, I was such a fool. So stupid and blind, I could not see the signs before it was too late.

Luckily enough for me, I have stocked some medical supplies in the cabin. I'll treat my burns myself. After the incident with Rin I can't go to the Sickbay anymore. Doctors Voight and Kesahl are there, both Trills.

Especially after what happened with Rin, Doctor Voight... she, she... *Stifled sobbing sounds* Doctor Voight proposed that Redal be allowed to die with me. I think she might even go as far as to propose to have Redal unjoined from me. I do not want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to...

I don't want to end up like Visro, running away to avoid Redal being ripped from her. Living day to day just to stay alive. No, I can't go to Sickbay anymore, it's too dangerous. I need to finish this new project as soon as possible.

But, how can I do that if Vede is always looking over my shoulder? I can't push him back anymore, not after Sudra sabotaged me like that. Stupid idiot made me lower my shields and now I don't know how where Vede has hidden. After what happened today I feel his anger boiling in my veins and I can't stop it.

What should I do? I cannot leave Starfleet and hide like Visro. I am not strong like her and even she lost her mind and almost died. Well, obviously she's dead now, but she...

*Loud sigh* I need Starfleet, I need these people around me. They can protect me from me and they can stop me. Like Rin stopped Vede. But at the same time, I can't really tell them anything. Already I said too much to T'Kara and I regret it.

At least T'Kara won't tell anyone else, she is not the type and she already doesn't really like me. I know she will be relieved when her cabin is finished and she leaves, but at least I can trust her dislike in me to have her not take my words seriously.

Then there are those to head doctors. Rael and Kaeya. Going to Rael was a mistake, I already shared too much than I should have. What is it with me and Vulcans? Why do I feel so safe in opening up to them? Damn logic badgers, so annoying and logical.

Kaeya is different, somehow. A thousand years old, a symbiont so ancient it makes Redal feel like a child. It was humbling and humorous at the same time. But he is dangerous, I just know it. Potentially the most dangerous one out of everyone. He knows things, he's lived long enough to understand them.

Fuck me I am losing it. Listen to me, these are Vede's words, it is his paranoia. How can I push him back down when he feels so overwhelming? I must find a way to keep myself from losing it. But how?

*Another loud sigh* So glad I keep these damn logs on the PaDD. I should check the protocols for my cabin, make sure Avalon is still cut off from listening in. Hopefully, there aren't any holo emitters left in here. I purged them all after she butted her nosey nose in when I was trying to upload the Mark subroutine.

Not to worry though, this EMH project will be of great help. Once I understand how a Federation AI like Avalon functions on a programming level, then I can start to take better measures to protect myself. Especially now since Commander Taylor has that favor lording over me.

Damn the man gives me chills. And he did not so subtly hint that he will hunt me down for it if I try to weasel my way out of it. I don't need another powerful person hunting me down. Already inherited a frighteningly long list of those from the other hosts.

One problem at a time Myne. First things first, learn how Avalon works, make a functional, efficient EMH for personal pride and learning advancements reasons. Then use that knowledge to make a better Mask subroutine.

Also, once I actually make the EMH, I no longer have to fear the Sickbay. I'll be able to still deal with the aftermath of Vede's actions or if any of the others try to break through, without alerting doctors Voight and Kesahl. I cannot let them take Redal away from me.

He is my demon to bear, and I cannot allow the work on the Ark to just end either. Even that is more important than Redal. The Ark must continue, something good must come out from this dark legacy of suffering.

This is all Sudra's fault and mine. I believed in him, I trusted him and he lead me astray. I should have known better. I always know better but I ignore the signs. Stop being stupid Myne, stop trusting and believing, everyone will betray you. It is inevitable.

I will not fail. I will not die.

*End log.*

//OFF//

Lieutenant JG Myne Redal
Assistant Chief Operations Officer
USS Elysium