"Healer's Guilt"

Posted on Sat Apr 30th, 2022 @ 10:51am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Commander Sthilg

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Counseling Department Lobby and Tate Sullivan's Office
1423 words - 2.8 OF Standard Post Measure

Sthilg twiddled his thumbs as he sat on the floor of the counselling section of the ship's med-bay. He needed to talk to someone and not his daughter or her husband. He needed to get the thoughts out of his head.

The doors to Tate Sullivan's office hissed open and both she and the engineering crewman she was saying goodbye to were startled to see the reptilian CMO sitting in the middle of the floor.

The doctor was hard to miss generally, so to see him in the middle of the floor was particularly surprising. Placing a hand on the engineering crewman's shoulder and waving to her with a look that said "I'll see to this," she approached, not really needing to crouch down to be at his level, but feeling compelled to do so anyway. "Commander?"

Sthilg head shot round with an apologetic look on his face. " Ah lieutenant. I hope you can forgive me, but I broke one of your chairsss." He said his white eyes looking over at the stool that was bent nearly 45 degrees.

"That's OK," Sullivan reassured. "How about we go into my office? I think I have a chair that will accommodate your needs. In any case, it will give us some privacy." Tate was curious, but also concerned. It wasn't like the doctor to show up out of nowhere, seeming so out of sorts.

" Thank you. " The gorn said as he stepped inside and waited for the door to close. " I'm sssorry for sssurprising you like thisss I jussst need to talk to sssomeone. " He said as he started to figit with his fingers.

"I am glad you felt you could come to me," Tate replied, gesturing for him to make himself comfortable. "I'm assuming whatever is on your mind, you didn't feel comfortable talking to Alicia about it?"

The gorn nodded as he carefully lowered himself into one of the chairs. " Yesss i'd like it if thisss ssstaysss here between usss. Hasss Alicia told you I've asssked her mother out on a date?"

As the doctor asked for their conversation to be kept just between the two of them, Tate offered, "Of course." It went without saying that anything shared with a counselor would be kept confidential unless someone's safety was at risk. When he shared what was on his mind, her brow quirked in surprise. "She hasn't. To be fair, we haven't talked much beyond work matters lately."

" Thank you. It'sss jussst I wasss planning are date. Ssshe'sss asssked to sssee my homeworld in it'sss prime. It'sss I wasss working on the program and then I jussst ......"

The old gorn pushed as he thought through the words in his head.

" Am I wrong for wanting thisss?" he said quietly.

Tate wasn't sure what he was asking. "Are you asking if you're wrong to want to date or whether you're wrong to want to create a program showing your home world in its prime?"

" The former." He replied quietly. " I am wrong for wanting to try and love again. Part of me feelsss like I'm t erassseing Alicia father and what if I messsss thisss up and ruin my freindssship with Deanna?"

"That's a lot of worry and power attributed to a single date," Tate replied after a moment. "Let's aside your worries about the future for a moment. What makes you think you don't deserve to have love in your life?"

The gorn was quite as he thought his reply through. When he spoke his voice was weak as pain was clearly signed in his eyes " Becoussse I killed the lassst woman I made that promissse to."

Tate kept her expression inscrutable as she absorbed what the doctor had said. She wrecked her brain for any historical details in which she would possibly paint him a murderer, but she couldn't think of any. Beyond self-defense, she knew the crew of the Elysium would never harm anyone if they could avoid it. "I'm not sure what you mean. Will you explain?"

The gorn was quite as tears filled his eyes. " I told her it would be alright. That it wasss sssafe. I lossst both of them. My wife and child."

Sullivan knew the Gorn had lost his wife and child some time ago. It was an event the Doctor himself had alluded to once, and Alicia had spoken of it, but Tate hadn't pressed. Unless she was conducting a psychological evaluation or providing counseling to someone in particular, she didn't routinely inquire about the traumatic or distressing things she knew about anyone's past.

Now, however, it seemed the doctor was ready.

"When you reassured that it would be alright, what were your intentions?"

" Gedesss wasss a breech birth and Ssshassssssou had a Placental abruption. I needed to do a c sssection to try and sssave both of them. The lassst wordsss I ever told her that ssshe'd be awake in a few hoursss to hold her. I told her everything would be alright. " The gorn said pain in his voice as he did.

Tate placed a hand on the Gorn and asked gently, "When you said those things to her, did you believe them to be true at the time? What I mean is, did you think you were telling her the truth?"

The gorn nodded softly. " Yessss." Was his soft reply.

"Did you do everything you possibly could to save them both? Did you ever and any point stop trying to save them if there was a possibility they could be saved?"

" I tried reviving them for three daysss. It felt like five minutes. I wasss in what felt like a nightmare. It was only when Assshah Empirn took my hand and told me they were gone that I sssnapped out of it."

"That's perfectly understandable. You were in shock," Tate offered. "You didn't lie. At the time, you had every reason to believe you could save them and you did everything you could to make that happen. It's perfectly natural to be afraid of falling in love again and potentially facing the loss, but to not do so would be like refusing to practice medicine because you're afraid of losing people. Can you honestly imagine not taking that particular risk?"

The gorn said nothing before shaking his head. " No when I buried them I promisssed to never let it happen again."

"Is that what you have been telling yourself? That you could have prevented their deaths and you just chose to let it happen?" Her tone was slightly chiding, but not disrespectful. "You are a smart man and an experienced doctor. I know you know such promises are unrealistic."

" I failed them. I keep thinking their mussst have been sssomething I could have done. All to sssee her sssmile asss ssshe held her daughter." The gorn replied softly.

"If I treated a patient I loved as much as you loved them and I had lost them, what would you tell me? Think like a doctor for a moment and not as a grieving husband and father. What would you say?"

The gorn breathed in and out a few times before letting out a sigh. " I'd tell you it wasssn't your fault and you ssshoudn't blame yourself." He said weairly. " I really am acting like an old fool aren't I?"

"No," Tate replied firmly, but not unkindly. "You're just mistakenly equating how much you want something with the ability to make it happen."

The gorn ran his hand over his head. " Thank you for the talk doctor." he replied warmly.

"You're welcome," Sullivan replied. "I know what I'm proposing takes time to sink in. I don't pretend to think any of this could be resolved in a single session. Might you be open to meetings more regularly for a while? Perhaps we can see where all of this goes."

The gorn nodded. " I'll send you a timetable of when I'm available. Emergency's not withstanding."

"Of course," Tate replied. "We'll set up regular meetings, but please don't hesitate to reach out anytime you need. Fellow healers need to look out for each other."

"Thank you." the elderly lizard replied warmly as he headed for the door.

As Tate watched him leave, she hoped he would follow through. She knew it wasn't easy for nurturers like the two of them to ask for help, but she also knew how important he was to her and so many. If Sullivan could play any part in bringing him some sort of peace, she would consider it a privilege.