You Owe Me an Explanation!

Posted on Tue Nov 8th, 2022 @ 2:57am by Lieutenant Etrara Khalten & Lieutenant JG Zac Smithson

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Various Locations
Timeline: Current
2491 words - 5 OF Standard Post Measure

Zac was dismayed and shocked by the news he had been hearing through the ship's grapevine. News that said Etrara had been seen with Petty Officer O'Keefe and they had appeared close. At first, he didn't want to believe Etrara could do such a thing to him. They had dinner together, seemed to hit it off even shared some kisses. Had she just led him on? If so for what purpose? The he was equal parts hurt and angry, just what had Etrara thought" The more he thought on it madder he got. He headed for Etrara's quarters; she owed him an explanation.

By the time he reached her quarter's he had worked himself up to a full blown anger. His finger jabbed at her door chime. He shifted impatiently from foot to foot as he waited for her to come to the door. "Come on! Come on!" He grumbled as he continued to wait.

Etrara lay the other side of the door on her bed covered in her own blood. She had returned from Sean’s quarters an hour ago and all she could think about was Zac and how she had let him down. She had not told Sean anything but she had never intended to see him again, in fact she did not intend to see anyone again. Next to her she had left two PaDDs, one for the Captain explaining why she had done this and thanking her for the opportunity she had been given. The other she had left for Zac trying to explain why. She had thought they were becoming close but, once again her doubts and fears had overcome her. Sean had been there at a time she had needed someone but there had been no excuse for what she had done despite the fact that she could not go through with it. In her depressed mind she knew that she could never give Zac a full relationship. Peter Zappricio had beaten her at last and she would finish what he had began all those years ago. In her disordered mind her guilt and feelings of worthlessness had now become overwhelming.

“My dear Zac, by now you will have heard on the grapevine that I had been seen with Sean. What you will not know is that I spent the night with him. We tried to have sex but it didn’t happen in fact I nearly killed him. I do not know why it happened he was just there. I know how hurt you will be by this butI know now I could never give you the life I know you would want. We could never be together in a fully physical way and I would just end up hurting you more than I have done now. I was falling in love with you despite only just meeting you. You are a good man who deserves more Zac. Zappricio should have finished me on that beach that is the only thing I am sure of. Find someone and be happy, you deserve that.’
She had signed it ‘your friend Etrara’.

She had taken off and folded neatly her much loved and wanted uniform and reverently placed her communicator on the top and stroked the pips on her collar. It seemed sacrilegious to complete the ritual wearing it. Dressing in her comfortable sleepwear she had taken the ritual dagger down from its place on the wall. There was no one she could ask to help her complete the H’egbat ritual, the Klingon rite of ritual suicide, but she knew she would not get to Stovokor, she had not died in glorious combat. Not that she believed in an afterlife anyway but she just wanted it all to stop, the pain she had felt all these years and the pain she she was inflicting on others. Her dreams of a life with Zac were only that, dreams.

Even then she was unable to plunge the dagger into her own chest and had ended up cutting her wrists, she could not even do that right. As she lay on the bed her life blood flowing from her her eyes slowly closed as she smiled.

In the corridor, Zac jabbed the chime again. "Come on Etrara! Open the door and talk to me!" No answer, more time passed, and his anger slowly turned into concern. He took a breath and said. "Computer, override the door lock, medical emergency, Smithson, Delta 1-9-6-1" The door slid open, and Zac stepped into the room. "Etrara?" He called out, no answer her quarters were quiet like a tomb. He moved deeper into her quarters, "Etrara?" He called again. No answer. he got to her bedroom and froze at the sight he saw. Etrara was lying on her bed, blood dripping from her wrists a Klingon dagger on the floor. "ETRARA!" He screamed as he rushed to her side., His hand tapping his combadge. "Medical emergency Lt. Khalten's quarters STAT!" He tore at the bed sheets to stop the blood flow. "Etrara, what have you done?" He cried as he worked feverishly to save her. He had no idea how long he worked. Then the medical personnel were there and they worked on Etrara before beaming her to Sickbay. As they left, he saw two PaDDs one addressed to him and one to the Commodore. He picked up the PaDD addressed to him and left the one to the Commodore on the bedside table.

When he got to Sickbay, he asked about Etrara. "She is stable Lieutenant, you found her in time." A nurse by the name of L. Tune replied. "May I go and sit with her? I won't get in the way. I just want to be there when she wakes up." Tune smiled in understanding, "Of course, she's in room 7." Zac nodded and headed to the room. Entering he saw Etrara, lying, sleeping on the bed. She looked so small and frail. He pulled a chair over, sat down heavily and looked at her. "Etrara, what were you thinking? Nothing you could do warrants this." He paused and tears began to flow and his voice got thick. "I love you Etrara. Do you hear me? I love you and you come back to me, we can work this out. Please Etrara, come back. I love you so much." He finished as his tears ran like twin rivers down his cheeks and then he did something he hadn't done since he was a child.... he prayed.

Etrara’s brain came too in a rush of sound. Her eyes felt heavy as she tried to open them. She thought that if this were death then it was much too loud. Then, she noted her arms hurt this must be hell then, she thought. Slowly and surely she began to recognize some of the sounds. The chirrip of a bio bed, the push of oxygen and the sound of moving feet. Her eyes began to open as the light pierced them. She took a sharp intake of breath as the light hit her optic nerve.

Sitting in his chair, lost in his jumbled thoughts, Zac looked across at Etrara, she was still asleep. The biobed chirped with annoying frequency. His head began to drop when he noticed a crinkling around her eyes as they struggled to open. He heard a sharp intake of breath and knew with enormous relief she was coming awake. "Etrara?" He questioned softly then waited to see if she would respond.

“I know that voice,” she whispered, her throat hoarse. Tears slipped from her closed eyes catching on her long lashes, providing salt for her parched throat “Am I truly in heaven then?”

Zac rose slowly from his chair and moved to the side of the bed. his hand reached out and his fingers slowly closed around hers. He looked at her, his own vision blurred by the tears in his eyes. "Well, if you consider heaven a room in Sickbay aboard the USS Elysium. Then yes, you are."

She opened her eyes fully and, by doing so looked directly into his. “Oh God Zac, who found me?” She asked.

He offered her a soft smile. "I did Etrara." He answered meeting her gaze head on.

She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head away from him. “Why did you save me? you should have let me die.”

"How can you say that Etrara? I love you and I'm not about to let the woman I love die." Zac replied, his voice still soft but with a touch of steel in it.

She sighed with tiredness, “Zac there are so many things you do not know about me. I cannot give myself to you as a woman, I an unable to be what you would want me to be. I have been spoiled by something that happened a long time ago and it has followed me all these long years.” She hesitated, “it is because I love you that I can let you go.”

"Do you think I am that shallow and that small a man that what was done to you years ago affects how I feel about you? I love you Etrara. So, you just might as well accept that. You say there are things I don't know about you are probably so but there are things you don't know about me either. So, tell me the things I don't know because I'm not leaving.'

“Thank you” she said simply, turning back to look into his eyes. She could see something in them that she had never seen before. “I can see you love me, Zac did you find the PaDD I left for you, and did you read it?”

He nodded, "I found two PaDDs one for me and one for the Commodore. The one for the Commodore is still on the bedside table. The one for me I have, and I haven't read it yet."

“Then you should read it before you say you love me Zac, I hurt you, what I did to you was not pretty.” She closed her eyes again, “I wish you had let me die..” her voice trailed off as she fell asleep once again.

He shook his head in denial. "Never would I stand by and let you die Etrara." He said quietly but firmly. "As for this PaDD, nothing that's on it is going to change how I feel about you. I don't know why you did what you did. But what matters right now, is for you to get better."

When she woke again it had seemed like hours. She turned her head to see Zac asleep resting his head on her hand. She smiled “I love you.” She whispered.

Zac stirred, his head lifted and through blurry eyes, "Hey, you're awake. That's great." He smiled at her. "Feeling better?"

“Yes, my love, I am, although you need to go and get some proper sleep. I am sure they will want me to undertake a psych evaluation before they let me leave. Zac, I would like us to move in together, what do you think?”

"Oh, I'm sure they will Etrara. They may even keep you off active duty until you have a session with a counselor." He shook his head, "I'm fine.' Then a smile bloomed on his face, Until his whole face was alit with joy. "I think that is a fantastic idea Etrara. I'm all for it."

She caressed his face, I hope that one day I will be able to..” she blushed, “be with you in a physical way and if you decide in the meantime or meet someone else…” she looked at his face. “I’m thinking too deeply again aren’t I?”

"Not rushing anything Etrara, we'll take it one day at a time." Zac whispered. "Yes, you are. We're together now. That is what matters. Everything else is secondary. I will always be here and support you Etrara.'

“And I you my love, but now you need to do something for yourself, go and sleep. I am safe and will not leave here until you come to take me home. Zac I know how lucky I am to have you. I will try never to let you down.

Tears were in his eyes. "Etrara, I want to stay. I'm fine." Zac protested. "Don't send me away please. I know you won't let me down. Don't let yourself down either Etrara.'

She sighed, “who will run our department if we are both here my love?” She had a sudden though and her face changed. “Zac what if they do not say I am well enough to return to Tactical, that I am mentally ill.

"There is Commander Starr, Etrara." He reminded her. "as for them saying you are mentally ill no chance. You'll be back on duty in no time. They may even return you to active duty with the understanding you have regular appointments with the counselors."

“Yes, you are right, it’s just that there is so much going on currently but my mental state is not good Zac you have to know that! This depression is like a black cloud hovering, always waiting to return if there is a fair wind.” She lay back pale. “Please stay then, be with me for a while I am so tired my love.”

"It's for that reason you need to go and see a counselor Etrara. So, you can beat this and never have to worry about controlling your life again and you can live your life the way it was meant to be without looking over your shoulder all the time."

“Don’t you see my love, I want to be with you, in every way. I want to feel your touch, share each other’s bodies naked under the sheets. Not be scared everytime you touch my body.” Etrara’s voice was raising and a nurse entered the room.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

"Nothing Etrara was just explaining to me and rather passionately a certain tactical maneuver she is fond of." Zac quickly explained.

The nurse looked at him through practiced eyes. “You should be resting Lieutenant Khalten. Doctor has asked that you see a Counsellor before you are discharged. I presume you have somewhere to go so you will not be alone. Trying to kill yourself is a very serious matter.” She turned and walked out of the room.
Etrara could hardly contain her laughter, “tactical manouver? Zac.”

Zac grinned at her, "It worked, didn't it?"

She lay back down suddenly dizzy and the biobed alarmed. The nurse, who must have been just outside the door charged back in checked the stats and sighed. “You will need another transfusion, please try to relax.

Etrara nodded and smiled. Perhaps everything was going to be all right after all.