Repressed Memories, Part 1

Posted on Wed Dec 14th, 2022 @ 3:28am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Lieutenant Commander Rin
Edited on on Thu Dec 15th, 2022 @ 9:03am

Mission: MISSION 0 - History Speaks
Location: Tate Sullivan's Office
Timeline: Before Current Mission
1390 words - 2.8 OF Standard Post Measure

Rin introduced herself as she was directed into Tate's office and took a seat. While the captain had ordered everyone to have a yearly appointment, Rin was theoretically expected to visit someone every month, although she had gotten lax about it of late.

The process had never troubled her. She wasn't sure how much it helped nowadays, but at the very least they could check the required boxes and send her on her way.

Coming back from the restroom, the computer alerted Tate her next arrival was already waiting in her office. Grateful she didn't have to go back-and-forth between the lobby and her office just to save time, she walked into her office wearing a smile.

"Lieutenant Rin?" Sullivan greeted, approaching the woman she recognized from her personnel picture. "I'm Tate Sullivan. Thanks for meeting with me today. Would you care for something from the replicator?"

"Water's fine, thank you," Rin replied.

The space was relatively large to allow for several comfortable chairs for various species, along with the standard work terminal and portal view. Tate had chosen a cross between pale blue and lavender for her office walls, which contains several bookshelves with paper books and paper copies of old but sentimental scientific journals.

Carrying two glasses of water, one for herself and one for the young woman across from her, Tate sat down and handed one glass over. "So," Tate began, "how are you finding the ship so far?"

"Satisfying," Rin replied. "By far the biggest ship I've served on. Large department, more responsibility, ways to keep busy. Friendly crew." It was largely the same answer she always gave to the question, paired down to avoid some weird follow up questions.

It was not an inappropriate answer per se, but it struck Tate as somewhat surprising given Rin's history. "The Elysium is large," Sullivan agreed. "Besides the Mississippi, I wasn't sure you would be able to recall your prior postings. I'm curious what you remember and how that compares to here?"

Rin frowned as she mentally repeated what she had just said. "Yes, that was a very odd way of me phrasing it...."

She tumbled it over in her mind several times. "I mean, I spent time on the Everest after my recovery, but I didn't *serve* there." The difference might seem pedantic to others, but that was how her brain worked. She wouldn't have said 'served' if she meant just any ship she had been on.

"You're asking if I remember the London," Rin continued, matter-of-factly. "I do not." She frowned again at her own words. "No, that's not quite right. I've been remembering bits. Tiny bits. And nightmares. The nightmares used to always be of me as a drone. But I've had a few now where I wasn't. Where I was the one being chased. But I wouldn't call any of those instances really 'remembering' the London."

She pointed toward the back of her head. "I have an implant in my limbic system that is breaking down. Controls emotional response and memory. Medical is monitoring it," she explained, hastily adding: "It doesn't affect my work."

Tate listened patiently, appreciating Rin's willingness to share her current experiences, even if it also seemed apparent she was concerned about being removed from duty or having her duty curtailed in some way. Although her experiences were unique, Rin's seeming concern about being removed from duty because she was experiencing understandable aftereffects from trauma, was not new to Tate.

She encountered many people in her career that viewed mental health professionals as solely there to trip them up, to make them prove themselves. Even medical doctors were not viewed in the same way, even though they shared the same power to remove people from duty. However, it was also true they were the ones who could make the inescapable effects of illness or injury go away. No matter how reluctant the patient, being unconscious or near death would make anyone a believer in medicine. By contrast, psychological pain was viewed as a myth in some cultures, or at the very least, something to be suppressed.

Sullivan took a beat to consider how best to respond. She could imagine Rin had met her fair share of people who left her feeling like a victim to be pitied, even though she knew as a healer herself, that would never be their intention. Still, she couldn't ignore what the young woman had been through and how it was impacting her, and could impact her in the future simply in the service of not wanting to come across like everyone else.

"I appreciate your honesty. One of the most challenging aspects of my work is balancing the needs of individuals against the interests of an entire crew. It is true I have the power to remove people from duty if their psychological condition puts them in danger of hurting themselves or others, but I wouldn't be doing my job very well if I didn't at least make an effort to find out how someone was doing before things have reached that point. I certainly have no desire to punish you for something that happened to you, not something you chose. I respect your efforts to adjust to this new normal, and if there's something I can do to make that process easier, that's all I want."

Rin nodded. "I don't know if there's anything to be done. Recovering memories has been a decade-old question. It is what it is. I was content in not remembering. People used to try so hard for me to remember. It hurt. But of late I've been more curious, so maybe the implant breaking down is for the best."

Tate nodded, understanding recovered memories could be a double edged sword. On the one hand, they provided the details many people needed to fully heal from trauma, but on the other, at least in the short term, they created opportunities for increased anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. "Some people think ignorance is bliss, but in my experience, even if someone doesn't fully remember a traumatic experience, it has a way of coming through in other ways, including in dreams and in physical sensations and ailments, so perhaps this is for the better in the long run. My priority is to support you as you confront whatever these changes mean for you. Naturally, I will confer with the medical staff to make sure we are all on the same page for your care going forward, but in the meantime, can you tell me more about how these new changes are affecting you and any treatment you have received?"

"Doctor, with all due respect...." Rin pursed her lips. "I've lived with memories of the assimilation of others at my hands since the day I escaped." She considered giving examples to hammer home her point: the terror of those trying to flee, the screams of those being converted, the stripping of worlds of resources. But she refrained, hoping her point could be made without such drama. "I can't imagine any memory regained could be more traumatic than that."

"I hope you are right," Tate replied, "and you absolutely could be," she added sincerely. "Still, with a degrading implant in your limbic system, I would expect you to face some challenges with regard to emotions. That's not a slight against you, of course, just natural. As I said, my intention is not to ground you or stigmatize you, just to be support."

Rin nodded. "I'm not sure what would. Probably someone to talk to as things unfold, but at the moment I don't know what that would be....except...."

There was a long pause as she steeled herself up to say what had been bouncing through her head.

"What does love feel like?" Rin asked.

It was not a question she expected to be asked, certainly, but Tate was used to hearing A range of unexpected and surprising things. She took a beat to consider her answer before offering, "I think everyone would describe it differently depending on who you asked, but to me, love feels warm and provides a sense of safety. Loving someone and being loved means accepting someone entirely, faults and all." Sullivan paused there, curious to see what response would follow.

"I...think I'm in love with my ex," Rin confessed.

 

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