Where do I Go from Here?

Posted on Wed Mar 6th, 2024 @ 8:15am by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & 1st Lieutenant Joshua Young [Taylor]

Mission: Season 6: Episode 4: Memory Lane
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: Current
1289 words - 2.6 OF Standard Post Measure

Josh stood outside of Counselor Sullivan's office located inside the Elysium's counseling hub. He didn't know why he was here. Well, he did, he wanted to talk to someone about Anna. How much he missed her, how lost he felt without her. How he was just going through the motions every day. That life held no joy for him. He was just a shell of who he had been before that awful, horrible day that was burned and etched into his memory forever.

He took a deep if not shaky breath and raised a trembling hand to the door chime and after only a moment's hesitation he jabbed it down.

Tate took a breath before directing the doors to open. Over her career, she had helped people deal with a variety of problems, but grief presented its own challenges. There were certainly things she could do to help ease the burden, but it was equally true grief was the path that just required walking. "Hello, Joshua. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you're here."

Josh stood standing looking like a dear caught in headlights. *How do I address her?" He thought frantically. *Sir? Ma'am? First name? Last name?* He settled for what he hoped was the most diplomatic one. "Thank you, Counselor, for seeing me. I greatly appreciate it." He replied simply.

"I'm here to support you however and for as long as you need," Tate assured. She didn't want to spook him. "Would you like to sit down?"

Josh just stood there. What he really wanted to do was run, get as far away as he could. But that was avoiding the reality of the situation. So, he looked at Tate and nodded, "Yes, I would thank you."

Tate stood and gestured toward her reception area. "Take your time. You've made it this far."

Josh nodded and moved to a large couch and sat down. He gave a nervous smile. Looking at Tate, he remarked. "That wasn't so bad." Followed by a decidedly nervous chuckle. Truth was he was on pins and needles and wondering why he ever decided this was a good idea.

Sullivan smiled, not mocking him, but in acknowledgement of his relief for having accomplished what was monumental to him. "There's no right or wrong thing to say here. Maybe you can start by just telling me about yourself?"

Josh flashed a grateful smile at Tate. "Good idea." He swallowed and took a breath. "I'm First Lieutenant Joshua Young assigned to the Diplomatic Protection Team. Along with Captain Richardson and a few other marines." He paused for a beat before adding, "Josh to my friends."

"It's nice to meet you," Tate replied good-naturedly. "I admire and respect the marines aboard. The training you undergo is not a walk in the park."

"Thank you, ma'am." Josh replied politely. "It is nice to meet you as well." He chuckled at Tate's comment about the marine training. "No, it definitely isn't a walk in the park that is for sure."

Sullivan nodded. "We ask a lot of you, and I know a certain degree of self-confidence and mental bravado is required to cope with the dangers you face. It's gratifying to see someone who is willing to reach out for help, though I wonder, do you ever feel you're being given mixed messages about seeking my kind of help?"

Josh nodded. "You mean go if you need help then hearing whispers that your mentally weak for seeking out the help?" He nodded, "Yeah, it happens but I think I'm tough for knowing I need the help."

The question was Tate's indirect way of addressing his feelings about being there and his earlier anxiety. She was pleased he didn't seem to be ashamed of seeking therapy, but his answer didn't seem to match his prior hesitation. "I'm glad to hear you think that way. Earlier, you seemed quite hesitant to be here."

Josh nodded in agreement at Tate's question. "You are right Counselor. I was hesitant but it was of my own doing. Not from any outside pressure. I just had to give myself another little pep talk that I needed this."

"Some part of you doubrs you do?" Her tone was inquisitive, not judgmental. With reluctant people, sometimes it was necessary to address the reluctance before she could successfully address the underlying concerns.

Josh didn't rush an answer. He thought on it for moment before reply. "I thought I could handle Anna's death on my own. But I realize I can't. The loss and pain of her not being here is at times overwhelming and I realize I need help in coping, dealing with her death." He looked over to Tate, "You know I talk to her every night. It makes me feel better to share my day with her."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Sullivan assured. "It takes time to come to terms with a loss so profound. It wouldn't even be unusual if you were to see her at times. All that it means your brain and your heart haven't caught up with one another."

Josh nodded slowly. "I haven't seen Anna at least not yet, but I hear her voice." He admitted. "I don't know if my brain and heart will ever catch up with each other."

"It's hard to know what the end of the journey holds when you're still at the beginning of it," Tate acknowledged. "Perhaps we can start by exploring how your grief is impacting your day to day routine? Put another way, I'm wondering what brought you to my door today specifically?"

Josh nodded, "I get up, get dressed, have a quick breakfast. Check in with Captain Richardson, see if there is anything he needs me to do or check on. If not, I just do my regular shift of safeguarding the diplomats. When my shift ends, I go to my quarters, change into civilian clothes have dinner and when finished I just think of Anna and how much I miss her.'

"And that bothers you because you think it means there something wrong with you?"

Josh shook his head from side to side. "No, no, no. Not all! I love talking to Anna. I was just describing my day. Sorry if I misunderstood you Counselor." Josh paused for a moment and began talking softly but urgently. "Losing Anna was a shock and it still is a shock. I guess it will always be a shock. I miss her so much!" Tears were running down his face like twin streams. "We were so intwined in each other's lives. Now, I have this huge hole of emptiness and I don't know how to deal with it."

It was never easy eliciting pain from others, but Tate understood it was necessary for healing. She had already had some idea of what Josh was avoiding, but she knew she had to gently push to get him to open up and not continue to pretend everything was ultimately OK or at least not that bad. "I know what I'm about to say is not going to give you any comfort, immediately or otherwise, but it is the truth. You're doing exactly what you need to do to move through this loss. You're acknowledging it and opening up about it. I wish emotional things like this could be healed as easily as many physical ailments of today, but the truth is, just like the old days, grief is a challenge one must move through over Time because there is no quick fix. What we can focus on is making sure you're taking care of yourself in the process and maintaining connections with the people and things that give you even momentary relief."