"If you are with me"

Posted on Sun Apr 21st, 2024 @ 12:50am by Captain Samuel Woolheater & Consul Andrinn Orin

Mission: Season 6: Episode 4: Memory Lane
Location: Deck 16, Cabin 14W-O - Andrinn's Quarters
Timeline: MD09 - That evening after 1800 hours
3256 words - 6.5 OF Standard Post Measure

[ON:]

Captain Samuel Woolheater, still in uniform even though he was off duty now and on restricted duty to boot, made his way to Andrinn's quarters. In his left hand, he carried a gift box. In his right hand, he carried a small white handkerchief. He had fastened the handkerchief to an 8-inch (20.32 cm) plastic-like stick. It was wrapped up tightly. When he arrived at his destination, he smoothed his uniform out, checked the box and the card and then, in his right hand unfurled the kerchief sized flag. On it he wrote, "I'm Sorry!" He pressed the call button and listened for Andrinn's voice.

Andrinn had just gotten off from duty not too long before the door chime ran through his quarters. He was still wearing his duty uniform for the most part, but his overjacket was taken off and laying on top of a nearby chair. Andrinn walked over to the door and it parted ways as Andrinn got close enough. Once he saw who it was, he tried to hide a smirk, but Andrinn couldn't help himself.

Andrinn waved Sam into his quarters without even noticing what he was carrying with him. Andrinn asked Sam, "How's everything going? Hopefully, your duty shift wasn't too bad today." Andrinn walked over to the replicator and asked, "You want anything? I know that you must be starved and parched."

~Yup, he's still upset with you~ Sam thought to himself as Andrinn waved him on in. He stepped over the threshold and into Andrinn's quarters with the door closing behind him. Andrinn had his back to him and walked away. And the body language he noticed. The questions were formulaic, asking for information only and at a topical level only. They contained no genuine, meaningful qualities to them. The questions he could have asked of anyone and were void of the emotional depth that Andrinn usually carried in his voice and his manner. Andrinn was El Aurian and, of all people, he would know the power that words and gestures have. He would know the way you say something and how you say can change the meaning and the message. For the briefest of moments, Sam wondered if El Aurians had learned how to weaponize language? How to use words and tones to not simply alter the meaning of words. But to also use the same mechanisims of language to force a feeling, a response or manipulate someone. Perhaps not. Perhaps it was just Sam being 'overly-sensitive'. It sure didn't feel that way to him.

The distance between them increased and with his back turned and facing the replicator, to Samuel, demonstrated how annoyed. How utterly displeased Andrinn must be with him. Sam thought this was a bad idea. Tactically, he was on the losing end of this situation. It seemed that Andrinn still wanted to excise some more. Was there still more scolding ahead? Sam took slow steps further into the room. Noticing the jacket on the chair; he must have been working late. No music was on. No food was ready. Had he stayed at work late on purpose?

Samuel stepped further into the room and closed up about half the distance between them. He was near the dining table now, "My duty shift was long and...boring...no. I don't want anything from the replicator" he answered softly. He couldn't see Andrinn's face so he couldn't read how far apart they were. But based on what was going on, he figured there was a ways to go yet. There was an empty beat. It felt terribly void. It sucked the energy right out of the room. He realized that he wasn't good at any of this.

Since Andrinn's back was to him, the "I'm Sorry!" flag was useless. He held it limply in his right hand and said after that awful beat, "I brought you something..." he said as he looked at Andrinn's back.

Andrinn had ordered up some Vulcan tea that he had gotten used to drinking back while helping the Vulcans back in the 21st and 22nd century. Turning around when he heard that Sam had something for him, Andrinn smiled as he sipped on the warm tea. He asked Sam, "What do you have for me? You didn't have to bring me anything, especially after a long shift that you must've worked today."

Their eyes briefly met and Sam looked away and down, "Oh...no...it's nothing really. Just.....jus....y'know..." he was attempting to apologize and make things better and he was screwing it up. "Here..." he handed a blue gift box wrapped with a white bow. There was a card underneath the bow. In his own hand he wrote, "I am sorry...". The red envelope contained a simple white card on which he wrote in his distinctive handwriting, "...if I hurt you or caused you any worry."

Sam's handwriting was distinctive. It was a mix of block printing, not cursive. He did enough cursive without writing it down. It was simple and very neat. Of note were his letters "E" and "F". His "E's" he dropped the left hand vertical bar. So it looked like just three horizontal bars. And his letter "F" had this curl to it. It looked like the musical notation for "forte" the way it curved at the top and the bottom. It was not too large. It was simple and straightforward. Kind of like him.

Sam watched Andrinn's face to see if he was making any progress.

Andrinn opened up the letter and began to read it. It didn't take him long to read it and slowly begin to open up the little box where there was a red, heart shaped candle inside of it. It made Andrinn smile and he was speechless for a moment.

Andrinn knew that it must've cost Sam a week or two's worth of replicator rations to be able to get the candle and the tools to carve everything out, if he didn't have them stashed away somewhere already. Andrinn finally looked up at Sam and there were a few tears that were rolling down his cheek that he managed to wipe away before anyone noticed...hopefully.

He turned around though, to make sure that Sam couldn't see his tears because not only did Sam get out of the brig here recently without telling Andrinn, it was the anniversary of his father's passing, which was always hard for Andrinn. Andrinn leaned over his shoulder and whispered loud enough for Sam to hear, "Thank you for the gift. It's absolutely beautiful. It means the world to me. How long did it take for you to carve it out?"

Andrinn sounded like he had forgiven him, but his back was still turned to Sam. And he couldn't see his face or his eyes. He took the "flag" and put it into the vase on the top of the dining table amongst the Gib flowers and the Faroo plants. Something was wrong. Why did Andrinn not face him? Or, say something else? Sam answered, "Just a little while. I have a lot of 'spare moments' on restricted duty. We were doing counter-boarding drills and today we drilled pretty tough."

Andrinn said nothing. Sam listened and looked down and then at Andrinn's back. He was annoyed and didn't like passive agressive bullshit. He said, "Could you...could you just yell at me? Or punch me? Or look at me? I don't know how else to make this better? I made a big error, OK? I....don't know what you want me to do? Is this your point? To shut me out so I experience how it feels to be excluded from you? Because I don't like it. I don't like the feeling and I don't want you to shut me out. I am sorry. And I don't know what to do about it." Nothing from Andy. "Do you want me to stay? Or go?"

"No!" Andrinn almost yelled out from across the room as he turned around and Sam could see the tears that were on his cheeks. Andrinn looked down at the floor before he said anything more because he was slightly embarrassed at him yelling anything across the room like he did. Andrinn finally said, "Don't leave. It's not just you not showing up after getting out. Today was the day that my dad freaking died and with everything else, it just sort of compounded into me slapping you down in Marine Country. Sorry for slapping you earlier, by the way. It was uncalled for."

He hadn't expected that. Now he really did feel like a dumbass. "Oh. Andy. I'm sorry man. I'm really sorry. Ah, dammit....I didn't know." Sam took a hesitant step forward and closer. He was looking at Andrinn and felt very badly for him. He wanted to touch him and give him a hug but he was confused. Feelings were super-annoying and he didn't know what to do with them. And at the worst possible time. They befuddled his thinking. He took another step forward, expectatly looking and trying to read Andrinn's body language to tell him what he's supposed to do. He really hated just how much he sucked at this. He took another step forward and was close enough now to feel the pain Andrinn must be feeling.

"Andy, I'm really sorry about your dad, about today, about all...well hell...let's just say I'm sorry for everything up to this point that I've screwed up. It's like the only thing I can consistently do. I didn't know about your dad."

He looked at Andrinn and stepped one most important step; the one that led to his embrace. Sam wrapped his arms around Andrinn tightly and warmly, "I won't do that to you again. Ever. I'm here now. Ready to start again. If I can help you get through this; I'm here for you Andy."

Once in the embrace and letting his guard all the way down, Andrinn couldn't help but smack Sam teasingly. He wasn't sure what to say, so Andrinn didn't say anything at all. Andrinn was whirling with emotions and didn't want them all coming out at once, like they had throughout the day. He just let the moment happen and hung onto Sam for a moment.

The smack across the face was anything but teasing, it stung. "You are full of surprises. I deserved that" he said as he held Andrinn in his arms and looked at him. He rested his head against Andrinn's and felt at peace. He rested his forehead against Andy's and interlocked his fingers with his and just waited. After a bit, Sam lifted Andrinn's chin up to see his eyes. They were a handsome shade of blue. He lifted a few straight brown hairs from his forehead and said, "I'm sorry" he said in hushed, but so velvety, husky tones. "They let me out but...I didn't know if I could do...it...again. Hurt somebody. I was scared, I guess? I just wanted to be someplace where I couldn't hurt anyone." He kissed Andrinn's forehead, "I ended up hurting you anyway. In a way that I didn't foresee" his baritone voice was like a warm fire. Just being close to it warmed things up.

Andrinn wasn't sure what to say, but he wanted to say something so that Sam knew he wasn't all that mad at him anymore. He was still mad that Sam didn't trust him enough or feel comfortable enough to come and see him after everything. But, Andrinn knew Sam would have come to see him eventually. Andrinn whispered, "It's okay. Just with everything that today meant, I could have used you earlier and you...just weren't there. I wanted to tell you about everything and talk to you. But, all those emotions flooded out of me. I'm sorry."

He held Andrinn's face with both hands and said, "You don't have anything to be sorry about. Or apologize about. This is all my fault...all my fault..." he said as he held Andrinn again and kissed him.

Andrinn gently slapped Sam's stomach in a playful way and said through the tears, "It's just...I could have used you. I just wanted to talk to someone about everything that was going on in my life besides all the counselors. It's their jobs to listen and tell you how to live your life. But, you're the one that I wanted in my life and in a moment that I could have used you, you weren't there. You just disappeared and I thought that...I had lost you too and compound that with the anniversary of my father's death, it just made me think that my world was slightly crumbling."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I won't let that happen again. You hear? I won't let that happen again. You can count on me being here for you. I get it. I finally get it. You matter to me Andy. I want you in my life. I need you. Please forgive me?"

"You better keep your promise. I don't want to lose you and what you did scared the ever loving day out of me. I wasn't sure where you were and when I asked around, nobody knew. So, just promise me that you'll trust me enough to come find me afterwards and not wait too long before telling me that you got out of the brig. Understood, mister?" Andrinn said as he wiped away a few more tears and let out of the embrace between him and Sam.

Sam nodded, "Understood. I promise." He gave Andrinn some room and then asked, "Do you want to tell me about your dad?" At that moment, his stomach, which up until this moment he had been able to hide his hunger, made a loud gurgling sound. He was of course hungry. His stomach moaned and groaned loudly, "Sorry" he said.

Andrinn couldn't help but let out a small chuckle as he heard Sam's stomach grumble as he was apparently hungrier than he was vocalizing. Andrinn walked over to the replicator and asked, "What are you having, Mr. Woolheater? I'll tell you about my dad if you tell me what you're having for dinner."

It felt way better to see Andy smiling and even chuckling a little bit, "I promised that I would never again complain about replicated food after living on Popsicle One for months. So anything you want is fine with me. Really. You pick OK?"

"Alright, I've had this idea of something good in my head for a little bit. I've been wanting to see what you thought about it, if you're feeling adventurous," Andrinn replied, turning back to the replicator and getting everything ready for the meal that he had in mind. Once everything was done, Andrinn brought everything over to the table and placed it, while Sam was fiddling with a PADD.

Sam picked up a PaDD from the coffee table and typed in a music selection. In a moment, a solo guitar started to play. It was delicate and healing. Born of a place deep within the heart. Played as one would play to a cherished loved one. The music softly filled the room.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMs04DoXqzw (Hyperlink to a YouTube vidya)


"I've had this tune in my ear since I got out of the brig. It's been years since I heard it. It's from home. I mean Earth. You know...my mom is a musician yeah? I remember how, some nights, she'd hum this tune. One night, I remember, my little brother was being rocked to sleep in my mother's arms. The air was sweet with honeysuckle and jasmine."

Sam could see the room in his mind's eye, "She sat in the rocking chair that looked out over the water. I was...I dunno...six or seven? My little brother was just a baby and she held him in her arms. And...I thought that was so...perfect you know? She was singing this tune, 'Bist du bei mir' I learned later. I stood there in the doorway, just listening and watching. I don't know for how long. A while I guess? I've tried to remember the lyrics. But I can't remember all of them. I just remember the last verse.

~ Be Thou with me, my joy and gladness,
In deep repose my soul shall rest,
My soul shall rest in deep repose.

My heart is glad when Thou art near me
My eyelids closed by Thy tender hands,
My eyes with love will rest on Thee.

Be Thou with me, my joy and gladness,
In deep repose my soul shall rest,
My soul shall rest in deep repose.~


The singer, in a voice very much like Sam's mother sang the verses he had forgotten. He continued, "She finished rocking my lil' bro. Put him to bed and came back to the den where the rocking chair was. I was still there just...I dunno...and...she asked me to come and sit with her. On the chair. In her lap. I didn't want to go at first. Not me, not a baby anymore. I was...y'know....a 'big boy' now. But she insisted. Thank god. One of my most happiest memories Andy. I knew, deep down,...this was love. As pure as it gets."

He could see the whole scene in his mind's eye. The soft warm night and Emma's open arms, beckoning him up and such a tender smile on her face.

"I climbed up and sat on her lap. I probably sighed loudly. She shushhed me.
Told me to just enjoy the rocking chair. She laid my head on her shoulder, pulled me close. She sang this song. I think of this one moment. Wishing, sometimes, I could return to it. When the world and everything in it was...right. When I was whole. And...it was so perfect Andrinn. The only thought...I had...in my head was how I never wanted that moment to end. It was perfect peace and contentment. And I think I've been chasing that one moment...my whole damn life?"

Andrinn watched as he could tell that Sam was definitely thinking about a lot of stuff. Almost like he was reliving a memory or something. The replicator beeped and Andrinn brought the food to the table before walking over to Sam and gently stroking his face to bring him out of the daydream.

The last verse of the music played as Sam closed his eyes to Andrinn's touch. How wonderfully refreshing it was. As pants the hart for cooling streams, so longed his heart for Andrinn.

Sam looked at Andrinn, "Andy, the closest I ever got to that is with you. When you are near. When you're close. When I think about you. And I am so sorry that I put that time...and what we have together at risk."

There was a beat before Andrinn answered.

"Now, that's an apology. I know there's a lot going on with you, but I've just wanted you to know that I was always here for you. I'm a big boy, living quite a bit longer than humans. Don't think I can't handle whatever you're going through," Andrinn replied, gently kissing Sam's head before taking a seat next to him at the table.


[OFF:]


Consul Andrinn Orin

&

Captain Samuel Woolheater