"Fragments - Part 2"

Posted on Wed Jan 15th, 2025 @ 1:09pm by Lieutenant Tate Sullivan Ph.D. & Captain Samuel Woolheater

Mission: Season 6: Episode 5: A church beyond heaven
Location: Dr. Tate Sullivan's Office - Continued
Timeline: MD3 - Continued
1514 words - 3 OF Standard Post Measure

Continued from "Fragments - Part 1"

Christopher was silent a long time. Finally he said, "We protect and defend. We keep civilians from harm; even if that means that we lose the battle or we lose our lives. We are the military force of Starfleet. So...when we have fear, we recognize that we are afraid and we go in anyway. Face it, face it head on and beat it. I hear what you're saying counselor. I know it. I know it in my head; but not in my heart."

Tate smiled wanly. "Building a bridge between heart and mind is at the core of the therapy process, so you've come to the right place. We just need to give it a little time. She paused then, offering, "It sounds like you were taught to believe fear is something to suppress because it is undesirable. I'm wondering, were you ever taught the benefits of fear?"

He shook his head, "No ma'am. Fear keeps us alive. Its when you get complacent, feeling like nothing bad can happen to you. It usually does. The trick is having fear and keep moving forward anyway. Being so afraid that you want to throw up. And keep going anyway. I feel...lost? Like...I don't know where to go from here."

Tate nodded. "Fear does keep us alive. It sharpens our senses, and prepares our bodies physically and mentally to manage challenges. It sounds like we agree fear is an essential tool for survival, so I don't understand why you think it was OK for your fellow Marines to manage their own fears by attacking you? To use your own fear as justification for their actions?"

Chris sat back on his seat for the first time and exhaled, "I don't know that they are afraid of anything" he said. There was a long pause. Sullivan in her seat on the left and Chris seated as far back in his seat on the right. And in between them an empty space that seemed light years in size. After that long pause seemed like it would never end he said, "They're angry. Angry with me. Angry at me. Because I'm falling behind and pulling the platoon score down. But, its not just the score. For weeks now...I've been noticing fellow marines fuses are short. Tempers are high. Guys get upset at the slightest thing that's out of place. And The XO keeps riding the whole detachment to get the physicals up and get the training up. Y'know? All we got left is the structure and our personal...pride? I guess? Look, all I know is that there are a lot of pissed off marines. Not everybody, for sure. But enough that they could beat my ass and get away with it."

Sullivan listened as Chris recounted not only his feelings, but his own observations of his fellow Marines. While she could understand the anger amongst the Marines, and the crew at large, as a natural reaction to the trauma they had all endured, it would never excuse violence. It troubled the counselor to hear Chris blame himself for what happened, and even more disturbing was his belief that his attackers would get away with it. "The angriest of your colleagues, including your attackers, may present themselves as unshakable with nerves of steel, but in my experience, the people who choose violence against a teammate are terrified inside and lack the courage to admit it as you have. Only bullies choose to hurt others to make themselves feel better. Do you believe they will and should get away with it?"

Correli thought about it a moment and had to consider the possibility. "I don't think they should ma'am. It's not right. But, yeah...maybe...they knew what they were doing. And nobody heard anything? Really? I know for a fact that somebody had to hear something. There's no way that nobody heard what was going on. Its....like...15 meters (50 feet) to the entrance to the sleeping quarters? And it open plan sleeping for that section? There's no way nobody heard that. There's no way that nobody saw nothing when those guys came back. They had to walk through that section to not appear on the internal sensors. So...yeah, I know that people like the Colonel and the XO, Security even if it gets to that point. They'll give it their best shot. That's all guys like me can hope for. Given the circumstances."

"Guys like you?" Tate asked. "What do you mean?" Sullivan was relieved to hear Chris believed his attackers should be punished, as he initially seemed to be holding himself more accountable than his attackers for what happened. Of course, she understood after something like this, there were bound to be mixed feelings, but the more he blamed himself, research showed the more likely he was to experience longer-term and more intense anxiety and depression. His anger indicated to her he believed he mattered. She was also pleased to hear he believed every effort would be made to find the people responsible, although it didn't sound like he had confidence it would happen, or if it did, that it would be treated seriously. Sullivan was determined to do whatever she could to ensure his attackers were identified and appropriately punished, not just because he deserved justice but because it would send a message to the crew that such behavior would not be tolerated.

"I mean enlisted. Meat for the grinder. That's how it feels sometimes to us. Look, Counselor, I don't know how to proceed. I have a whole bunch of mixed up feelings. And I feel like, you know, I'm all alone. Maybe you're on my side. Maybe not. It's been my experience that we can really only count on ourselves. I used to be able to count on others. That they had my back. But...unless something changes...I don't see me ever feeling that way again" he said to her and the looked away. "Are we done? For today?"

Even though Chris' sadness and distrust were to be expected, his last comments made Tate uneasy as well as filled with compassion. "Just a couple more things for today. Given what you've just been through, it's perfectly understandable why you would feel many things, including deep sadness and a sense of being alone. Sometimes that sense of isolation can lead to thoughts of self harm and maybe even suicide. Maybe that's a risk for you and maybe it isn't, but can we talk about what you're willing to commit to to take care of yourself and what you see yourself doing, in all seriousness, if you should start to experience those sorts of thoughts?"

He was silent for a moment. He met her gaze, "I don't wanna die. Yeah. I've thought about it. It's hard to be surrounded by people who are supposed to have your back. Y'know? It's just hard...because...we gotta be able to trust the brother or sister in the foxhole with me. Marines don't work without trust. And...I don't know who to trust anymore. It's pretty shitty huh? I know..." He said the last part almost as a whisper. "You don't have to worry about me. I don't want to die. I just wish we weren't here...in Circinus or wherever the fuck we are. I just want things to go back to normal. Like they were."

Tate nodded sympathetically. "Thank you for being open with me about experiencing suicidal thoughts. I'm glad to hear you don't truly wish to die, and many people who experience these thoughts after a trauma never choose to do anything to harm themselves, but please let me know if those thoughts worsen, ok? In the meantime, here's what I'm wondering about a possible way forward, recognizing this is a new situation and there are things you can't control. Could past experience with similar feelings serve as a guide here? You haven't faced this exact situation before, I know, but I would imagine this isn't the first time you've wished reality was much different or were figuring out over time who you could lean on, right? What did you do to cope then, and could any of that help now?"

"My peeps. In my fire team. In my platoon. Those were my peeps. I don't know where I stand with them. I think the same? I think they still have my back. I would...put in for transfer. To a different platoon. Maybe..."Swede?" Sergeant Reece? He does Combat Engineer, Sapper. I have heavy weapons skills. Maybe we could cross-train? If the XO will approve it?

Tate nodded. "I think that's a great idea. Please let me know if you need me to talk to anyone with you or on your behalf. In the meantime, I'd like to see you again in a few days if you're open to it? Whatever happens or whatever you decide next, as I said to you earlier, you don't have to shoulder it alone."

"Thank you Counselor."


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