The Illogical Heart

Posted on Tue Jun 17th, 2025 @ 3:31am by Lieutenant Commander Alicia Kelea-Salik & Lieutenant JG Sylorik MD

Mission: Season 6: Echoes of the Zynari
Location: Chief Counselor's Office, Deck 14
Timeline: MD 8, 1355 Hours
2350 words - 4.7 OF Standard Post Measure

He had walked the corridor twice before entering.

Not pacing. That would imply hesitation. He had simply... assessed. Once in in the early morning, once after his mid-shift cycle. In both instances, the lights outside the counselor's office had been dimmed--either engaged or off-duty--and Sylorik had continued without slowing.

Now, seated in a plush armchair just outside the door, he held a stillness that was practiced, deliberate. Legs together, spine aligned, hands resting lightly on his thighs--not clasped, not fidgeting. Simply placed, as if even the act of waiting required intention.

Inside, the faint ambient hum of power systems which passed through the bulkheads, steady and very predictable. The rhythms of order. Of function. Normally, Sylorik considered them to be grounding. Today, they struck him as... insufficient.

He exhaled slowly.

Something inside him had shifted. A mild pressure, persistent but not invasive. Not pain. And not fear. Nothing he could isolate with a scan or resolve through meditation. He had tried both. Repeatedly. And while he could suppress the expression of the response, he could not root it out.

There were possibilities, of course. Chemical imbalance. Latent aftereffects of the Zynari. Some sort of hormonal drift caused by prolonged proximity to emotionally expressive species? And what if this was somehow related to his trauma? His current theories lacked adequate data. But whatever it was, it had a center. A name.

That, more than anything, was what unsettled him.

The sensation was not distressing. But it was incongruent. And that one incongruity--its resistance to discipline, the analysis--had begun to erode his focus. Sleep cycles disturbed. Breath rhythms fractionally inconsistent. A minor misalignment of sensor notation on a recent trauma intake that he had immediately corrected--but which should never have occurred.

He had considered speaking to Savar. Of all beings aboard Elysium, . He might have listened without assumption but Sylorik was unwilling to risk any member of the crew discovering his secret.

And so, here he was.

Without an appointment. Without a clear diagnosis. And without a single word.

He simply waited--watching the counselor's office door, letting the breath come slow and even.

There was no discomfort. No shame. But something unresolved pressed in the silence between breaths. Something that he could not silence by logic alone.

Alicia sat in her office checking over the latest appointment schedule, she was surprised to see that Sylorik was back on her list, expecting him to have switched over to Savar given that both of them were Vulcan. Still she didn't mind, getting up from her seat she headed over to the door pausing in the doorway. "Sylorik, would you like to come in?" she motioned for him to enter.

He rose with quiet efficiency, his motions composed--not stiff. As he stepped into the office, his eyes passed briefly over the arrangement of the furniture, the placement of soft lighting, the warmth which seemed cultivated by design. He didn't dislike it. In fact, he suspected that Alicia's patients found it comforting. But for him, he greatly disliked the plush chairs.

Following Sylorik inside Alicia offered a warm smile as she motioned to the furniture. "Please make yourself at home." she moved back to her seat sitting down and giving Sylorik her complete attention. "What can I do for you?"

"I would not presume to intrude," he said simply, moving to the offered seat. "But I have determined that further analysis requires an external perspective."

He folded his hands lightly in his lap, not clasped. Just resting.

"There is an emotional phenomenon I am unable to categorize. It is non-distressing. But persistent." He paused before adding, "And disruptive."

Alicia nodded. “I see. Can you describe this emotional phenomenon for me? Give me an idea of what you’re…feeling” She offered a smile.

Sylorik held her gaze for a moment longer than was typical. Not out of defiance, but precision--an attempt to determine whether her request could be fulfilled with any factual integrity.

"No."

The word was offered without apology.

He drew a measured breath and clarified, "I do not possess a satisfactory vocabulary for the experience. What I can offer is observation."

Alicia nodded. “Okay, then please describe your observations.” She offered a polite smile, being the wife of a Vulcan she understood completely.

"The onset was gradual. I first noted a disruption in my post-meditative breath patterns approximately six point four days ago. Not severe--less than a four percent deviation from baseline--but consistent across three cycles. I accounted for environment variables and restructured my sleep preparation routine. The irregularity persisted.

He paused, briefly shifting his gaze to a point just beyond Alicia's left shoulder, as though retrieving data from memory.

"Subsequently, I began to experience minor disruptions in cognitive prioritization. Intrusive recall during active duty. Recurrent visualization of a specific individual's mannerisms. An increased sensitivity to their presence--even when nonverbal. These observations were accompanied by negligible physiological change: slight elevation in core temperature, a narrowing of auditory focus, and a measurable increase in neural oscillations within my beta-two adrenergic receptor range."

His gaze returned to Alicia. "I have considered the possibility of latent trauma resurfacing, However, the affect is not accompanied by dread or disorientation. I remain full functional. And yet..." The words hovered. "It resists suppression."

He paused again. There was a breath that came a fraction deeper than the one before.

"I have found myself anticipating proximity. And experiencing... disappointment when it does not occur." The statement was offered with clinical neutrality, but beneath it lay a thread of perplexed gravity. "I am... drawn. Without cause. Without logic. And without consent of will." He looked away for the first time, gaze dropping slightly--not in shame, but restraint. "It is not pain. It is not pleasure. It is not what I understand to be desire. But it occupies the same space in my mind. And I can no longer dismiss it as transient."

Alicia nodded as she listened giving Sylorik her full attention. “It sounds to me as though you have become accustomed to having a certain someone around you. In someone who doesn’t suppress emotions you would be describing the begins of romantic feelings, the want to be near the person you like, being disappointed if you don’t get to see them, or talk to them.” She paused to think how best to give him a comparison. “You could mind meld with me, to allow you access to my thoughts, my feelings as they are now and how they began when I met Savar, it may help you to compare what you’re experiencing.”

Sylorik's face tensed visibly for just a fraction of a second. His posture shifted by the smallest degree. It was the unease of the thought followed by internal recalibration at Alicia's offer.

"A mind meld," he repeated, not as a question, but an echo of consideration. "The suggestion is... not without merit. Shared cognition would permit comparative analysis of affective states." He paused, but the silence within that pause was not empty--it was filled with thought. "But I must decline."

He raised his eyes to hers. Calm. Precise. But beneath the words, there was something quiet. Something guarded. He knew he could never reveal what happened on that colony or his illicit drug use to counter the post-trauma episodes. As much as he sought answers for this non-distressing emotional response, he could not bear the guilt which inflicting this internal madness upon Alicia would no doubt cause.

"There are... structures within my memory that are not stable. I cannot guarantee containment. Nor would I subject you to their contents." He took a deep breath and exhaled. "As for your hypothesis--romantic attachment..." The words seemed foreign in his mouth, like a borrowed garment of clothing. "I do not possess a sufficient framework for that classification. My experience lacks precedent. And yet... the pattern fits." There was another measured breath. "That is what I find most concerning."

“I understand.” Alicia nodded. “May I ask why the thought of romantic attachment is so concerning? Are you already bonded, or promised to another?” She gave Sylorik a curious look.

"I was once betrothed," he said. "It was arranged during childhood in the Vulcan way. The union was to be one of familial alignment. T'Vel and I were both accepted to the VSA and later pursued medicine. We were... compatible in method, but there was no bond." He looked directly at Alicia. "Your union with Savar... did he exhibit a non-distressing emotional response to your presence?"

Alicia smiled. “Savar has always shown a non-distressing emotional response to my presence. In public he appears as any Vulcan would, but I can’t see and feel his love for me. When we’re together I truly get to see and feel how much I mean to him.”

"Then may I ask..." he said carefully, "... how did he convey this interest to you? Was it initiated through verbal declaration, or through incremental behaviour? And--" he hesitated, just briefly, "--how did you know it was sincere?"

Alicia smiled the biggest smile yet. “When we decided we wanted to be together we bonded. I let Savar into my mind, to share my feelings and to see for himself how I felt about him. It was…an experience I’ll never forget! He shared all he was with me, and we became a part of each other. I was there for him at the time of his Pon’farr, and I will always be at his side no matter what life holds in store for us.”

Sylorik lowered his gaze a fraction. "I do not possess such clarity," he said at last. "Nor the certainty you describe. There is no bond. No intention. Merely... awareness." His hands shifted lightly--one resting atop the other now, as if some unconscious part of him had sought a stable contact point.

"This individual," he began, and there was a careful weight to the phrase, as though even naming her role would render the situation dangerously real, "has not offered any direct declaration. Nor have I. Our conversations are... infrequent. Professional. Occasionally casual. Yet I find myself replaying them. Analyzing tone. Interpreting meaning where non may exist."

He tensed his jaw. It was a subtle flex.

"I have observed her in settings where I am not required. Not in a manner that violates decorum--but I am aware that my presence is unrequired, and yet... I remain. I tell myself it is for observation. That there is always something to be learned. And perhaps there is. But the drive to observe has become... specific." He hesitated again, this time for longer. "There are qualities in her I do not understand. She is intuitive--but not presumptive. Honest--but rarely unkind. She does not challenge for the sake of it, and yet, when she does challenge, it is surgical. Not reckless." There was a faint narrowing of his eyes--which for a moment, seemed very un-Vulcan. "She reads others. However, she does not exploit what she reads."

He breathed and it felt like he had expelled something from deep inside his lungs. "I... trust her. Without justification. Without shared history. I find myself... seeking her presence." His voice lowered almost imperceptibly. "It is not desire in the way that others describe it. There is not compulsion. No imagining of outcome. Only... stillness. It is a category of peace that defies logic."

Finally, he asked, "What I have just described--is this what you feel with your mate?"

“There are differences, but as you said the two of you haven’t shown any interest in each other in a romantic sense.” Alicia paused. “Have you thought about asking her to join you for an after work drink? Just a simple occassion to wind down after shift, and to get to know each other better?”

Sylorik glanced down at his hands. "Last night, we met for a game of chess in the Officers' Lounge."

“Oh?” Alicia smiled. “May I ask how it went?”

"The game proceeded without issue. Strategically sound. The game concluded with a rook sacrifice. Queen to h6. Mate in four. She won." A pause followed. "However, the conversation... did not. There was a moment of miscommunication. I spoke plainly, attempting to provoke discussion. She withdrew. It was not my intention to unsettle her. But I believe I did." He lifted his gaze to Alicia's brown eyes. "This has confirmed, rather than resolved, my uncertainty."

Alicia nodded. “Matters of the heart are… awkward to say the least. If she is not ready for such an encounter, then it makes it all the more difficult for you especially in understanding where your heart lies. Savar has always let me feel his love for me, to others he may outwardly be a typical Vulcan but he’s not that way with me. Not that I’m suggesting that you are in love.”

Sylorik acknowledged Alicia with a slow nod. It was a point he could not refute. "Then we are not dissimilar in that regard," he said. "I, too, have learned to maintain outward consistency. To be perceived as expected. But internally..." He hesitated, then added with candor, "there are variables I can no longer control by will alone." He drew in a breath and refocused. "I do not yet know what this feeling is. Or whether it warrants expression. But I know it is real. And that it endures."

His gaze returned to hers--not necessarily searching for validation, but simply... being seen. "I thank you, Counselor. For your discretion. And for allowing this to remain undefined." He rose with a lightness that hadn't been present before. It was a fractional shift in his overall bearing. The kind of shift a man makes when he can name a weight, even if he still carries it.

"I will... consider what you have said." He paused, turning back to Alicia. "And what I have said as well."

Alicia nodded. “My door is always open Sylorik, if you should need to talk again you know where to find me.”