Life is not a hell

Posted on Tue Apr 11th, 2023 @ 1:07am by Lieutenant Commander Alicia Kelea-Salik & Commander Arrianna Salannis an Vantar & Lieutenant Commander Savar cha'Salik hei-Surak Talek-sen-deen [Taylor]

Mission: Season 6: Episode 2: Survival
Location: Community Tent
1435 words - 2.9 OF Standard Post Measure

Arrianna had to come out of the Deep Meditation transe she was in. She emerged from the tent and did what she usually did every number of hours when she needed to eat or drink. The world she made in her mind was better than this... place.. The Memories of Josie she loved... was better than what was here. Telling her her love was a product of trauma. She began to get food.

Savar looked at Alicia and then at Arrianna as she exited her tent. "Commander?" He ventured.

"I will be returning to meditation soon. I told Josie I needed to eat." She was referring to the Simulacrum she created, not the real world. She didn't want the real world anymore. She sat down and began eating. At least with the persona she created of Josephine in her mind, she was happy there. It was disturbing to everyone else.

"Told Josie? I am confused Commander, please explain your statement. How did you communicate with Josie?" Savar asked.

"I have created her in my mind. From when I bonded with Josie, before we were captured. She lives inside my memories now." Arri noted. "And her love is not a trauma." Alicia could sense a strange presence in Arri. "I did what you asked Savar. Nurtured my love for her inside. If she wants to love me without it being a trauma. I'll stop meditating. But I can't stop loving her."

"I am pleased to hear that Commander, but I did not state for you to recreate a false reality that does not help the present state of affairs." Savar countered.

"It does not matter anymore, even if we fix the ship and get off this frozen rock. I even advised Phoenix not to overuse the QSD. We are never seeing our galaxy again. The probabilities of me even seing Sena Alindar again are 0.00000000372. You have forbidden me contact with the woman I once loved, perhaps I will again, the day she can face me again, relieved me of duty, consigned me to this wasteland. I have to return to the ninth ring of hell for food and exercise to maintain my body. Perhaps for duty as well." Her depression was off the charts. "And then it's back to the world I've created for myself. Back to my love's arms. Back to the good memories that I want to live in." She put the tray back and began to walk back to the tent. "Thank you Savar, for telling me what I had to do."

Alicia gave Savar a concerned look. This wasn’t good at all. “Arri you can’t live like this, and you know it.”

"Commander, this does nothing to improve the situation. You have deliberately misconstrued what I said to fit your pattern of thinking." Savar replied firmly.

"If I walked into her in the hallway, knowing that holding onto my love for her was what broke me out of Bishop's programing. You think I could be professional?" Arri noted as she sat down in the middle of her tent and folded her arms and legs, concentrating. "Bishop flayed me to my core." She began to concentrate, re-entering her mindscape.

"Savar, Alicia... It's over... Until she can look at me again. I don't know what to do.." Arri noted. I want to be free of these emotions, but even when I go to other people's weddings.. Like Phoenix's. Someone is missing beside me. I'm afaid. That I won't have a chance to be happy in this lifetime. Because Cragen has stolen it. I'm afraid..." She sat on the floor and hugged herself. "Someone please, hold me, and tell me everything will be alright. Mean it.. Please.. Tell me she just needs time.. and that I die alone. I don't want to die alone." This time she was being honest. "Please don't let me die alone."

Savar knelt beside Arrianna. A hand reached out and touched her shoulder lightly. " Josie needs time and I promise you that you will not die alone." As he finished his other hand came up and he awkwardly hugged her. "Everything will work out."

"I feel cold and miserable. Empty and heartbroken. She feels the same way about me. I held onto that love, even when he was busy reshaping my personality with torture and drugs. She was that one bright spot, that helped me break what he turned me into. What I became, just so the horrible pain would stop."

“It will stop Arri” Alicia smiled as she sat down in-front of Arrianna. “Josie just needs time, how long I can’t say, but it doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. When I lost my father, my fiancé and my baby all in a short space of time I thought my world was at its end, I even tried to take my own life before realising I’d made a huge mistake. I wouldn’t have Savar, and my children now if I hadn’t held on.”

Commander....Arrianna." Savar said softly "This will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. To keep your distance from the woman you love. However it will be worth it when you are reunited. you must be strong like Alicia said. You can do this."

She sobbed. "I need to have faith in her.. If she feels the same as I do.. I need to have faith." Tears streamed down her face. "It's just.. I've never loved like this before.. Every day I fought Flossie.. I held on to my love. And it proved more powerful than the Lust Bishop programmed into me."

“Then keep hold of that love Arri” Alicia offered a kind smile. “It might take time, but maybe at some point in the future Josie will be ready to love again.”

Savar looked at Alicia and then to Arrianna, "You must be patient Commander. This will take time for Josie to rediscover herself and her relationship with you."

Arri suddenly looked up.. "I can feel... The crew.. Strange why couldn't I feel this...." She looked at Savar and Alicia. "i don't sense deceit from you, Either of you, anyone here.. And her.." She focused on the feeling. "Her feelings are true."

Alicia looked at Savar curiously. “Are you’re people empathic Arrianna?”

"Our mental abilities are profound, it's our physical abilities that we have shortcomings on." Arrianna noted. "We can share thoughts, memories.. And I shared mine with Josie." She noted. "I shared my heart, my mind, my memories.. Everything I was." She noted. "Everything I had that was nearly stripped from me by Micheal Bishop." Arrianna noted. "I want you two to understand the pain I have been put through. Bishop's agony was unending, and in three days. I would have done anything for it to end." Arri noted. "I became Flossie.. I used my knowledge of her to hurt her." Arri noted. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry I hurt my mate... I'm sorry!!! What have I DONE!!!" She began crying as the pain came out. Screaming in horrific pain. So much pain. "I made her leave. I hurt her with them. I should have fought back, but I hurt her. Just so they wouldn't hurt me. I enjoyed it so they wouldn't make me scream."

Alicia cringed, the sheer strength of emotion coming off of Arrianna was overwhelming.

Savar spoke softly, "Arrianna, the time for pain and suffering is over, It is now the time to heal for both you and Josephine and to heal you need time, time for you both to heal, to rediscover yourselves and your love for each other but you cannot rush this period of healing."

Arri bowed her head. She felt shame.. embarassment.. guilt over what had happened, how she caused Josie undue fear. "Promise me you'll help her heal. Promise me. Even if I am unworthy of her love. Promise me. Because I'll ask about her. How she's doing. Listen to me. I went to her because we lost so many people. I feared she was dead. I've lost so much. Counselors. My sanity, my emotional control, my honor, my innocence."

“We’ll help Josie don’t worry about that” Alicia smiled warmly. “We’ll do everything we can for both of you.

"Have faith in yourself and us Commander. We will help you in every way we can for the both of you. Just as Alicia has said." Savar replied.

She bowed her head and just hugged both of them. Like she didn't want to be alone. Like the void in her was too much.